i make no excuses about who i am! love me, hate me, just read me!

Thursday, January 13, 2011


This is a volcano ready to blow...... I am not liking daughters choice in boyfriends. She will tell me who am I to talk, considering that her dad is who he is. The difference here is that I am 44 and have been with the same man for almost 20 years, whereas she has had a steady stream of not memorable boyfriends for the last 3 years, and that too is somehow going to be my fault. I take some responsibility for creating this little monster but most of the credit goes to my sister who put my firstborn on a pedestal and babied her as if she had come out of her own vagina. She had stable male influences in her life when her father wasn't there and the thing is when he is here, she is his little princess too. They are very much alike, good looking and funny and able to manipulate a situation to their benefit. She is also a lot like me volatile, demanding and prone to want to run the show. My whole issue is that current boyfriend is a lazy irresponsible leech. He sits in my house on my internet while I am at work and when I have come home in the afternoon to do a driveby he has been snoring in her room...must be from a hard day of doing absolutely nothing. Darn so let me tip toe through my house. When he is around she tends to be like him. It would not matter so much if she didn't live in my house, you can lay around all day as long as it is in your house.

Since she helps out with the rent she thinks that she has a say so, sorry not really.
When you are doing something productive going to school or working or making some positive changes then maybe, or maybe the day you have to wipe my ass that will happen. So I am at a point where the Volcano Woman that I am is going to blow, and let me tell you when I spew it ain't pretty, it ain't pretty at all. The last time we had a blow out she threatened to leave and take my grandson. Sorry no go amigo...

So instead of being a doormat where everyone can wipe their shit on me I am going to lay the law down and let it be known that the sheriff is in town.

Raising girls is such a battle of wills, I didn't know then that we would all be PMSing at the same time! I prayed hard for girls and now I am praying they just grow up and move out and leave me alone! Oh I am sure there will be a day when I want them all around me but that day is NOT today!

So why is it that when you try to give your kids advice they shrug and roll their eyes and only ever hear the negative things that you say or take what you say and twist it. Man I really need to apologize to mom and pop when we meet again. Because I am so feeling their pain when it comes to raising pain in the ass kids! I too knew it all I was riding the wave of having it better than my parents, in an entry level retail management job with a lot of potential, living with my parents at 24, great credit, lots of shoes and a toy poodle and no worries. Then I hit my rebellious streak and met my love and ran off with him. Oh the lust factor...  I was just a late bloomer whereas my daughter started rebelling at 15. Damn shoulda stuck to toy poodles. So maybe she will grow out of this phase where she thinks she needs to have a boy to define her. Just because someone is 18 or 19 does not make you a man..... nope you are what I call a "scrub", current boyfriend. Don't you just love that song from TLC.

The only joy that I can secretly have right now is knowing that he is not the one, because hopefully she will meet someone who is going to show her what a good man is all about, the kind of guy Carrie Underwood sings about in her latest song. Does that guy really exist? I think so and I hope my girls meet him in their lives. So in the meantime I have my say and piss her off into the arms of current boyfriend, but I look forward to the day when I see my daughter really love herself enough to know that she deserves to be treated like the little monster errr princess she is.

Just a footnote, I spewed and it was actually pretty good for me no one talked back, rather just sitting there thinking, "OH SHIT WE WERE WONDERING WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!" ONE for team Mom ughh I mean Sheriff

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Last week I was ignored two times, no take that back three. Ignored by two different people, different not just acquaintances/family. One person was a former employer rather my former employers daughter. Just as well we saw eachother a few times weekly over a period of five years and she on occassion signed my paycheck. On two seperate occassions she saw me in the neighborhood grocery store and each time we were less than five feet away from eachother, she surely saw me from the rear and the front and I am still pretty much the same me I was five years ago. Ok maybe wider, older, ughhh maybe that should read wiser. I know I am just as guilty for not speaking up but strange thing is I was irritated that she did not, and that when I tried to make eye contact with her she quickly looked away like she was trying to avoid me. Maybe she thinks of me as inferior to her. I often had that feeling from her Mother, that I was good enough to work for her but not much of anything else, she and I occassionally had blowouts, and looking back I know she thought I was more trouble than I was worth to her. I was an underling florist assistant in her shop and would never have the responsiblities that her head and pet florist had even though their designs were seriously horrid and  pets were works of disaster. When she put her shop up for sale I told her she should sell it to me and she laughed at me. "Oh Dear" she said seriously as if I was incapable of making a go of it, never mind that I did not have the money and in her eyes never would.

Now I pass the shop and look at the for rent sign on the door and I remember all of the hardwork I put into my job there. The person that bought it ran it to the ground instead of making it successful. Maybe one day I will have my shop. I miss my flowers and my creative side that is waiting for Valentines day to make some extra money. I have the perfect garage to keep roses nice and cold, so I can sell bouquets of love on the cheap on that upcoming day. So former employers daughter ignores me twice in a three day period and wow, next time I see her I am going to say HI so she cannot ignore me however much it may make her squirm to acknowledge me. I don't want her to run up and ask me for my autograph hah maybe one day, eh she has all of my cashed checks so when I make it big she can say she knew me when.

The next situation came out of a walk through Wal-Mart where a lot of my life seems to take place....... in the fabric department my loves neice looked right at me and  two of my three daughters and proceeded to ignore us too! WTF really? I made a comment that wow going to act like you don't know who we are? And yes I could have said Hi but this is also the upteenth time that she or her sister has ignored us. They talk to my other daughter who is dark complected fine but us whiteskinned folks they ignore. Blatantly, she ignored my fairskinned daughter altogether and introduced my darkskinned lovlie as her cousin to a friend, and they were standing with eachother! So I told my darkskinned daughter and she facebooked her about it and her retort by the time she knew who we were we were gone and it works both ways.....yeah it does but it has happened way to much from them. Before I remember who they are they are walking off whispering about who we are to whoever they are with. So I guess the next time I see them I will just have to say yes we are related to you we just have better hair. Ok  maybe I won't say that but I cannot promise that I won't either.

Got me thinking how many people have I ignored and lost out on great conversation or even more? Maybe its shyness or rudeness I don't know. But I vow the next time I see someone I remember, however vague the memory of them would be I will make an effort to say "Hi arent you????" and if it isn't who I thought it was at least I tried right? So even if I have spinach in my teeth or my fly is down say "Hi" to me if you think you know me, then let me know in some subtle but unembarrassing way. Thats the least you could do!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I am having an issue with our local department of social services, and my present worker in particular. I did not turn in some information for my food stamp recertification in according to her a timely manner, and so she terminated my benefits which included my medical benefits. Even though I had turned in a monthly report with my income, at question is my child's bank account which has a big two dollars in it and I really am starting to feel that maybe I want to challenge that they should not include a child's bank account in the families resources. Then today I come home to find out that I need to now find a medical provider, I have been going to the same clinic for almost ten years and it is not listed as a provider. What frustration I am feeling. The welfare system is a joke and has done nothing to help me get off of the assistance that I have had. I have made every step to move forward on my own. I work full time, I make 11 dollars an hour yet I am still considered poverty level when it comes to income. I work for a worldwide company and do you know how sad it is when I cannot even afford the medical insurance they provide because it would take one of my paychecks to pay for it.

I know that I am lucky to have any option as far as health care is concerned and let me tell you even though it sucks that they practically want to know the color of my shit I am grateful to have medi-cal. What I don't like is that they treat me like I am some dumbass when I ask them a question or that they treat me as if I am a bother to them. Look if you do not know the answer of if you have never heard of it don't say it does not exist, do some research, ask a supervisor and then get back to me with the correct info.....

After dinner I googled medi-cal rules and a variety of other phrases to see what I could find to support my case. I stated to her on the phone that my daughters medi-cal was not active and she said terminated my benefits sending me a letter and my argument was why? I had provided my income for the required report month and that we were recertifying for food stamps, she said she needed to verify my daughters account. I said well with regards to terminating my medi-cal it should still stay active for thirty days, well after her taking my words out of context and me getting ready to call her a royal bitch I decided I did not have time for her and said I would bring the paperwork in. I know for a fact that in the past my medi-cal stayed active for 30 days. So after three hours of googling and coming up empty handed at the official site for California medi-cal I found a little link that helped me with info. It is really sad that when I tried to get the facts in the official site I got a message that said "this file has been damaged and cannot be read!" What the Fuck is that all about! I go to my OFFICIAL STATE SITE AND I GET SCREWED BY THEM TOO! So then I try to contact them to let them know and there is no email for the person in charge of medi-cal.....and a list of addresses that I do not even know who to send theses complaints of mine to. Aint that about a bitch!

But rest assured my readers that I will be heard, according to Edwards V. Myers I do have thirty days and I also have 20 days to send in information that I was not able to provide at the time of my meeting a mere two weeks ago. Hmmm...Mrs. Uglyass I was right, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! This worker ain't no new kid on the block either, she should be schooled and well versed in the laws of  Human Services. I guess some of us cannot help that we are stooooopiiiiid or toooo lazzzzy to find an answer for our client. Heaven forbid a client be right about something! But you know me I always have to be right, so when I send in my paperwork tomorrow I am going to enclose a lil link and a printout so she can feel free to learn the things she needs to know to do her job. I just love educating people!!!! If you have any questions about foodstamps or medi-cal or cash aid here is that handy link this link is actually part of a website for Vietnemese parents of disabled children, I love how they have organized all of this useful information to serve their members and I am hoping to follow their model in a page totally devoted to links and resources. If you have any please let me know send them via my email at xanngonz@gmail.comn  so that I can include them in my resource page!

Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for your loyalty as a reader of my blog!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

You Can Lead A Teenager To Church But How Long Did They Whine Before You Got There?

I announced to my lovelies today that We would be going to church tommorrow and they all whined. Maybe it is because we are returning to our old church, the one I wanted them to be more involved in but they refused. We went every Sunday and Wednesday for almost 4 years and they always went to the adult service more often than not, and then when I started my present job we just stopped going. My kids are not very social beings, at least my two oldest aren't and I don't know if that is my fault, because I myself am not extremely outgoing. My youngest lovelie is more of a social being than any of us, I just think that she is less prone to worry about peoples judgement. A carefree type of personality who can adjust to any situation. My two oldest are protesting that they don't have anything to wear as if God himself was Ms. Jay from the show Top Model and he was going to call them out for wearing jeans and a tee. Maybe if they went to the youth group they would see every other teen in the same getup. Hmmmm......but what do I know.

The next issue with going to church for my oldest heathen, err.. I mean lovelie is that she doesn't not believe in God and so why should she have to go since she is 18. The only reason I wanted her to go was to take my grandson and to get him into the nursery there so that he can become more socialized. I would take him but really it is up to his mother how she wants to raise him, and though my hopes would be that there would be some place for spirituality in his life it isn't going to happen until she or he is ready. What gets me is for someone who does not believe in God they sure call out to him a lot when the are frustrated...... That brings me to middle lovelie who did not complain earlier too much when I told her, it was only after I refused to allow her to "strip" her hair, which much to my protests she died black a while back. Stripping the hair is not bleaching the hair Mom.....yeah it is I went to Lyles Beauty College and yes it is bleaching the hair. Another barb for me is that she goes to youth group on Wednesday nights with her boyfriend at a different church altogether. Maybe if he went to our old church she would be up and ready to dance in the aisles and praise the Lord. Do I really want to sit in church with a noncompliant sullen faced angsty teen....who would probably try to text throught the whole service! Blechhhhh!!!!!

So here I am feeling like I am forcefeeding religion on my kids and the sad part is I am. When they were younger they really had no options but to go. Now that they are older and make a lot of their own decisions do I let them stay home? Do I insist they follow my lead under false pretenses. I guess who ever is ready when I leave the house will go with me and if its only my youngest lovelie then that is how it will be.

I need this spiritual renewal. I need to be filled up so that I can pour out what is in me. I am not some Bible thumper or religious zealot. I am a normal frazzled mom of three and Glamma to 1 who finds that when I get my spiritual hunger fed I am a lot more likeable person, I like myself and I tend to make better choices plus my blood pressure goes down and decreases my wrinkle probability. So I am going to go for me without any expectation for my kids to go and then maybe just maybe one day they will follow. I am going to ask for special prayer about that in prayer circle tommorrow.

Special Footnote:
I had just finished this when my youngest came up to me and asked me, "whatcha doin?" I said, "blogging.." then she saw the title and she said, "Oh its about those two" I said, "yes those two assholes...." She confirmed my suspicions that she was going with me and we high she sat and watched me write this footnote she saw that I referred to her sissies as "assholes" and said, "Arent you going to church tommorrow?" with a giggle...well yeah I am a work in progress.