Yes the holiday season is officially upon us and I like 99% of the rest of the population have not even bought any gifts yet. I like 99 % of the rest of the population will go on a pilgrimage to the local Mecca uh I mean Wal-Mart. I hate going to there on any day of the year but in the days that precede Christmas I really hate it. I love shopping like most women do, just not with my kids. Things have changed from the days of them just throwing themselves on the floor having a fit because they could not have a toy or candy, at least then they were 3! You would think as they got older it would get easier and well, fun. Wrong with a capital WRONG. They can ruin any simple shopping trip with not just one but usually several embarrasing acts; be it farting in the store, or worse yet fighting in the store, or mother of all shopping sins talking back to me, their Mom in the store......which is in public...... which therefore means I risk any physical or bodily injury that I may want to inflict on them getting picked up by a security camera. Darn it all.
Oh I recently turned the tables on them on a stop at a local 99 cent store and they were very embarrassed. I accidentally tooted in an aisle then laughed uncontrollably and tooted several more times and I did the peepee dance. I yelled with my grandson as we walked down the aisles. We had a grand time. My 18 year old, his mom tried to hide in another aisle and my 15 and soon to be 11 year old scolded me "Man Mom do you have to be so LOUD?" That my fellow mothers is what I call IRONIC. How dare they be so upset by my behavior. They torture me every chance they get! Me embarrass them imagine the horror!
So today it was with secret joy that I sat in my darkened van texting on my phone as I waited for my daughters to come out of Wal-Mart. I volunteered to stay in the car with my grandson who had fallen asleep. I was not looking forward to pushing my way through the store for toilet paper, diapers, and chocolate. Not with the crapload of cars in the parking lot. As I am on my phone I see a well dressed Mom getting out of a big giant truck with her rugged husband and two sons close to my 15 and 11 year olds ages. She smooths her long blonde hair and pulls down her rumpled coat, smoothing the fabric with her well manicured hands. She crosses her arm to secure her purse and like a drill sargeant says, "I am warning you, if you two embarrass me in any way once we get in the store I will pull your pants down and beat your asses!" She punctuates each word with a finger pointing that any Italian would be proud of. Now thats what I'm talking about! Joy rose up in my little Mommy heart which swelled with a knowingness and admiration for this Mom, and I grimaced like the Grinch! She marched off to take the arm of said boys father and I suspect had a great time shopping! At least I like to think that it was a carefree time and the boys behaved perfectly.
I wanted to roll my window down and say in solidarity, "YOU ROCK! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL NORMAL!" Alas my lil man was asleep and I did not want to wake him. So I sat shaking my head yes and secretly feeling the Christmas Joy that she had given me. Happy Holidays and happy shopping! With or without the kids!
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