BOOBIES BRACELET UPROAR......

So I recently read and retweeted an article about the two girls from Pennsylvania who took their school district to U.S. Court with a case of free speech. The two young women took their school to court for suspending them for wearing the infamous "I heart boobies" bracelet that has become popular amongst teens and tweens in the last 6 months. The girls were called into the principals office for a dresscode violation in October when they refused to take the bracelets off. They were suspended for what amounted to defiance and disruption. The girls mom's filed a case back in November. It was heard in December. The case will be decided in early January and if it is decided in favor of the girls, I will gladly send my daughters to school wearing them.

Really now why get your panties in a bunch over the term "boobies" and especially in school.It is the recipe for rebellion,the more you pay attention to a behavior you deem negative the more of it your kid does, I learned that in Child Development. Come on now shouldn't you be worried about the kids who call my daughter a bitch or a dike? The very kids who would take the term "boobie" and make it well, "explicit" in their little tweener minds. My fifteen year old daughter wore one all summer and I recently allowed my 11 year old daughter to buy one. I asked her why she wanted one and her answer was classic "they are cool and everyone has one," then she added without prompting from me, "they raise awareness for breast cancer." I love my smart kid. I only allowed her to wear it on weekends or after school, because her school will cut them off of the kids and though they only cost $4.00 I wanted her to understand that she should follow the rules.  Do I think that the two students from Pennsylvania were breaking the rules?

No I don't, and I wholeheartedly support their stance. I just kick myself that I didn't think of taking our school district to court! Seriously I think society is just one big contradiction. They let Victoria's Secret Fashion shows be shown on TV during the family hour, but they won't show a woman breastfeeding on the boobtube, sorry I could not resist. I mean no one complained when Pamela Anderson was bouncing her way across the beach to save someone with her inflated tube thingie. Breasts have become something they are and are not. Their primary purpose is to feed and nurture and I proudly breastfed all of my daughters, which probably accounts for their boob fascination. My daughter even breastfed my grandson for a little while. Aside from natures intentions and I do think nature intended for men to look at breasts or they would have had some like women, is the fact that they are part of what makes a woman attractive. The female form is built the way it is for a reason. I personally like being sexy on occassion showing some cleavage or maybe wearing a fitted top that covers me entirely and leaves more to the imagination. Breasts are something that signal your womanhood and I am proud of mine for hanging on this long. Way to go girls!

I have not had anyone close to me get breast cancer, but my daughters and I know someone who lost their father to breast cancer, yes men get it too. Breast cancer does not care if you are a man or woman or if you have large boobs or small ones. So why should the school care if my kid wears a bracelet that raises awareness with a term they deem disruptive. Kids wear all kinds of disrupting clothing. They are kids, they are going to test the limits of authority. What they don't realize at this age is that one day they will grow up and say man I was a dumbass look at what I had on? Then too maybe in their growing up someone they love or they themselves will be touched by breast cancer and they will pull out the bracelet and remember that they were way ahead of the rest of us when it came to being aware of how fragile life really is.

So I cannot wait for this decision to come down and yup I am going to get a bunch of these bracelets and give em to everyone in my life and when my daughters go back to school I think I might wear a shirt that says "my school district needs to worry about bullies not boobies!" I just love challenging authority...if you want to challenge authority or just support the cause go to this link to get your bracelet  http://www.keep-a-breast.org/ .

I GOT A NIFTY BADGE FROM BLOGHER.COM

OK so whenever a post of mine gets syndicated on blogher.com you will know by this nifty lil badge they sent me, to add to my syndicated blogposts. So yay some recognition for me n blogher.com. Here it is!

WTF IS IT WITH THE BOOT AND SHORT WEARING PHENOMENON?

Oh my gawwwwwd if I see another fucking girl wearing boots with shorts that are way too short for them to wear I am going to walk up to them and tell them "YOUR MOM LET YOU LEAVE HOME LIKE THAT?" I have been seeing a steady stream of high school age chickies walking around with these ridiculously short shorts and thigh high or even midi boots what the fuck kinda look are they trying to acheive? Puss in Boots excuse the pun...... seriously. It is a streetwalker kinda chic that I am seeing in these young wanna be hipsters. Blech already....aside from it being really cold out there, is the fact that I do not want to see your ass cheeks or baby cellulite pads in my face!Shit I mean I did not know how hot I was back in the day but if I did I would not have worn this get up.
Yes thanks to beautiful women like Beyonce and Mariah Carey thick thighs and curves are the it thing. But let me say that some of you should not be wearing these super short shorts that show your bootyleg, the part of your leg that meets your asscheek. That is my name for that area of the body. Trust me I am in no way jealous with my fluffy ass, if I was fit and firm I still would not wear this look. The last time I wore shorts with boots I was three and wore my cowboy boots with everything. I think and have always thought that a sexy woman, a really sexy woman does not need to show so much skin, mystery is always much hotter. I would rather see a woman with curves in a well fitting turtleneck dress and boots, that is hot. Just the outline of the hourglass figure is sexy. Now some of these little girls are too damned skinny to be wearing these oversized swashbuckling boots they have these getaway sticks for legs and look as if they are wearing ankleweights. Trudging along like they have some lead in their feet.
I poured over fashion magazines when I was a teen well into my 20s and still get wet panties looking at a Vogue in the checkout line of  the supermarket. I dreamed of being a fashion designer and  the next big thing. So I think I know a little about acheiving a look, even though most of my wardrobe is grease splattered tees and jeans that are cut off at the hem. My kids ask my opinion and I honestly tell them when they look well, for lack of a better word "stupid". If I had the dough I would be styling on the daily......trust me. On rare occassions I do get to acheive looks.
So back to this shorts and boot wearing chic, to do it right in the winter one must first wear the right shorts and the right boots and a nice pair of tights, not nylons are more appropriate. So if you have a teen daughter who likes this look please do the once over on her and let her know if she looks cute or fucking dumb before she leaves the house. I mean you wouldn't want your beautiful teen daughter mistaken for a hooker would you?
Oh and those of you who should not be wearing this look and you know who you are, cover that shit up will you. Mothers don't want to have to hide the eyes of their young children when you pass by.

Would you let your kids watch Chris Crocker on Youtube?

The other day my kids and I were talking about someone we had not seen and missed a great deal. They said oh Mom you have to watch this guy Chris Crocker on Youtube he will so remind you of the person, (we were missing). I was like whatever.... I was busy doing housework and the hundred other things that needed to be done. They let the video load and that was my first Chris Crocker experience....... I laughed at this person with these magnetic eyes, and platinum hair in front of me and noticed how beautiful this person was. This gay guy talking about why he is gay and how makeup makes him feel pretty and how life in a small southern town as a gay young person is not easy.
It was all about the laughter and the viral '"Leave Brittany Alone" video that had me hooked. On a realistic note Chris Crocker was talking about some very relevant things. Sex, unprotected sex, homophobia, self-esteem, love, bullying, AIDS things that a lot of parents aren't talking to their kids about. So I started thinking would you let your kids watch Chris Crocker? A lot of parents probably would not but reality says that your kid probably has watched him according to his viewing stats, he get gazillions of hits yearly. I asked my kids what it was that attracted them to him, my 15 year old daughter stumbled upon him through a video that was parodying his "Brittany" plea and then clicked on the original which led her to his other videos. They unanimously said it was his humor and the way in which he approached serious subjects. My daughter also said how she liked the fact that he was being himself. He was not putting on airs and showing her that being who you are is o.k. That is a powerful message to me. I cannot imagine trying to fit in today in a high school setting, and for my teens to get this message at this age is I think so mature. I have been telling them for years to be themselves, but hearing it from someone like Chris Crocker makes it easier for them to digest. As all of us parents know the old saying "Oh________ (fill in the blank) You just don't understand!" the cries of youth for the last century. Well maybe Chris Crocker understands and maybe he can reach your kid in ways that you can't.
So however you feel about him, love him, hate him, don't know who he is I can guarantee your kids do. So thanks Chris Crocker for opening the conversation up in my home I love it!

TRUST ME, IF I WAS A POLE DANCER MY KIDS WOULD STARVE!

On a quick trip to the mall today my daughters and I were on our way out and passed one of those kiosks, the kind that sell those ceramic hair straighteners, body jewelery and catchy catch phrase t-shirts. Well it was one of those t-shirts that's totally adding fuel to my firing blog tonight. Its a curvaceous image of a woman with long flowing hair, dancing.....dancing on a pole. It said, "I Support Single Moms". So WOW that seems to be the consensus of a nation. If not that one, then certainly that we single moms are raising "future strippers and future criminals and outcasts" as one Ann Coulter would have you believe anyway. She parlayed her right wing views into a much overemphasized 15 minutes of fame last year with her "beliefs". So how does it make me, a single mom feel when I read this kinda of crap or hear it? Yep it irritates me because I think I am doing one of the, if not the hardest job in the world....solo.

Let me tell you if I was out there stripping my kids would starve... so it is just better that I drive a bus and hope that my writing takes off one day in the real world and not just in my dreams.

It is those dreams that a lot of single moms give up, making hard thought sacrifices for the kids they love. In my grandparent's generation single moms were usually due to husbands who died in a war leaving behind widows, these women were treated with honor as they should have been. It does not mean that the path ahead of them was smooth.  According to the census which classifies single moms in "The Other Household Families" one era in particular spawned one social impact which created a big increase in the number of single mother households. It was in the 60's and 70's divorce was the big taboo that no one dared even talk about. Single mothers of that era were portrayed as divorcees, incapable of making their man happy at home or too busy finding the feminist side of themselves to worry about the fact that their family was falling apart. They wanted to be the Ms. not the Mrs. Popular culture has a way of taking what is going on in the world and blaming it on the destruction of the nuclear family. Whether what is going on is for the good or the bad. In the 80's and 90's media had us believing that women were so caught up in their careers and shattering those glass ceilings that only men were traditionally supposed to do, that they forgot that their clocks were ticking and chose to go the route of single parenting. As the movie "Baby Boom" which I loved by the way, would have you believe that being a single corporate climbing mom is comical and in the end your kids who are your inspiration make anything possible, even a happy ending.

In my era, media would have you believe single moms are single handedly contributing to the downfall of society as we once knew it. I have to sigh and roll my eyes at this point because it has taken me a long time to get to this stage in my life. You know the one. Where you really do not care what anyone thinks of you. Well that is where I am. But that shirt pissed me off and the comments that were made by Ann Coulter pissed me off. I don't know what her mom status is but who the heck is she to talk crap about moms like me? I am a woman who for any number of reasons is a single mom not by choice. Because I would so love to have a partner that would be solid and stable and be everything that I needed in mine and my kids life. My girl's dad is an addict and is not the best person for himself right now let alone us. I have never had another serious relationship with anyone else because I had girl's and did not want a strange man around them when they were younger. I wasn't consumed by needing a man in my life. I always assumed I could do it alone. The mountains that are placed in front of me are challenges and I always find a way to be resourceful, climb over it, go around. Or just doze my way through it. A lot of people think I am this strong, ballsy, kinda outta her mind gal that never breaks.  I do secretly break in my quiet alone times and have a good cry. I do feel pressure as a single mom to do for my kids. I feel guilty when I do for myself. Heck I broke down and bought new underwear this week four bras and 6 pretty underwear, I felt bad till I looked at my sparse worn collection of undies and the two bras that had broken under wires. I spent a whole 23 dollars on this stuff at a discount store and let me tell you it took a few days for the guilt to wear off. How crazy is that? So yes we single moms do without or sacrifice or push ourselves that much harder to be successful, because we want our children to make better choices and have better lives.

I know a lot of single moms and everyone of them has done the best that they could and not one of them is a pole dancer!  So there! So what if any of them were, how skewed is the view that a single mom who works and pays taxes and is not a burden on the welfare system is something to joke about? I think in the past it was not the norm and women were made to feel that they needed to have it all, and a man too, that a myth was born. That we do not want a "normal" family. If normal is a man that lies, or drinks or has some other addiction, or beats us up, or cheats on us, or grows tired of being with us, or only marries us because we are pregnant, or wants us to be a subservient good wife, or maybe we just grow apart, then I do not want normal. I like who I am and maybe in the future there will be time for me, but for now my focus is on my daughters and my grandson, yes I have a teen mom  for a daughter but that is another blog. She is also a single mom and you know what I have told her..... no man will ever complete you until you complete yourself, go to college get an education, be more than the sum of someones beliefs about you. Because really all that matters at the end of the day when you are putting your baby to sleep is that you know you are doing the best you can for him. So she lives with me, helps me pay the rent and she is going to start community college in the January. My kids are smart, well mannered, not into drugs and they do not get into trouble, they are all unique and wonderful people who have a lot to offer this world. My oldest wants to get her degree in Psychology, my youngest wants to be the first woman player in the NFL, and my middle has not quite decided but wants to have a happy life full of adventure.

I think that shows the world that I am not half bad at doing this singlemomming thing. "Baby Boom" did get that part right, for all the drivel that is written or said about us single moms creating an era of fatherless children, we are at our best as single moms when our kids are our inspiration. I know I would not be where I am right now without them, they keep me wanting more, they keep me in tears and in laughter, and prolonged periods of bliss and joy on the days they aren't making me want to run away and join the circus, that is. They are the reason I write, heck they are the reason that I breathe, and they are my inspiration and my happy ending.

Not Ur Typical Gma
Who Cares Where You Come From, Its Where You Are Going That Matters!



Krisann Gonzales is a single mom who drives a bus by day, and has a secret identity as blogger Not Ur Typical Gma who blogs about how she lives her REAL life and  how others perceive it in her blog "True Confessions Of A Welfare Mother" at noturtypicalgma.blogspot.com/
this post was posted on PIC Blogs via Diary of a Single Mom unfortunately it got lost in their shuffle at Christmas time and  it did not get posted when it was supposed to . They were supposed to repost it but flaked out I guess, and I think my blog was pretty damned good compared to the others yeah really good so what I am full of myself  the new moon is in my house I have every right to be according to my horoscope, so I am finally posting it on my site, this is what they had asked me to write about... hope you like it.

Sample of an EVIDENTIARY ABUSE AFFIDAVIT for victims of domestic violence

I promised someone that I would post this on my site it is a link for domestic violence victims. It is a sample of an EVIDENTIARY ABUSE AFFIDAVIT I think it is a powerful tool that should be taken seriously for anyone who is an advocate for domestic violence victims or if you yourself or someone you love are a victim of domestic violence view the sample below and or visit this link http://www.susanmurphymilano.com/

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.



Thank You Delilah!

Thanks Mom at Wal-Mart parking lot YOU made me feel NORMAL!

Yes the holiday season is officially upon us and I like 99% of the rest of the population have not even bought any gifts yet. I like 99 % of the rest of the population will go on a pilgrimage to the local Mecca uh I mean Wal-Mart. I hate going to there on any day of the year but in the days that precede Christmas I really hate it. I love shopping like most women do, just not with my kids. Things have changed from the days of them just throwing themselves on the floor having a fit because they could not have a toy or candy, at least then they were 3! You would think as they got older it would get easier and well, fun. Wrong with a capital WRONG. They can ruin any simple shopping trip with not just one but usually several embarrasing acts; be it farting in the store, or worse yet fighting in the store, or mother of all shopping sins talking back to  me, their Mom in the store......which is in public...... which therefore means I risk any physical or bodily injury that I may want to inflict on them getting picked up by a security camera.  Darn it all.

Oh I recently turned the tables on them on a stop at a local 99 cent store and they were very embarrassed. I accidentally tooted in an aisle then laughed uncontrollably and tooted several more times and I did the peepee dance. I yelled with my grandson as we walked down the aisles. We had a grand time. My 18 year old, his mom tried to hide in another aisle and my 15 and soon to be 11 year old scolded me "Man Mom do you have to be so LOUD?" That my fellow mothers is what I call IRONIC. How dare they be so upset by my behavior. They torture me every chance they get! Me embarrass them imagine the horror!

So today it was with secret joy that I sat in my darkened van texting on my phone as I waited for my daughters to come out of Wal-Mart. I volunteered to stay in the car with my grandson who had fallen asleep. I was not looking forward to pushing my way through the store for toilet paper, diapers, and chocolate. Not with the crapload of cars in the parking lot. As I am on my phone I see a well dressed Mom getting out of a big giant truck with her rugged husband and two sons close to my 15 and 11 year olds ages. She smooths her  long blonde hair and pulls down her rumpled coat, smoothing the fabric with her well manicured hands. She crosses her arm to secure her purse and like a drill sargeant says, "I am warning you, if you two embarrass me in any way once we get in the store I will pull your pants down and beat your asses!" She punctuates each word with a finger pointing that any Italian would be proud of. Now thats what I'm talking about! Joy rose up in my little Mommy heart which swelled with a knowingness and admiration for this Mom, and I grimaced like the Grinch! She marched off to take the arm of said boys father and I suspect had a great time shopping! At least I like to think that it was a carefree time and the boys behaved perfectly.

I wanted to roll my window down and say in solidarity, "YOU ROCK! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL NORMAL!" Alas my lil man was asleep and I did not want to wake him. So I sat shaking my head yes and secretly feeling the Christmas Joy that she had given me. Happy Holidays and happy shopping! With or without the kids!

WHY ISN'T "THE METH PROJECT" IN EVERY STATE?

When I was googling Thanksgiving eve for apple pie baking times at the bottom of the page I was on was an advertisement that kinda caught my eye. I actually went to the ad for The Colorado Meth Project, it had vivid PSA's showing the varying phases of methamphetamine addiction, http://www.methproject.org/View_Ads/index.php  the ad that caught my interest was a john leaving a room and paying the girls boyfriend with a baggie of meth, it shows the boyfriend entering the room and the girl and he, both relieved that they have their high for the time being. WOW was all I could think. The next PSA I clicked on shows a son returning to his mothers house and him stealing from her, she catches him in the act and let me tell you I was flooded with emotions of sadness and anger and hate. Hate for the drug that has played an integral part of my families life. I was very naiive about drug use, and only ever tried marijuana a handful of times and rarely drank, even as a teen and young adult. So when my love became addicted to methamphetamine in 1993 I was not prepared for the fallout that would happen. He never did his drug use in front of me and never even offered it to me, which I thank God for. It would have been very easy to get high with him and become addicted instantaneously as he did. The catch phrase for the Meth Projects which exist in a handful of states is "Not Even Once" the target for these PSA's are teens but these should be seen by everyone. I tried to find out if one existed in California, Central Cali where I live is synonomous with the phrase meth capital. Sadly as of yet these PSA's are not shown in California and no Project exists here but it should.
Children of meth addicts have a high rate of becoming users themselves and in California that is doubled. Kids think meth will make them happy or loose weight, or that they don't really see it as a harmful drug. What they don't realize is that it makes you an addict the first time and that you are more likely to participate in more risky behaviors, such as unprotected sex, violent behavior and higher instances of getting into trouble with the law.
My children have witnessed their Dad when he was high in state of paranoia, saw him as he was hiding out from his family with other users, watched as he became someone they did not want to know anymore. They have seen his violent comedowns and they have seen him take his paycheck when he had jobs or valuables from us so he could get high. I think that because I did not use their chances of getting involved in drug use although high, are also lessened by the fact that they despise the drug and what it has done to them and their family. We talk more openly about things also, not all families do. I know the reality is that my kids will and have experimented with illicit drugs and or alcohol but I do believe that having an open and honest relationship is key when talking to your kids about anything.
My love is a newborn at being clean and sober and has suffered a lot of the effects of long time use. I know he became an IV user within the first year of his addiction.We have discussed his addiction numerous times through the years. He tried to quit numerous times and this time may not be his finale with the drug but it is the closest he has ever been to success for any lenght of time. I am proud of him, many are doubtful that this is the end for him and understandably so. I can only have hope that it is the end for him because it is for me. I will not sit by again and watch it destroy him. I will move on and just yesterday someone told me I needed to let him go. But that is my issue I am addicted to him. I have given up trying to fix him, he must fix himself and I must continue the positive work that I have made in my life. We do want the same things and we do want our family to heal, is he scared, am I? Of course we are scared, will we let that fear control us? I won't, I cannot speak for him. I always asked why he could not just quit, and I have asked former users that I know well now about their use and they all said the same thing. They don't know why, but it was an indescribable high that kept them coming back for more. Through info provided by The Meth Project I can see why; http://www.methproject.org/Meth_Info/education.php  methamphetamine creates higher dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that regulates functions for attention, cognition, movement, and also for pleasure. Meth users experience12 times higher dopamine levels than sex alone would stimulate in your pleasure transmitter. Now that is a tangible example to me.
 I will not ever give up on someone I love as I have said in prior posts, but I won't let someone destroy my spirit again either. It is a high wire that I walk, being in love with an addict and most people tire of the same old story. My story is not finished. Neither is his.Will we write it together? Statistically speaking NO is the answer. But speaking from my heart, I hope so. There I go again with Hope the most powerful invisible force in the world.
If you or someone that you love is addicted to methamphetamine educate yourself to the reality that is addiction. Check out these sites,  http://www.methproject.org/ and http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html. I would also urge that if you live in a state hit hard by the meth epidemic send The Meth Project link to you government representatives. Taking action creates change and change creates hope for the future.

why i blog....

I blog to talk about things that maybe others won't. I blog to make you feel uncomfortable with the  things that you thought you had no opinion on. I blog to make you look at the other side of the coin. Sometimes I get a reaction or create a feeling in you that you don't even want to acknowledge is there. I blog to tell my story. It is not some edited version of my life that I put before you it is 100% real. Blogging has been a release for me, a way to share, a way to look forward to putting my spin on the world I live in. I have had a lot of reactions to my words, comments or thoughts that others have left or said via someone else and that is a good thing. I don't look to be well read or liked I don't need that kind of validation. I validate me.
I often blog about my family because they are in my immediate world and I often blog about things that are very personal but I do so with the hope that it will create insight. Maybe a different way for a reader to identify with.  My love and my lovees all know that I blog about them and they have been very supportive in my efforts. I hide nothing from them. I often blog and add links that I think are helpful. I think that is an important part of the type of blogging I do. How do I classify my blogging. I just classify it as "real life" blogging. Sometimes I  fluff blog or blogging that is just for fun. But it is really apart from the real me. I think I am at my best when I blog about something that really strikes a cord in me or raises a passion in me.
I have been told I am the type A personality... if that is outspoken and forward, prone to argument and debate, confident and controlling, authoratative and informative then I would say I am a type A blogger.
I am used to rubbing people the wrong way... I usually do then they get to know the real me and they kinda either hate me or love me all or nothing and that is how I weed em out with my radar.  Hah seriously that is how I write either you like me or you don't and I am fine with that. I love free speech and I love blogging so I hope that you will keep on reading.
 Just wanting to show my gratitude during this Thanksgiving season.

My Post is Syndicated On Blogher.com main page.....PLEASE SHARE

Hey everyone thanks for following me one of my posts that is very important to me is on blogher.com you can read it at this link. http://www.blogher.com/i-had-ambitions-and-dreams-then-i-went-jail-domestic-violence?from=hot please retweet this and share it on facebook.com this post means so much to me and if one person can identify with it then what I and my family have been through was not in vain.
Wishing you all a safe and wonderful holiday, love the ones you are with because tomorrow is not promised. 
 Krisann

DO YOU SUPPORT THE "AMERICAN DREAM"? JUST NOT FOR ILLEGAL MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS?

A headline in my local newspaper spurred this post.... "Fresno State University Student Body President Reveals He Is An Illegal Immigrant", yes it is true Mexicans go to college and do exceedingly well.  Pedro Ramirez, 23 graduated from his highschool as a Valedictorian and went on to FSU. He is pursuing Poly Sci and Agriculture as his dual majors. And apparently he did all of this despite the fact that he is an illegal alien.....like being from Mexico means you only come to the US to work in the fields, or in a Mexican restaurant. I have mixed emotions about this situation, I am Mexican American. My Grandfather came here from the same town Pedros family came from, Jalisco Mexico. My grandfather came to the US and did so legally, by coming here to work and then sending for his wife and family later. He wanted to make a better life for his 10 children, and he did. He was a contractor for the Santa Fe Railroad and did fieldwork, all of the children except my Mother who was the youngest did this backbreaking work. Sons served in WWII and Korea, they were proud to be Americans. My Uncle Manuel died in the War. My Grandfather owned property and did well for being an uneducated man. All of my aunts and uncles spoke perfect English but my grandparents never learned it fluently. They were all successful productive members of society who went on to have their families. They were never on welfare,  or received assistance.

I am feeling torn because while I applaud the efforts of Pedro to make a good and positive impact on the world it leaves me feeling, like maybe my daughter who is going to Community College may be passed over for something she, as a legal citizen is entitled to. In the state of California there is a law that allows illegal immigrants to receive aid for college. Pedro claims he did not know that he was an illegal alien until he began to apply for college. I can see that as viable. But when he did find out he continued to keep it a secret well into his college career until this week when an email was leaked regarding his status.

Do I blame illegal aliens for the state of the state in California, in debt up to our necks and no liferaft in sight? No I blame a bunk immigration system and the great governors of this fair state. You know the thing is I consider myself an American, not a Mexican American but just American. So many people that I run into in my daily life, Mexicans from Mexico inparticular think I should speak perfect Spanish because my last name is Gonzales. I speak "spanglish" enough to get by, what they don't know is that I was not taught Spanish because my mother who went to Catholic School was punished with a wrap of the ruler on the hands if she spoke Spanish. It is irritating that they complain about me when I am driving them on the bus, because they think I don't understand what they are saying but I do and it is only when I talk to them in my "spanglish" that they smile and call me Mija.....they don't like my country music, and they don't like that I don't wait for them if they are running for the bus, look I don't wait for anyone if they are not at their stop. Hey I rode the bus for 2 or 3 years and I got left plenty. My perception is that they feel that I think I am better than them or just don't get any of the struggles they have had. Funny human struggles are all the same, does not matter what your color is.

I guess  some of my bias comes from being the victim of identity theft, 15 years ago the IRS came after me for 30,000 dollars in back taxes, because an illegal alien had bought my stolen birth certificate and Social Security card. This was pre-internet and it took me one year to prove to the IRS that this Krisann Gonzales was 9 months pregnant and in college, not working at some cannery in Georgia. I had actual pictures of the alleged Krisann Gonzales and signatures of "her" name, which were nothing like mine. So how is it that HR reps of these companies in question went ahead and accepted her proof of who she was without question? Sad but true big corporations and small alike do not care.

I am all for the American Dream, believe me. What I do not agree with is catering to a set group of people. If I went to China they would expect me to speak Chinese right? So why are forms in Spanish and the city signs (locally) have Spanish as the bolder print and English in smaller print. Why are kids in school learning in Spanish, that is why they are failing state mandated tests, these tests are made for English speakers! Sad but true my child who is part Mexican was being taught in Spanish  when she first enterred kindergarten and did not know what the heck was going on, even sadder my friends daughter whose last name is Martin was put in a bilingual class and she has blonde hair and blue eyes... So are we catering to a certain group of people? I think so. I hate to sound racist or biggoted because I feel so strongly that if you come to America you should be made to follow the rules that everyone else who is a citizen has to follow. I have had many heated discussions with friends and family and my conclusion is always the same. Making a better life for yourself is an inherent right every man, woman, and child should be afforded. That is after all why our forefathers founded this great country. So what about the illegal aliens who are serving our country, should they be afforded the same benefits and rights as a citizen? So many stickey wickets here. This conversation will go on until the end of time. I will agree that this same group of people who a lot of people love to complain about actually help with the growth of the economy, they work  and spend their money,especially locally. I guess the situation is as multifaceted as Pedro is. He obviously want to make a better way for himself, he is a supporter of the DREAM act go to this link to learn more http://www.dreamactivist.org/ this act will create the journey to citizenship for undocumented students and those who serve our country proudly. I can see by what I have read about him that he wants positive change to come from his story. I can also see that he will probably succeed and go on to a great role in politics or advocacy for people in general. I guess it is just the principal of legally being here that gets me. Thanks Grandparents for following your dreams to California.

Sweeeeet

My post "I HAD DREAMS AND AMBITIONS THEN I WENT TO JAIL FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" will be syndicated on blogher.com and I am so very excited to get it out there. My life as I know it is not always what people want to read, but I can't be anything other than real. I am so grateful for my followers and I am grateful to blogher.com that they post some of my more provocotive pieces. LIFE TRULY IS SWEEEEET!

Are You A Religion Slut/Church Hopper?

Yeah I know I am gonna get some flack for my title, but something got me thinking about my faith and how when I am not practicing it regularly I ask if the religion I am practicing is the one for me. I was born to Catholic parents and really only my mother was a devout Catholic, my Father on the other hand dropped us off and picked us up. I guess he had some issues with God. As we got older my mother stopped going so regularly and the only one of the three of us kids to be confirmed was my older sister. I was only baptized and received my first communion. I remember watching "The Story of Bernadette" with my Mom and wanting to become a nun. I remember the nuns at the Catholic school I went to for a couple of years. They looked so clean and shiny. No makeup, porcelain skin, except for Sister Angelis who looked like the wicked witch in "The Wizard of Oz" except not green, but just as mean. Dressed in off white habits and the gold band on their ring finger. Yes I wanted to be a nun and so did my Mother when she was a young girl. She often told me that she had regrets that she didn't follow her heart.
I loved the ritual of being Catholic the beauty of it all. I disliked the sermons, that made me feel that no matter how many rosaries or prayers I said I would still be guilty of something in Gods eyes.

So as a teen and young adult I did not attend church, not even at Christmas or Easter. When I had my daughters they were all baptized in the Catholic church despite my protests, because it was what my Grandmother wanted. We did not go to church though. My Grandma prayed for us and my Mom always said, "I made my first 7 Sundays I know I will go to heaven....." She did, whether she made em or not my Mom was a saint!  I learned about other religions, Bhuddism, Wicca, and even some Native American practices because my love is Native American. I thought about Atheism and evolution also. I also read the Bible occasionally and when I went through being seperated from my daughters I was reborn as a Christian even though I really did not feel completely in agreement with the Evangelistic Christian values my church had. What I did like was that the sermons spoke to me and that the God they represented to me was a loving and forgiving God. That to sing his praises was done so with joy and jubilation not solemness. I liked that they had lots of opportunites to fellowship and many groups to join. I read my Bible daily and even carried it with me a lot of the time. Its pages are dogeared and highlighted and writing is in the margin. I never had my own Bible until I bought one when I was 34. I went to Church for 4 years or so very regularly on Wednesdays and Sundays, my children liked it to some degree but it still was not the right fit for us. When I got my current job I made excuses. I have gone only a handful of times and have read my Bible only occassionally, but lately the pull to worship has been in me.

I question whether there is a church that is the right fit for me.  I have thought about visiting on Sundays but something has always popped up. So, am I a religion slut hopping from church to church, faith to faith? What am I looking for to be filled up with? What am I not getting?

I had a lot of things make me question my faith in God. My mother suffering from Alzheimers is probably the single reason it is so hard for me to wrap my head around a loving God. My Mom did not deserve to suffer and neither did we her family. I was really pissed off at God for a long time. Boy and he knew it. Remnants still linger. My other issue is that I always hear, "Be faithful to the Lord and the Lord will be faithful to you." The thing is I know a lot of heathens who always seem to be doing way better than I am and they cannot be bothered to even praise the Lord for all of their blessings. I know I know I should lead by example and go to church and be thankful in His house. 

I do have so many wonderful blessings to thank Him for. Just today I was worried about how I was going to get some extra money for my daughters field trip this week and her asking me for more to spend was like OUCH I dont have it. Low and behold I come home rather late today we all did, and there was a check from the PG and E Smart AC program that I signed up for when we moved here in July. A check for 25 dollars. Now that my friends is the Lord working in not so mysterious ways. Ask and you shall receive? I always say the Lord will answer us when we are open and ready to receive whatever it is we need, and that is not on our time but His.

So I am thinking of going to church on Sunday.

FLOATING POOP AND DINNER TIME CONVERSATION...

O.K. so I had to go no further than to my dinnertable to get a topic for todays blog.....Do you have time to sit and eat as a family? I try to sit with my kids on a regular basis, lately we have been slacking and eating in the livingroom, or half of us at the table and the other half in the living room. That was tonite, this could account for some of the stains I have seen on my new used couch. So I am sitting there at my table with my oldest lovelie and her friend and my grandson. We are just having conversation that would be deemed small talk between our bites of tacos. Tacos my kids made and I am not doing the dishes either! Usually if it is a week night we are talking about school and how their days went, doing an evening check in. We get into a discussion about how moody my daughter is today and she says "I asked my counselor if I was bipolar once." For some reason my youngest lovelie thought we had shouted her name. I said no, "we said bipolar, but if that is your name...." to which we all burst out laughing. She saunters in and asks to make a grapejuice can of concentrate for my grandson. I said, "sure" and my oldest said, "Why would you ask Mom if you could make it?" Her reply was "I like doing things!" I kid you not I choked on my taco, because this is the kid that will throw a fit and lock herself in the room so she can avoid doing her chores. Then oddly our conversation which was interrupted by middle lovelie turned to virginity. "How can a doctor tell if you are a virgin Mom?"

I was like wow I am eating here. In her case her hymenal ring had been broken years ago by her older sisters big foot when they were jumping on my bed. I checked her and her little undies had blood on them and I rushed her to the hospital thinking she had some devestating internal bleeding. Nope, it was her ring and it had been broken under the weight of her sisters big foot. So for years to come she did not hesitate to tell any one interested "my sister broke my ring" they didn't even know what ring she was talking about!

We continue on about Dr. Oz and something else and as I am taking the last bite of my taco. My oldest lovelie says "Yeah did you know your poop is supposed to sink, not float...." On that note I came and sat at my desk and started this blog. Yes your poop should sink and not float that means you are gassy, by the way.


So these are just some of the reasons we pee our pants eating dinner. I love dinnertime and weekend breakfasts with the kids at the table. It brings back good memories although we did not laugh much at the table when I was a kid because eating was a serious thing for my Dad. Eating everything on our plates was a big deal. I secretly hid greenbeans on the leaf holder under the table. I love feeding my family, it is a way that I show my love. I love watching them eat and them telling me thank you Mom. What is dinnertime like at your house?

I used to love to watch "The Waltons" when I was a kid especially watch as they all sat at the table, it always amazed me how they were such a lively bunch and how everyone seemed to enjoy it. A lot of my kids friends love sitting down to eat at our house and share in our laughter and eat something they have never tried. Cooking things that are not usual for us is something I love to do too. Do you? Once I made Chinese food and we ate with chopsticks. I tried to make sushi California style, but they were too young to appreciate it. I had never made manicotti for them and so I got all the ingredients and made it for my girls and one of their friends and he loved it. We were laughing and having a good time. We ate and cleared the table and it was time for my daughters friend to leave. His mom was waiting outside and as he walked away he farted quite loudly "Ooops you weren't supposed to hear that!" Must have been the cheese. We burst out laughing and to say the least that it is one of my all time favorite dinnertime memories.

Now I want to challenge you to sit down and eat a meal at the dinner table with your kids. Let them help cook. Let them set the table. Try something new on your plate. Turn off the T.V. Turn off your phones. Turn on your ears and really listen to what your kids are saying. Let the conversation flow, get it started if you have to but once they are talking you will find they won't be quiet. You parents should really take the time to listen and enjoy and converse with them because we live in times when not enough parents actually sit down to a meal with their kids. Once you get it going, keep it going. At least on the weekends! Because trust me we all have crazy schedules too, work,  sports practice, youth group, and soon college. I would not ever trade in sitting down to dinner with my family and our friends for eating at a five star restaurant. Besides you can't pee your pants or fart there.

aaaaaghhhhhh i hate my kids......ok, only sometimes

There are some days that feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for my  kids and then there are some days I seriously want to run away....Usually I say I am gonna run away to the circus, and wear those great circus lady panties. I remember watching "The DivineSecrets Of TheYa Ya Sisterhood" and ViVi's breakdown, and I felt a knowing in my heart that a person can only take so much. How much does it take to break. To break your spirit, your hope, to loose your dreams. You know the dreams you had as a young girl when you were still green enough to believe in dreaming big. I still dream big and maybe that is why I have no follow through.... the one thing I have been constant at is blogging usually at this time when the house is quiet and I am struck by something in the day that has happened.  So the thing that happened  recently was an argument with my middle daughter the other day and she said some really hateful things to me and I ended up having that mini breakdown and really hating who she was at that moment. Silly of me I know, because she is soooo like me and usually the things we despise in others is what we hate in ourselves, right? OUCH.....Well two days have passed and she treated me quite human today and that was nice, the her I love.

I find it funny that people say I love my children and would never hate anything about them.....they are LYIIIIIIING! Those are the people who go off of the deep end.

I hate a lot of things about my kids, here is my list of what
I hate....
1. laziness, no i mean LAZINESS!
2. rolling of the eyes, oh my God my head woulda been smacked off my neck if I did that to my Dad or Mom.
3. sighs and "Whatevers!", really you want to have the last word? I am the Queen of the last word in this house!
4. calling me "smart one" when we are disagreeing, it is the tone in which she says it with... I am the smarter one in this house after all.
5. whining, not so much anymore only when it involves cleaning the toilet or washing dishes..
6. swearing! wow is that how I sound?
7. manipulating.. UGH!
8. using veiled threats that they are gonna run away, please let me pack for you.....
9. saying that they hate their family and wish they could leave, hey let me call my friend at CPS she will set ya straight.
10. disrespecting the fact that I am the grownup in the house I AM because I said so!
11. saying I never do anything for them, this usually involves something of monetary value and since I have none well we have not even shopped this school year.
12. saying I love their sister more, puhleeze this one is as old as dirt.
13. telling me I am a loser because I drive a bus for a living, you aren't saying that when you are spending the fruits of my loser ass.
14. not being ready for school, practice or anything of importance unless it is to spend my money!

Wow.... I could go on but then I realize these are trivial things and that they have been to the same school of hardknocks as me and that they are products of their Dad and I. Poor Kids! They dont have much to work with! For all of the things I hate about my kids their are millions that I love!

I love...
1. the freckles on my daughters nose
2. the way middle lovelie laughs like Elmo, she was 3 or 4 when Tickle Me Elmo came out and I worked at Wal-mart and hid one in the dog food aisle so I could by it for Christmas.
3. when we are sitting at dinner and we all laugh at the same thing and 1 of us ends up peeing our pants..
4. the way they stand up for eachother if someone is messing with one of them.
5. the way they set no limits for themselves, like playing football or wrestling with the boys..
6. how I know when they are lying, it really is in the eyes.
7. how I know when they are telling the truth, its in the voice.
8. how I know no matter how bad it is they always will come to me because they trust me, they might be afraid at first but one will intercede as a messenger for the other...
9. watching them sleep even if drool is hanging out of their mouth.
10. getting their hugs, oh it feels so good.
11. getting their kisses,except when oldest lovelie has not brushed her teeth, her breath reeks of elephant piss at the zoo, seriously a mixture of hay and piss.....
12. holding my hand in public, which we swing back and forth like when they were little lovelies..
13. how we can all sit on the couch and cuddlebug to watch a movie, scary ones are best for this....
14. how they still go into my bed and think we all fit on it, ugh hello! You just didn't come outta my vagina...
15. how they thank me everytime I cook them dinner, especially once after we ate pizza for almost a week....
16. how they love my cooking...they loooove eggplant parm and my tri tip and enchiladas and well everything I cook... Unless it is something with tofu.
17. the gap in their teeth....too funny, two have 50 cent gaps.
18. their differences...
19. their sameness.....
20. when they tell me I was right and they should have listened to me....one down, two to go.
This could go on forever but you get the picture.

The hurt that I felt that day was because I did want more for myself before I made all of the bad choices I did. Saying that I was "just a busdriver" hurt because I so want to be more than that and I am really trying hard to do just that. I think I am a good Mom, and I know that things will get better moneywise. But maybe it is not the money spent on her that my daughter wants, maybe its my time she wants. I am so proud of my girls they have come so far, my child that was getting C's D's and F's is getting A's and B's. My oldest will start college in January. And even my baby has great grades and is well liked at her school. They don't get in trouble, or do drugs, or drink, or a do lot of the things kids today do. So ok maybe I am doing something right. I guess all I have to do to remember this is look at my kids. Gonna go pat myself on the back now!

I HAD AMBITIONS AND DREAMS THEN I WENT TO JAIL FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

October was domestic violence awareness month. My month for domestic violence awareness was September. It has been 9 years since I was arrested for attempted murder. It has been nine years that I have lived with the choice of that fateful day, September 2, 2001. How do you go from a good girl who has never ever been in trouble other than a traffic ticket, to walking into a jail with your loves blood on your shirt? The tumultuous road that led up to that day was paved with good intentions and I had a bright future ahead despite the fact that I stayed in an abusive and codependent relationship too long. I fell in love with someone who did not love themself, that is where all of our problems started. He was a bad boy and mysterious and beautiful and I was naiive even though when we met he was 18 and I was 25. I was the proverbial good girl, I still lived with my parents. Worked full time and had ambitions and dreams and he was just someone I was finally going to have sex with, because despite all of the whispers and gossip in highschool I remained a virgin. It was not supposed to be me falling in love with him or he with me, it was supposed to be a fling.  The kind of great romance you tell your grandchildren about. Instead I found myself in a situation that I did not like, there was something about him that needed rescuing and something in me that needed to be needed. We were destined to a fate that neither one of us saw coming.
I found myself pregnant and him in another state. I did not know that he was absconding Youth Authority Parole and I did not realize the depth of his issues until it was too late and I was in another state away from my family and away from everything I knew. I never witnessed any potential for violence from him. He became angry when I told him I wanted to leave and return home. I decided to stay because that is what I learned from my parents that despite any problems you have you tough it out. Not to mention that my father would not have let me come home. Although we eventually did return home and that is when our nightmare began. It was during this time that my love became addicted to methamphetamine and a cycle of drug use and physical and emotional abuse started. The cycle stayed in tact for 8 years and 3 children later and jobs lost, and jail and prison time and welfare and instability. I left him several times but always went back even though he had infidelities and lies about his drug use. In this time I too learned to be abusive and became addicted to the cycle of domestic violence, you fight, you argue, you provoke, you get physical, you actually inflict some physical or mental and emotional warfare on your love, and then when they break you are in control, finally you feel remorse. After that remorse comes the honeymoon phase when there is a period of calm and you are happy and content. Then the calm before the storm, and waiting for the bottom to fall out because inevitably it will and the chaos that is domestic violence starts again. He is not the monster here, I want to make that clear I will not villify him. I too was just as responsible for the life I lived and the danger I put my children in. My violent tendencies only flourished under his maltreatment and my uncontrollable anger. His drug addiction became bigger than our domestic violence lifestyle and it came to an abrupt and all too predictable finale on that September day.
 I remember all that led up to it and I remember being ready to confront him on what I assumed was another infidelity. I remember needing diapers and waiting for him to bring my car home so I could go and get some shopping done. I remember needing new clothes for a second interview with Sams Club, and getting papers filled out to become a Girl Scout Troop leader. I remember making plans to finish up my AA in child development so that I could go on to become a kindergarten teacher. He saunters in smelling of beer and ciggarettes and I knew that I needed to get him out for good. The volcano woman that I would soon become was dormnant  no longer. We began to argue and he yelled at me and I remember my middle lovelie telling him to leave me alone, she was all of 5, soon to be 6 at this time. I see in slow motion as he picks her  up and scolds her for getting into an "adult" conversation and I saw her little feet leave the ground. I ran and picked up the biggest kitchen knife I had. I remember motioning towards him and his eyes being as big as saucers filled with fear, as I told him to leave. Somehow we ended up in our room and all I know was that the very tip of this very big knife hit his neck and it was like a poke. When blood came out it was not gushing or pouring out, it came out in bright scarlett drops. I knew that I was not going to be a teacher anymore and all of my dreams left me and I sunk slowly down the wall onto my bed and crumbled under the weight of what I had just done. That is when I saw my middle lovelie in the doorway of my room and my love rushing in a blur before me. I snapped out of my shock and saw that he needed medical attention and drove him to the hospital about a mile away. Leaving my three daughters with the neighbor who had heard it all.

As I drove I remember saying "see what you made me do!" and I remember him saying "I love you" and telling me to say he fell on the knife. I told him how stupid that was and to shut up! I drove into the emergency room and ran and got a nurse, a girl who I had gone to school with, telling her my husband was stabbed. She calmed me down and he was whisked away into a back room. "Who did this?" she asked and I said, "I did." It was not long after that a police car arrived and this idiot of a cop came and basically said that I was not scared of my love that I was the aggressor wasn't I and I started it. And I told him I have nothing else to say to you, and he said you will go to jail, and I said matter of fact, "well then take me". I was mad, that I was not the victim in his eyes, my love had given his alias and none of his domestic violence arrests were showing up. A younger officer felt compassion and gave me respect and sincerity when he spoke to me. My love did tell them he fell on the knife and I could hear him calling my name. I just wanted to disappear into complete nothingness, because surely not existing was going to be better than anything that awaited me.
I cried and tried to sleep for the first two days of incarceration and I remember the shackles that I was wearing and how they clanged on me. I had a public defender and a clean record going for me. My lawyer John Garvin was very real about my situation. My kids were placed in foster care with my sister, my husband barely survived surgery. I severed his carotid artery with the tip of that knife. He had open heart surgery to repair a lung and food duct that was damaged when they replaced the artery. He was in a precarious situation and so was I. I was originally charged with attempted murder and before I went to my final hearing my lawyer presented a plea deal to me or the option to risk going to court. I say risk because I was looking at doing 7 years in the State Prison for Women in Chowchilla a town away. The other thing I had to factor in was waiting until December to have a court date and the possiblitlity that having a jury trial could go either way because jurors do not want to be deliberating someones fate when they should be Christmas shopping. My other option was the plea of no contest and five years probation, and being released after serving less than 30 days. I had already missed my middle lovelies 6th birthday. I went ahead and took the plea felony domestic violence. My love and I were both released on the same day and he actually called the jail and told an officer there to tell me to pick him up. How crazy was that? I wanted nothing more than to get away from him I was afraid of him. Everyone that heard what had happened said he got what was coming to him that he deserved it. I thought that it was going to be me not him and I came to realize that neither one of us deserved any violence we comitted against one another. Family violence is an epidemic in this country. Not just intimate partners but sons and fathers, mothers and daughters, siblings. What creates violence? I believe violence is a learned pattern of behavior. So I had to take a good look at myself.

I went through so much that year that followed my family viewed me as a failure, I had no one to turn to at times. I perservered through homelessness and found two jobs.Went to counseling and anger management classes. I did end up seeing him we were both trying to reunify with our daughters but my relationship with him was not the priority and it shouldn't have been. Getting my daughters home was. He ended up using again to numb the pain from his surgery first oxycontin and then back to meth. He had not learned that meth is what destroyed our lives. I did whatever CPS and the courts asked and my girls came home. I saw him on and off during this time and he told me that he never blamed me for anything. I still loved him after all. I still cared about what happened to him. 9 years later he was still using and at times he stayed with me but it was always short lived because his addiction was his love. I still put my daughters through a lot of unnecessary drama by dealing with him when he was in his addiction. Last year I stopped communicating with him and moved and changed my number with strict instructions at my job that no one tell him anything about me. I know that it sounds so twisted to you, to hear me say I still love him, but I do, because for all of the terrible times, there were good times between us too. There was love between us that no mere mortal except our very close friends could fathom. My love made one last request to see his kids and so I let him and this time I noticed that he was not chasing me down that he hung on their every word and there was a sadness in his eyes as he saw what he no longer had, his family. The next day he was arrested, he asked for help. He went into a facility for drug rehab and has been clean since May of this year. He has made great strides in his progress. Will it be enough? We know it is one step at a time, one day at a time. We have both grown up in so many ways.

I am not saying domestic violence is something that you grow out of on the contrary the more you live it, the more you know it, the more insidious it becomes. To me change is possible and souls are resilient. Today we know what our triggers are and we know that it is work on both of our parts. I and my daughters have had ongoing counseling.  I hate when media says "he" is an abuser and therefore a "bad" person. I was violent too. You don't think women can be violent?  Go to the womans prison and listen to their stories. It can be learned for us too. I say there are two sides to every story.

Not every family can heal from domestic violence most people must leave a situation, but where there is hope and love and a willingness to change, then all is not lost. I would never tell a woman to stay in a relationship that was violent where she feared for her life or her childrens well being. There are a lot of agencies and help available to women and men who want to make a change in their lives.

Almost every day I see women being released from prison and I say there go I, but for the grace of God. I wonder what their stories are? I wonder if they know that change is possible. I wonder if they still have hope? I know I did the right thing taking that plea no matter how much it limits my choices career wise. Besides the only real thing limiting me, is me. This was something I had to go through to get to where I am now. Where am I? I know myself better now than I ever have, and I love myself more now than I ever have. I know I have to be realistic and not fantasize about what my family is or will be, but they are my family and for all of our dysfunctions we are stronger than most! I cannot predict the future but I will say that I am a realistic optomist when it comes to my love. His addiction fueled his violence and his violence fueled mine and my violence taught my daughters that violence is acceptable. By seeing our lives change hopefully our daughters will also learn that violence is not acceptable. Are you willing to break the cycle? If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence in their lives check out these links  http://www.ncadv.org/  and  http://endabuse.org/ http://www.thehotline.org/ or call the  national hotline number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-789-787-3224.

I AM AN AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING, AREN'T MOST WOMEN?

My boss made a remark to me the other day, and I have been pondering it quite a bit. He (jokingly?) called me an "authority on everything". That comment was like a burr stuck on my sock, just rubbing me the wrong way! I later that day asked him how he knew that I was just that? He said because I let everyone know everyday. Now at this point I could have made a seriously rude comment to him that could have crossed the insubordination line but I chose to smile and say, "I am so glad that someone around here is finally acknowledging that I am an authority on everything!" I walked off with a smile on my face and some pep in my step. He guffawed and his assistant manager giggled. I really meant it when I said that to him, just as I am sure he meant it when he made that comment to me. Later that day I told my kids what he had said and I told them my quick thinking retort. They thought he was a dick. I told a dear longtime friend and she said some men in positions of power are usually threatened by a confident woman. Yah I know this.  I have been sitting on this all weekend. Do I come off as a know it all? Its kind of an odd thought I suppose but I am a very confident somewhat articulate woman. I was not always this way.

It developed out of my need to survive. I survived being a middle child, not being good enough in my fathers eyes because after all I was not the son he wanted, he told me this in an intense argument we had when I was sixteen. I have survived the ridicule of bullies as a young blossoming woman. I survived the terrible preteen and teen years when I thought I was not pretty enough or popular enought to fit in. I survived highschool. I survived my first heartbreak. I survived getting fired from one of my first jobs. I survived getting pregnant out of wedlock. I survived my loves drug addiction and infidelities and subsequently I survived the domestic violence cycle that I became addicted to. I survived going to jail when I stabbed my love in one of our domestic incidents. I survived when I had to admit that I was responsible for my own part in the life I had lived to that point. I survived my mothers illness with Alzheimers and her death during this time. I survived being away from my three lovelies when I fought to get reunified with them. I survived getting them back. I survived being homeless and hungry. I survived my oldest lovelie's teen years, and I survived when she told me that she was pregnant. I survived when I quit jobs with no others lined up. I survived giving my fathers eulogy after he refused to see me before his death. I have survived all of the let downs and disappointments and upsets that I have caused or been a part of in my life. I am still a work in progress and as I like to say I am scaling the Great Wall of Motherhood and Gammahood and Womanhood. I am who I am.

My friends think I am this "strong" woman... its so ironic that they don't see me in my quiet alone times. Times when some memory will flash and make me feel less then, and alone and forgotten and unimportant in the scheme of things. I survive those times too.

Do all of these things make me an "authority". Yes, they do. I am an authority on my life and the things I have been through that have brought me to this place of enlightenment and self awareness that maybe others do not or ever will, achieve. How sad for those that can never look at all of the failings they have had and realize that there is a reason they are where they are. Choice, what a great word. We can choose to sit in our heap of misery or we can choose to be an "authority". I like the wisdom I have accumulated in my life so far.
 I cannot wait to get some more!

"Diary of a Single Mom" rings sooooo true....

What am I doing up at this hour? Its raining outside, the kids are asleep, the house is making  settling sounds and I am on my blogher.com and I come across a post about this PIC series "Diary of a Single Mom" and at first I was like YAWN..... but then I kept on watching the episodes and let me tell you they ring sooo true. Some of them are a little overdramaticized and kinda stereotypical but really as I watch more I find it speaking to me, especially this episode http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1641244102?bctid=52215407001
The shows heroine Ocean learns that having dreams and wants as a single mom is so vital to moving forward in her own life and bettering her life for her children. Made me wanna prioritize more..... thanks DOASM . I am looking forward to seeing more episodes and following the growth of the characters!
So check it out on who woulda thought, the Public Internet Channel? I love it~NotUrTypicalGma

"religion" and "politics" versus "real life" and the "A" word...

Do you notice how in these election times the issue of the day becomes abortion? There I said it the dreaded "A" word. It is the hot button topic on a good portion of todays candidates agendas, especially here in California. This is when religious groups also promote their beliefs the most, during election time. So much for keeping church and state seperate. It is even the topic of the day in my little central California town. Our local newspaper has run articles for the second or third year about teenage pregnancy. This year they added a story about the fact that a young woman interviewed for the article under conditions of anonymity talk about her abortion experience. Then in todays paper there was an article about a teen who came forward in the public eye and talked about her abortion, and how at the time she thought it was the best decision for her, but now with renewed faith she talks about being pro-life and even shared her story at a faith based rally against abortion. I am glad she came forward about her situation but I do not feel that she has the right to put her beliefs on me or my daughters. Say what ever you want I am all for free speech! I do it all the time! I just feel that by saying that she felt overwhelmingly depressed over her choices and that through faith she was set free, is a dangerous prescription for the next young girl in her situation. Why? Faith is not the cure all for everything that ails you. I also feel counseling is important in working through any choices that one makes, like deciding to have an abortion. Faith has saved me many times but until and unless I addressed the deeper issues that caused my actions faith was not going to heal me alone. I find that it is not only my walk with God but my choices that shape the outcome of my future. That is quite obvious one would think. Is God going to cast me out of the opportunity of eternal life because of my sins? That is not the God I know. Because if that were the case I suppose I would burn in hell for my multitude of transgressions.

One of them being to choose the alternative to having a fourth child. I chose instead to have an abortion. I do not say "alternative" as cold and callously as you read it. It was a choice I agonized over, one that still haunts me today. I will say that I made the choice that was and has been right for me. I was a single mom with three young daughters I was barely able to take care of. In my moment of weakness with my childrens father who was still in his addiction it was not what was on my mind. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my body, and it is a scary thought that some legislator usually a male can tell me what is right for me. I find it hypocritical that people complain about welfare recipients having babies but when we choose to have an abortion we are even worse, because we have done so on their taxes. Maybe they feel they have dirtied their hands with my dirty little secret. I think choice should exist and so should sex education. I was not some teenager at the time. I knew the consequences of my behavior I just made a foolish decision. When I found out I was pregnant I was furious at myself and my love. More so with myself. Because I had to live emotionally  and physically with whatever choice I did make. Not that it had not affected my love, it did and he was wracked with guilt too.

I remember that day like it was yesterday and I remember feeling overwhelmed and questioning myself, was this the right thing for me to do? I remember the tears streaming down my face as my love touched my hand as he drove me to the clinic. I remember the dimmly lit waiting area that seemed serene and tranquil with couches and green plants. I remember seeing the fear on the face of a young woman who was under 16 and her boyfriend sitting on the waiting room couch just as scared. I also remember the well coiffed and manicured mother of a beautiful teen girl, and her sister sitting with her. I remember the mother saying, "this is what will be best for you, you have your whole life ahead of you." Then there I was another nameless woman who like everyone else would not look into the face or eyes of one another. I thought about my daughters at home and I thought of how much we had all been through.When they called my name and I went alone to the back area I felt the door close and I turned to glance at my love whose face was sad. The nurse was matter of fact and went about telling me to change into the gown methodically and in a droning monotone, because this was all routine to her. I remember the anonymous voices of the other women in the dressing rooms as they changed into dressing gowns. I remember one woman saying, "I had to take a half day off of work and I am supposed to be back to work tommorrow or I am gonna loose my job."  She said she was a waitress and really needed her job. Another said "My ole man gets out in a week and if he found out I was pregnant he would beat the shit out of me." I do not agree with women who use abortion as a method of birth control. Contraceptives are readily available and free at Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood for my procedure.. I was working full time at a job as a floral designer that did not have benefits and going to college. I qualified for medi-cal but if I did not I still would have went through with the procedure. My boss at the time who did not believe in abortion knew my situation and she did not judge me or shun me. The procedure for me was different because I was under 10 weeks pregnant. I ingested some pills and had a suppository inserted that opened up my cervix. I was sent home and I slept and cried and had what amounted to cramps. I hated my love, who for all of his sorrow that he felt, could  never fully  know my heartache. That was what seems like a lifetime ago, but it has not left me. The thoughts of what if and I wonder what... still exist today. I also know that being in my 30s at the time was far different than being 16, and alone and scared.

I am not here to make a stand on abortion or a stand against it. I am here to make a stand on the fact that I as a woman face many more issues regarding my body than a body of legislators who will be predominately male. One candidate even vows no abortions not even for victims of rape or incest. That is one candidate who will never be able to fathom what it is like to be a woman. He is a man. Why arent candidates talking about how to prevent teen pregnancies? Hmm. I feel on that day I did choose life! I chose the lives of my 3 daughters, that they have a better life, that I have the opportunity to give them more. We still struggle today we are finally getting above the water almost 9 years later, but we love eachother and want to see eachother succeed. That is what I want for my eighteen year old daughter, success, she is also the teen mom of my beautiful grandson. There is no perfection in my life. Things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Do I fear repurcussions of telling my story? No, I fear living in a country that would not allow choice for a rape or incest survivor.  I fear that some young woman go to some drastic measure to hide her pregnancy in a dumpster.  I fear some woman somewhere feeling that she will not be allowed into Heaven because of a choice she made. Is God going to forgive me? He already has. My God is a forgiving God, he knows me,  he created me.

good morning football fans....is that a girl in that helmet?

It is a beautiful California classic day outside and I am gearing up to go to my daughters football game. I cannot wait to be out there cheering my girl on. This is my daughters 2nd year playing tackle football. Thats right tackle.... no she is not on some girls league. She plays with the boys. She plays in a local youth league ages 6 through 12. I will say that I think this is the best thing I could have ever allowed her to do. Not just because she ROCKS on the field, but because it has taught her important life lessons that she otherwise might not have learned. When she asked me I will admit I was concerned, but when she played it was just a thing of beauty to watch. Last year her peewee team went undefeated and won every game that they played. She learned the importance of teamwork, and how to be proud of her accomplishments. This year she is in the 5th and 6th grade division called the pups, and they have not won all of their games. This has taught her that you are not always going to be a winner and that loosing gracefully is something great players do. She has walked around on the sidelines mopey and irritated when something has not gone her way and man that really annoys me as a parent. I say that because I know my daughter has leadership qualities that you do not find in a lot of other kids at this early an age. When she mopes she sends out vibes to her teammates the "lets give up" vibe. That is not a quality that will get you anywhere in life. We have discussed this and she realizes what it does to her self esteem and her teams.

Self esteem, such a powerful phrase and not so easily attainable for young people especially young girls and young women. It is as if your whole idea of success hinges on that phrase in these teen and tween years. I do know firsthand that being involved in sports has created a child more different than her two older siblings. She is more vocal, more confident and relates better to other kids. Not that I have shrinking violet, antisocial, doormat, daughters in my other two. Other things have created strengths in them that sports did not. I just feel sports has been beneficial to the social development of my youngest daughter. She also plays softball and baseball and is now setting her sites on basketball.

The possibilities are endless for my daughter and yours. It was not long ago that  playing football was a  dream in some little girls head. In the 70's while Title IX was being passed without reference to sports but rather education, Billie Jean King was breaking a barrier for women everywhere with her infamous "Battle of the Sexes" match. It was also at this time in my backyard that I was doing cartwheels like Nadia Comaneci and learning to throw a football like Roger Staubach. When I asked if I could play football with the boys I was told a resounding "NO!" My father broke my spirit and created a monster by telling me "no". It was from that day on that I vowed that if I ever had a daughter I would never say "no" to any traditional male sport or occupation, if they asked me if they could do it. Heck girls can pee standing up as far as I am concerned! So as fate would have it and a lot of prayers that I would not have a boy, I would not have a boy, no I would not have a boy to leave some machismo legacy for my father, I had 3 beautiful daughters! What was I thinking? When my oldest was little we put her in t-ball which she quickly lost interest in even before the first game. My middle daughter wrestled in fourth grade and though she did not win a lot of her matches, she won a very important meet match at the local highschool in front of hundreds of screaming kids all cheering her on. Her braids trailing down her back, she amazingly TKOed and pinned her opponent. I was so extremely proud  of her at that moment and she was proud of herself. After a neck injury and as the boys got stronger she lost interest. She still has that competitive heart. I would love to see her do MMA.

I respect all the trailblazers out there making it easier for the next generation of girls to reach for that brass ring and shatter more glass ceilings in the world of sports. Did you know that as early as 1722 a woman stepped in the boxing ring for the first time? Her name was Elizabeth Wilkins. Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila followed in her fathers footsteps. Two local MMA fighters introduced to martial arts by their father are sisters Zoila and Stephanie Frausto. Zoila has a record of  9 wins and 1 loss. I think that is awesome!  The first pro female pitcher has already happened in 1898, Lizzie Arlington pitched for the Philadelphia Reserves, and 12 year old Chelsea Baker with a 70 MPH fastball pitched her second perfect game in April of this year. Mildred "Babe" Didrikson Zaharias blazed the trails for Wilma Rudolph who blazed the trail for Marion Jones today. A local highschool standout Alicia Brown has a promising future in track. Janet Guthrie participated in the Indy 500 long before Danica Patrick. Holley Mangold, New York Jets lineman Nick Mangold's little sister played varsity football and earned her letter, she now pursues weightlifting and has lifted over 500 pounds. Katie Nhida a kicker for Division 1A team New Mexico scored two points in 2003. Learn more about women in sports, and Title IX at http://www.girls-explore.com/  and  http://womenssportsfoundation.org/. In the eighties and nineties provisions were made in Title IX that said female sports programs should be equal and proportionate to males sports programs in schools. Recently it has added community league sports to be inclusive in this ruling as well like the one my daughter plays in.

We lost our game today and though it was a crushing loss my daughter who plays both offense and defense played her heart out as did her teammates. I cannot wait for next year her last year in community league football, after that it will be junior high and then high school. Will she still have the passion for the game that she has now? I think she will and thats what inspires me to learn as much as I can about women in sports to show her that she too is a pioneer in a traditionally male sport. So CHEERS to all the girls out there that will be opening doors for the next generation of female athletes. You make me proud, you make me inspired, you lead the way! I wanna be like you when I grow up!

DELETING TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE....

I have been on this happy kick lately, and it is not due to all of the usual suspects, like sex, or money because I am broker than a joker. Its not due to new clothes or new anything, again with the no money phrase. I do not suddenly have everything I want, but yet I do. I am 44 years old and I can finally say that I have reached a stage in my life where I like who I am. Like Sally Field exclaimed as she won that Oscar "You like me you really like me!" That is what my reflection says to me when I catch a glimpse of it unexpectedly. I have trudged through my fair share of the caca in life and then some, thank goodness I was equipped with hip waders! So it was not some epiphanal moment that brought me to my most recent and only known state of bliss as a grownup. So what was it you ask? Hence the title for this post, I stopped dealing with all of the toxic people in my life. I pushed that little delete button in my head and started really rethinking the importance of certain peoples value in my life. Yes, value. I value my relationships with people, and though I am not a social butterfly, quite the opposite, I still have my close circle of loyal friends. Friends who I know would (and have) dropped everything to come and rescue me from what ever trouble I had gotten myself into. I have to admit that I am always the neediest person in my group of friends, or so it feels that way. I hate that I cannot take friends to lunch more often and it be my treat, but then again I am one of those people who have other things to offer. Usually it is advice or understanding and that can drain you more than a lunch at the IHOP.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?"  "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.

Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is  really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.

i am needing a blogfix....

I HAVE NOT BLOGGED IN A FEW WEEKS AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! UGHH SO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT AND SO LITTLE TIME... BUT THAT IS OK I WILL SET ME TIME UP FOR MYSELF. WE HAVE BEEN WITHOUT OUR FAITHFUL COMPUTER FOR A FEW WEEKS I HAD TO SAVE UP 60 BUCKS TO GET IT REPAIRED BUT LUCKILY IT WAS FIXED QUICKLY, THEN CAME THE DOWNLOADS AND UPDATES FOR MY DINOSAUR XP AND THEN JUST NO TIME TO SIT AND THEN MY 3 KIDS GETTIN THEIR COMP FIX.... OUR TV CONVERTER WENT OUT TOOOOOOO............SOOO WE HAVE BEEN  BUSY WITH OTHER VENTURES LIKE MY DAUGHTERS FOOTBALL GAMES AND PRACTICES AND EVERYDAY STUFF LIKE BOYFRIENDS AND CHORES AND WEDNESDAY NITE YOUTH CHURCH AND CHASING MY GRANDSON AROUND IN THE YARD AS HE MAKES A MESS OF THE LEAVES I JUST RAKED ITS NICE TO HEAR LAUGHTER IN MY HOUSE..... I LOVE THE CHAOS THAT IS MY LIFE..... I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT IT AND SIDES WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT!!! THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME I HOPE THAT YOU READ MY NEXT ENTRIES  AS I POST THEM! CIAO FOR NOW...

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LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IS YOUR FACE THE NEXT FACE OF HOMELESSNES?

I find that my life has taken many twists and turns along the road less traveled. In each of these little side trips I have learned something valuable. Sometimes I find that I have to repeat these life lessons a few times before I actually learn from them. I was homeless on my own without my children almost 10 years ago and though that was stressful it was not as bad as being homeless with them years later. I had made a series of bad choices, living in a house shared with others is never a good idea, it never works. Especially if it is family. Then we moved into a house that we could not afford, we thought we would because my love was working and I was working and we got this bright idea to have a paper route to supplement our income! Wrong, people do not pay up. Then my love goes on a binge and loses his job. I injure my back at work and it all goes down hill from there. We stayed at the local Rescue Mission, and I talked my way into yet another apartment. In between that time we actually slept in our van at a lake. Once I called my cousin out of town for money for a motel room, it was like being at a five star hotel. We were clean and fed but we were tired of having to stay out on the weekends all day because the policy at the mission is to be gone until supper time. That was more draining than anything. We sat in the park and longed for a bed to lay on. Even if it was just a mattress without a box spring. We longed for a nice hot bath and fresh fluffy towels. We had to shower after other people at a certain hour and shower quickly. We had to attend Bible Study because it is faith based, not that faith is a bad thing, faith is important and somehow that is what you cling to. Faith may be the only thing you have in times like these that pull you through. You sit in this Bible study with others in your situation, and some who will never learn that life lesson, addicts and cons and people you think lesser than you. It is during this time that I realize I am not any better, I have belly flopped off of my pedestal, and dragged my kids down with me. It was also at this time that my teenage daughter was pregnant. What kind of Mother was I?

There were days that I would cry when no one else was around and days when I would cry when everyone was around. My love had spiraled into his demise, heavy back into the meth scene. I became tired of the life that I was living. After moving several times, more than not getting evicted, because I knew how long that took from my experience with the house. I learned to drag it out, to have a place to stay a little bit longer. The moving and transition was due to a garnishment of 25 percent on my paycheck, leaving me with sometimes bi-weekly checks as little as 325 dollars. Garnishments for the house that we thought we could afford to rent. I still have that stinking garnishment but I am going though a paralegal to file bankruptcy and soon, poof that will disappear. I just have a great landlord that lets me pay every time I get paid to lessen the burden. She knows my history and I am determined not to live that way again. I live in a quaint little house with a great yard for my grandson. I love this house! It is "our" house.

We have a large homeless population in my central California town. As a transit driver I see a lot of them, some are families or parts of families single parents mostly. Some are street people who have lost their way due to alcohol and drug use. Some are mentally unstable, nameless faces that pass through or take up permanent residence in our local park or  the benches at my workplace. There is Roger the alcoholic heroin addict, former hairdresser to the stars. Stories of Jimi Hendrix, and Stevie Nicks pepper his conversations. He talks about not always having been this way. One day he disappeared and he was gone for two weeks before he miraculously arose from the dead. The story was that he had been found dead out by the river one frigid morning. No, not our Roger he came into town freshly shaved, his blue eyes twinkling off of the light reflecting from his silvery gray hair that was brushed back neatly. We were all genuinely surprised if not happy to see him and he laughed off the "Roger is Dead" headline. Coyly saying "I was at my cousins for two weeks." The weather warms up and he is out and about.

Some of the street people get permanent addresses and get legit and some of them clean up and get sober, one such couple was Pam and Tom. Tom was an old codger who had a penchant for living on the wind and he also had a penchant for Pam a former stripper. Pam had a penchant for meth. So at the beginning of every month Tom would get his SSI and Pam would entice it from him. Tom told me once that he was so in love with Pam that it didn't matter what she did. He said the heart could not help who it loved. He had tears in his eyes as he said this. Tom and Pam were in an car accident, he suffered a concussion and he started to suffer dementia after that. He lived for a short time in a community with disabled people, but he would sneak out to see Pam. Still knowing how to get to his love when he needed to. Pam then entered a shelter for women who suffer from chronic homelessness called the Shunamite House. I believe she has lived there for a year and has gotten clean and is now Toms care provider. They ride the bus occasionally now and again running errands or going to the doctor. Tom secured housing in a Senior Living Community.

So it touched me to see a young woman riding my bus with a little wisp of a girl, and I guessed that she was homeless. She was well spoken and her child was clean and well kept, and I recognized that all too familiar dreariness on her face. We began talking and she told me she was at the shelter. I said I understood what she was going through and then I offered her some resources. This girl was already en pointe, securing homeless status for the Housing Authority transferring her social services case, all of the things rolling to get out of the situation. She told me after a few conversations that she felt a stigma and that she was someone who had a great job as a correctional officer and had education and never thought she would find herself homeless. She hated how people down talked her and made her feel less than. She talked about not wanting to settle for the first place that came along because she did not want a bad environment for her daughter. How someone made her feel that she had too high an expectation, because everyone knows if you are homeless you should not aspire to wanting more than less then. The attitude of ignorant uncaring people makes me so angry that I just want to scream in their faces, " if it was you going through this wouldn't you want to salvage any dignity you had!", really just yell at them till their faces vibrated and their hair blew back! So I empathized with her, but i didn't pity her, that is not what a person in her circumstance needs. I gave her my number but she has never called me, and I even told her where I lived so she could go to my house and be in a nice cool place when it was 106 degrees here. She has never come.I saw her a few days ago and things are getting better, her final paperwork is going through, funds for section 8 housing choice vouchers will be available in December. Section 8 programs are available in all states and are funded by the HUD department www.hud.gov/ . This allows tenants the right to choose a residence that meets strict criteria and is certified as a section 8 housing residence. It allows low income individuals and families to pay a percentage of their rent, the rest is funded by HUD. People who are successful on this program have the opportunity to buy their own homes through the DAP program which allows families to get assistance for a down payment on a home being built in an unincorporated area of the county or city. There is also the Self Help Program www.selfhelpenterprises.org/ , which allows families to use sweat equity as a down payment on their new homes also built in unincorporated areas. Often times this is the only way low income families are able to own homes. Imagine going from homeless to homeowner, and what a great feeling it is. I am just happy for now renting my house!

My new friend tells me she will come by this weekend when I have a yard sale. I told her to bring stuff she needs to get rid of and come and relax for the day. I hope she does show up. Just the other night my girls and their friend walked to the neighborhood store and it was a little later. My oldest rushed in to tell me that there was a young woman standing out in front of the store with a little girl and luggage and a container filled with toys. I immediately thought of my new friend. She said she looked lost and scared, and at the moment that she was going to approach her to see if she needed anything a woman got out of her car and offered this young mother a ride. She accepted and I can only imagine the situation she was leaving to take a ride with a compassionate stranger. I know if I would have been there I would have done the same thing. Would you have?

Homelessness in America is not going to go away anytime soon and the homeless people who are in your town don't deserve to be shunned or discarded like trash, sometimes a kind word is all that is needed. Maybe a sandwich or hot coffee or cold water. Be thankful that you are sitting in your house tonight with a nice meal even if its Hamburger Helper, and electricity, and the sounds of people near you. That you are able to take a hot bath for how ever long you want. When you put your head on your pillow in your bed think of those people who are trying to find a place to sleep. Think of me and my kids in our van, and how I still got up and went to work and they to school everyday. We were fortunate to have the assistance of Madera Unified School Ditricts liason Rachel Donatelli who gave us information about keeping my girls in their schools. Homeless students sometimes find refuge at school because it is the only stable environment they experience during their period of homelessness. This link provides information on a national level for homeless student assistance http://www.seirtec.org/nche/index.php. The McKinney Act which you can also find in the previous link provides information regarding the laws of "The No Child Left Behind Act" as it applies to homeless students. Do not pity us we are better people for having had that experience. We are stronger as individuals and as a family. Home truly is where the heart is. If you or someone you know is at risk of or are experiencing homelessness contact www.maderacap.org/ locally for emergency rent vouchers or funds for temporary shelter, or nationally www.nationalhomeless.org/ 


October 29,2010
Just wanted to add that Roger passed away he fell at the bus station and hit the back of his head and fractured his skull, he went into a coma and passed on October 25th, we all miss you Roger and know that you are in a much better place probably talking with Jimi and Janis about their hair.
In memory of Rodger Dwayne Lott. The place won't be the same without you.