i make no excuses about who i am! love me, hate me, just read me!

Saturday, October 16, 2010


I have been on this happy kick lately, and it is not due to all of the usual suspects, like sex, or money because I am broker than a joker. Its not due to new clothes or new anything, again with the no money phrase. I do not suddenly have everything I want, but yet I do. I am 44 years old and I can finally say that I have reached a stage in my life where I like who I am. Like Sally Field exclaimed as she won that Oscar "You like me you really like me!" That is what my reflection says to me when I catch a glimpse of it unexpectedly. I have trudged through my fair share of the caca in life and then some, thank goodness I was equipped with hip waders! So it was not some epiphanal moment that brought me to my most recent and only known state of bliss as a grownup. So what was it you ask? Hence the title for this post, I stopped dealing with all of the toxic people in my life. I pushed that little delete button in my head and started really rethinking the importance of certain peoples value in my life. Yes, value. I value my relationships with people, and though I am not a social butterfly, quite the opposite, I still have my close circle of loyal friends. Friends who I know would (and have) dropped everything to come and rescue me from what ever trouble I had gotten myself into. I have to admit that I am always the neediest person in my group of friends, or so it feels that way. I hate that I cannot take friends to lunch more often and it be my treat, but then again I am one of those people who have other things to offer. Usually it is advice or understanding and that can drain you more than a lunch at the IHOP.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?"  "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.

Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is  really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.


  1. very nice way of expressing! please continue putting in words what others can't! with your touch and outreach it's a nice state of relating i'm left with...i'm not alone.....

  2. Wow, your very brave not just by your actions but the choices you've made, you see the big picture and focus on whats better not just for you but your kids as well. theres alot of toxic out there in relationships and you've step up to the plate of what you want....very inspiring thank you!!!