There are some days that feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough for my kids and then there are some days I seriously want to run away....Usually I say I am gonna run away to the circus, and wear those great circus lady panties. I remember watching "The DivineSecrets Of TheYa Ya Sisterhood" and ViVi's breakdown, and I felt a knowing in my heart that a person can only take so much. How much does it take to break. To break your spirit, your hope, to loose your dreams. You know the dreams you had as a young girl when you were still green enough to believe in dreaming big. I still dream big and maybe that is why I have no follow through.... the one thing I have been constant at is blogging usually at this time when the house is quiet and I am struck by something in the day that has happened. So the thing that happened recently was an argument with my middle daughter the other day and she said some really hateful things to me and I ended up having that mini breakdown and really hating who she was at that moment. Silly of me I know, because she is soooo like me and usually the things we despise in others is what we hate in ourselves, right? OUCH.....Well two days have passed and she treated me quite human today and that was nice, the her I love.
I find it funny that people say I love my children and would never hate anything about them.....they are LYIIIIIIING! Those are the people who go off of the deep end.
I hate a lot of things about my kids, here is my list of what
I hate....
1. laziness, no i mean LAZINESS!
2. rolling of the eyes, oh my God my head woulda been smacked off my neck if I did that to my Dad or Mom.
3. sighs and "Whatevers!", really you want to have the last word? I am the Queen of the last word in this house!
4. calling me "smart one" when we are disagreeing, it is the tone in which she says it with... I am the smarter one in this house after all.
5. whining, not so much anymore only when it involves cleaning the toilet or washing dishes..
6. swearing! wow is that how I sound?
7. manipulating.. UGH!
8. using veiled threats that they are gonna run away, please let me pack for you.....
9. saying that they hate their family and wish they could leave, hey let me call my friend at CPS she will set ya straight.
10. disrespecting the fact that I am the grownup in the house I AM because I said so!
11. saying I never do anything for them, this usually involves something of monetary value and since I have none well we have not even shopped this school year.
12. saying I love their sister more, puhleeze this one is as old as dirt.
13. telling me I am a loser because I drive a bus for a living, you aren't saying that when you are spending the fruits of my loser ass.
14. not being ready for school, practice or anything of importance unless it is to spend my money!
Wow.... I could go on but then I realize these are trivial things and that they have been to the same school of hardknocks as me and that they are products of their Dad and I. Poor Kids! They dont have much to work with! For all of the things I hate about my kids their are millions that I love!
I love...
1. the freckles on my daughters nose
2. the way middle lovelie laughs like Elmo, she was 3 or 4 when Tickle Me Elmo came out and I worked at Wal-mart and hid one in the dog food aisle so I could by it for Christmas.
3. when we are sitting at dinner and we all laugh at the same thing and 1 of us ends up peeing our pants..
4. the way they stand up for eachother if someone is messing with one of them.
5. the way they set no limits for themselves, like playing football or wrestling with the boys..
6. how I know when they are lying, it really is in the eyes.
7. how I know when they are telling the truth, its in the voice.
8. how I know no matter how bad it is they always will come to me because they trust me, they might be afraid at first but one will intercede as a messenger for the other...
9. watching them sleep even if drool is hanging out of their mouth.
10. getting their hugs, oh it feels so good.
11. getting their kisses,except when oldest lovelie has not brushed her teeth, her breath reeks of elephant piss at the zoo, seriously a mixture of hay and piss.....
12. holding my hand in public, which we swing back and forth like when they were little lovelies..
13. how we can all sit on the couch and cuddlebug to watch a movie, scary ones are best for this....
14. how they still go into my bed and think we all fit on it, ugh hello! You just didn't come outta my vagina...
15. how they thank me everytime I cook them dinner, especially once after we ate pizza for almost a week....
16. how they love my cooking...they loooove eggplant parm and my tri tip and enchiladas and well everything I cook... Unless it is something with tofu.
17. the gap in their teeth....too funny, two have 50 cent gaps.
18. their differences...
19. their sameness.....
20. when they tell me I was right and they should have listened to me....one down, two to go.
This could go on forever but you get the picture.
The hurt that I felt that day was because I did want more for myself before I made all of the bad choices I did. Saying that I was "just a busdriver" hurt because I so want to be more than that and I am really trying hard to do just that. I think I am a good Mom, and I know that things will get better moneywise. But maybe it is not the money spent on her that my daughter wants, maybe its my time she wants. I am so proud of my girls they have come so far, my child that was getting C's D's and F's is getting A's and B's. My oldest will start college in January. And even my baby has great grades and is well liked at her school. They don't get in trouble, or do drugs, or drink, or a do lot of the things kids today do. So ok maybe I am doing something right. I guess all I have to do to remember this is look at my kids. Gonna go pat myself on the back now!
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