i make no excuses about who i am! love me, hate me, just read me!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

On loss and the lessons it has taught me this week.......To be thankful always, not just 1 day of the year..

I am feeling a little pissed off at God today. I want to believe, I want to have faith, and I want to know that the things he does in our lives are for a purpose. I have had two losses in my family in the last 10 days. My favorite Auntie Annie Avalos, who was 103 passed away. She was a wonderfully kind, genuinely sweet woman who always took the time when she visited my family when I was a child to pay attention to me. She was married to my favorite Uncle Joe, my Mothers older brother. The two of them were some of the happiest people I knew, at least that is what I saw in them. The laughter that filled the house when they were visiting or we were visiting them in San Jose are some of the best memories I have. When my Uncle Joe passed away years ago I saw how it broke my Aunties heart, she had her two sons and daughter and grandchildren to give her comfort. She became the person their lives revolved around, in a most wonderful and positive way. They all cared for her, last year my cousin her oldest son passed away, heartbreak again. I know that a person who has lived such a long life as she did had many up and downs, happiness as well as sadness, but my Auntie seemed to smile through it all with a knowingness that the Lord knew what he was doing in her life. I just can't seem to get that in my life right now.
I want to surrender completely to his will but when I hear the news that my cousins daughter lost her child on Thanksgiving day I just don't understand. I don't get that a God like mine would take from the world a little soul that was so loved, yet he only allowed her to remain with those who loved her for two months. What is the lesson in this loss? How do a mother and father survive this, how do they explain to their other young children where their sister is? How do they find the strength to live through any moment of the day? I cannot fathom the depth of their pain, and I know that no words spoken or written will heal them from their heartache. Really their are no words. I do know that having those that love you around you can be both a blessing and a curse. The comfort their families will provide them is something they will need now, and yet I know from my own losses my parents, and  a miscarriage, that you need time to grieve alone as well. I have not gone to see her yet, things are overwhelming for her. Maybe that's an excuse for me to not have to see her in such pain.... or to relive any of my losses. I think at times like this that is why people find it hard to be in the presence of someone who has had a loss. Its a reminder of their own.
When her father came to tell me I was in complete and utter shock, a wave of numbness and anger washed over me and the comparison of the two losses that our family had just suffered was something I looked at. My Aunties passing was really a joyous thing to see, her family was at peace and the memories of her were so loving and special. It truly was a celebration of the wonderful long life she lived! Yet for little Mykah who had yet to make a mark on the world, why? She came into her parents lives and those that loved them for such a brief time, yet she too like my Auntie has made a lasting impression on my heart. I had not gone to see her yet, I was waiting for this month to pass, I know new baby visitors can be overwhelming, and having been around a lot of sick people I waited. I thought I would have enough time to see her.
That is the shitty part of this lesson God has decided to show me, that there is never enough time....that the things you think you can put off or wait to do really are not promised to you..that life like time is something that happens so fast. The blink of an eye really. I told my cousin that we needed to see each other more that it is sad that we live in the same town and that those of us that live scattered here and there really don't have the closeness of my parents generation. We reminisced on our family reunions that were held in my Aunt Vera's backyard. Even if it was once a year, we all sat and caught up on one anothers lives, that was the Facebook of that time. I mean it is nice to see photos of everyone on Facebook and get a glimpse of their lives, but I don't really know some of my family members...maybe that is the gift Mykah's life has given me. The realization that living fully in the moment and being truly present in our loved ones lives is greater than any "like" on Facebook.

This post is written in memory of two of the sweetest people that ever graced the earth with their presence.....
Annie Avalos came into this world on April 17,1908  called home to Uncle Joe on November 16, 2011

Mykah Marie Bundy was given to the world on September 27, 2011 she was like a shooting star, here for a brief moment in time, called to be one of heavens littlest angels on November 24, 2011