i make no excuses about who i am! love me, hate me, just read me!

Monday, December 26, 2011

To leave or not to leave, When your Bliss is on the Brink of being lost....Settling

I have been noticing a trend among a majority of my female friends and I am wondering why women who are smart and vibrant and beautiful, settle....I am guilty of it too. My relationship is what I would like to think "different", but I have chosen to stay with my Love who I probably should have left 10 years ago. Unlike my friends there is a reason that my "husband" was an asshole, and it was his addiction. He is just getting to a point in his life where it is not controlling him. I don't know what the future holds for us but I want to be positive that whatever happens we will always love each other. That is the key here, my girlfriends either are not in love, or have fallen out of love, or don't know what they are supposed to feel for the significant other in their life. They don't feel appreciated by their male counterparts...yet they choose to stay with them because they are afforded having a sense of financial stability. Not to mention that the sex is either nonexistent or matter of fact "wham bam thank you ma'am" sad to live that way.

No, sex is not what a relationship is based on but if you think about it looking back at the one you fell for was it the size of his earning potential or the butterflies in your stomach that had you falling down when he walked in the room? Ideally it would be great to have both, but realistically I think women choose one or the other. I have told my daughters to never depend on a man to support them. I actually like a quote by famed Diarist and lover to many literary men, Anais Nin, “How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, ... Some never awaken.”  As women we look for something to complete us as if we were incomplete all alone, when the fact is we are what men need to reproduce....Don't get me wrong I love my children and had my Love been a provider financially I probably would have had 10. If I did not have any I don't think I would have felt I was missing something.... I would have learned to like the me I had become. Lets face it, as women we loose a great deal of me time when we have a family or a demanding husband. That is why you see so many women divorcing as their kids grow and leave the nest because they then have this freedom they never thought they would have. They want to live the life they did not get to as a mother and wife.

When we are young we have this idealistic/unrealistic vision of what marriage and a relationship should be.We formulate this by what we see and live as children. If your parents had a warm and loving relationship chances are you will too, maybe you will even wait till later in life to find that compatible person. If you saw your parents in what you now know to be an unhealthy relationship, chances are you will follow that suit or avoid it altogether. Whatever the reason we end up in unhappy marriages inevitably we need to be happy with who we are first, no one will complete us or make us who we should become, we can only do that on our own.

If you expect your mate to change after 20 years of feeling unappreciated, you will have better luck winning the lottery. But on the other hand if your mate is willing to look at what got you here and work on it together then maybe there is hope. Listen up men when your women are telling you what they want, chances are they have said it a thousand times but you only filtered out the part where they are telling you to take out the trash and even then not doing what they ask, not the part where they are telling you they want more foreplay.

I am not an expert at relationships, quite the contrary but I do know how to communicate well with my Love. I think that is what makes it different for us we actually talk to and listen to each other. We share our hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities, and we talk frankly and openly about sex and what we need from the other. Look if you cannot talk about sex then you probably should not be having it.......just sayin' come to think of  it you probably aren't. It takes two to make a relationship thrive and it also takes two to grow the weed of discontent, one partner plants it, the other neglects it. Maybe that's why so many women go after the gardener....the other man who will tell them what they want to hear, woo them in all the right ways  and make them feel the best they ever have....until the weed creeps back in because as women we really need to love ourselves and nurture ourselves first, we are in fact the Master Gardeners of our lives.

Life is too short to live in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, bliss is attainable either in or out of the relationship but the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU really want.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Two cases of The Failed Welfare Sytem, Rachelle Grimmer Tragedy and The Millionaire Welfare Recipients

I have not really been blogging much lately too busy working my real life day job as an underpaid bus driver..But the headlines I have recently read have me FUCKING PISSED OFF! and in case you did not get that the first time I MEAN FUCKING PISSED OFF AND PHYSICALLY SICK TO MY STOMACH.....You read these recent headlines and tell me how they make you feel.. "Millionaire Seattle Couple Caught Receiving Welfare Benefits Over The Past 10 Years." The next headline read "Texas Mom Shoots Self and Kids After Being Denied Food Stamps" Why is the system set up so that these things happen? It is ironic that these two situations are in the news not even a week apart? Both tragedies of a flawed system. A system that has been in place in some form since the British invaded Plymouth Rock. Welfare at its current form began to be developed during the Great Depression, and it has grown in to an uncontrollable terrible mess that it is today. Each States laws are different with regards to benefits individuals or families can receive. In my opinion it just does not work...I'm still on it....I only receive a small allotment of food stamps and I do qualify for medi-cal, if your read my blog you know that I work full time, my medical benefits are unaffordable with my one income although I do have a Vision plan and hope to add Dental this year. Things are better for me than they ever have been but I still have to rob Peter to pay Paul and watch where every penny I spend goes.
So the fact that David Silverstein  and Lyudmilla Shimonova were live the life luxe while probably talking shit about the people who really needed the welfare, jetsetted and lived in a 1.2 million dollar waterfront home....just makes me wanna lock em in a room full of people like Rachelle Grimmer the mother who shot and killed herself and injured her two children because she was denied food stamps. Honest people who really needed the help, but the system was set up to sabotage them. There are a lot of catch 22s with the welfare red tape. If you have never had to use the system you are a babe lost in the woods while the hungry wolves are salivating over you. Paperwork and everything from the proof of your income to the proof of the color of your shit is asked for...OK I am being dramatic.
I know all to well the hopelessness that Rachelle Grimmer a single mom must have felt. She had recently moved to Texas  from Ohio had moved several times within Texas, obviously searching for a place to call home. I don't know the circumstances of her situation completely but I know as a Mom who has slept in a van with kids figuring out what we were going to eat or how we were going to make it to the next day, I am sure it was overwhelming for her. She had applied for food stamps in July and had apparently missed her appointment, and to that I say taking time to apply for Welfare is a FUCKING JOKE PEOPLE ITS LIKE HAVING A JOB JUST TO DO YOUR WELFARE FORMS...I will have to take time off of work next week myself so that I do not loose my benefits which I still need and depend on greatly. Not all jobs or bosses are as understanding as mine. Rachelle Grimmer's case was held up by the fact that she did not provide enough information according to spokesperson for the Health and Human Services Commission of Texas. Funny how illegal aliens do not even have to be citizens and they get aid like its going out of style...and they don't even get turned in for being illegal? That's Texas for you and my beautiful state of California, but hey lets face it I don't know many white folks or black ones that would go work in fields right? I do think if you are on welfare and you don't have a job you should go work in the fields not some air conditioned office filing papers.
Sadly, Rachelle Grimmer and her story will be the poster story for some FUCKED UP POLITICIAN WHO SAYS THEY WILL REFORM WELFARE. Rachel Grimmer's tragic situation will for decades to come, define the Welfare System as we know it.

For some reason a crucial part of my blog keeps getting edited out and I don't know why, but I am adding this back in. In my original blog I wrote about the things you need to do as you file for welfare assistance, cash aid, food stamps or medi-cal. Each state and hence each county has different rules regarding assistance. Refer to your local office for their guidelines and rules. In general you can expect to be asked to prove residency, proof of income, proof of unemployment eligibilty you should apply before you go to apply for assistance even if you are going to get denied. You may be able to sign an affidavit that you sign under penalty of perjury in lieu of a any document that you are unable to provide immediately. Ask your worker more. Birth certificates, social securitity cards, photo ids for all adults in the case, immunization records, proof of enrollment in school, proof of financial aid if in college, rent receipts, rental agreements, mortgages, bank statements, proof of utilities and proof of vehicle registration.California allows you to own one vehicle and have less than 3000 dollars in assests. Always get the name the date, and time that you speak to anyone, ask for receipts for your documents and never leave original documents with your caseworker they can make photocopies.
You may be able to receive emergency assistance if you are pregnant, homeless, or if you are a victim of domestic violence. If you have an immediate need like assistance due to eviction, or utility shut off provide proof such as a three day notice or 48 hour notice, or if your food will run out in three days. You also qualify for emergency assistance if you are the victim of a fire or natural disaster. In most cases in the state of California you should get a determination within 3 days if you are classified as an emergency case, otherwise expect to hear about your case decision in 30-45 days. AFDC and Med-ical applications as well as CALFRESH, the states food stamp program can be applied for online in the state of California, here is the link  Most libraries have computers for the public if you don't own one or know someone who does.

Makes me wonder what the fuck the Silverstein -Shimonova's emergency was that they were able to bilk the welfare system by blatantly lying and getting away with it. Did Shimonova break a fucking nail and her Chiropractor husband what the fuck was his problem? Oh that's right he was her landlord and needed that 1200 dollar a month rent voucher to be able to go to what was it? FUCKING MORROCCO. Crappy part is these assholes punishment will be way to good for them. Doing time in a cush Fed Pen playing tennis and crocheting. This is a federal case and we all know Martha Stewart did OK.

If you want to see true reform become the voice... that Rachelle Grimmer did not have. I pray for her two young children who were shot by Grimmer in this tragedy and are in critical condition, my heart sinks for them tonite on the eve before I receive my 275 dollar food stamp allotment for my household of 3.

December 8 2011,
I have just read that both of Rachel Grimmers children have died, I am very sad, and my heart is heavy....