WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS WHO NEEDS THEIR OWN ASSHOLE..THE PITFALLS OF BEING A GOOD FRIEND...

So since the lunar eclipse my lines of communication have been blurred....with family and friends and apparently I have fallen into drama that I actually want no part of of. It is inevitable that with relationships with people drama follows...words are said, things are done, and relationships become damaged. Betrayal at its worst is hard to mend when it happens between friends, let alone family. I have been caught in a vortex of other peoples drama...I have enough of my own thank you very much. I am singleparenting it, to two teen daughters and my 20 something and her son. My house is overflowing with people...my space is not my own and I am missing my Love like crazy. I would not have it any other way even in my grumblings I know that this is a great time in my life and so I have resigned myself to the craziness of it all and written it off as, normal for someone like me. Yet I have been bombarded from the outside crazies with drama and lies and more drama and wow I cannot take it. Toxic people are sucking the life out of me and I like being in bliss mode not drama overload.

Why do we allow people to treat us this way? Why do friends and family turn on eachother over misunderstandings or assumptions and why is it that it usually involves money? Why do we fail to take inventory of ourselves before we point the finger at someone else? Why is it when you make a genuine effort to help someone they manipulate the situation so they are now making you out to be the bad guy when you bailed them out of their situation? This is a general observation of mine. Have I been guilty of it? Yes I have, but then I caught myself doing what every person who manipulates the situation do..play victim. You cannot be the victim of a circumstance you alone have put yourself in. I am not talking about real victimization like abusive relationships or homocide or rape or things like that. I am talking about the victim who believes their problems exist because of everyone else and not the fact that they made the choice to not pay a bill, or tell that lie, or not go to work or betray a friend or family member. That kind of victim playing annoys the fuck out of me. Have I done it? Yes I have. Then I realized just as I cannot allow people to treat me like crap, I have to be responsible for my choices. Ok so I go without water for a few days, or my phone is off because I have a big electric bill, I get pulled over because my tags are expired. So I hustle and work my butt off, maybe friends will come to the rescue and I will have my water back on, which they did....thanks guys. Yes I have or will finish paying them this week, I have not avoided them. I will work overtime to get caught up because hey life happens, things happen and the things I cannot control like my car breaking down or getting sick are inevitable, thats life. So I control the things that I can like making sure to pay a certain bill or giving up cable until I can afford it, simple choices people.

 Some people in my circle are generous and kind hearted and some are just takers....until they burn bridge after bridge and then it becomes an issue of paying back that kind hearted person with a barage of drama and insults and trying to make them miserable because they, the taker have failed to live up to their end of the deal. They are literally standing on the piece of driftwood thats left in that river of self pity they have created for themselves. They reach out to whoever will have some sympathy for them and usually its not many that are left, usually only telling their side of the story. We all know that old saying there are three sides to every story theirs, and yours, and the truth. Most people in this situation have to hit their own rock bottom and either admit they have a problem or genuinely ask for help or even apologize to people they have betrayed, but not as a way to get back in good graces. No, as a way to heal a relationship that they may have damaged if it can be repaired. If it cannot then its time to let that person go so that your sanity can be kept intact. I have had to do this recently and though it is hard its best for me and my family. We are moving forward in our lives and cannot afford to have the burden of someone elses inability to be responsible. All I can do is pray for that individual.

Genuine relationships are rare. It is true that we cannot pick our family, that is a card that is dealt to us but we can surely pic the aces in our circle of friends. Surrounding yourself with people who you aspire to be like, is usually a way to bring out the best in yourself and them. True friends find reward in knowing their is no pricetag where friendship is concerned. Someone recently told me a mutual friend of ours became friends with him and his wife because my Love and I never had money to do anything. I didn't want their money, I wanted their friendship. I don't need to be bought and I sure as hell ain't gonna buy you. If you want to come and share a meal and good conversation and laugh into the evening I can be your best friend. Just don't expect me to pay for your fucking pedicure or spend my income tax money on something for you. That was said too. The moral of the drama hurricane I have been caught up in this last week or two is that I know who my real friends are. I love them as they are, with all of their flaws and inconsistencies....just as they love the fucked up person that I am. One of them said that they like that I don't sugar coat, that they know that I will be straightforward with them and that my real friends and family will continue to love me. Lets see after I publish this how true that is.

Parable of the Proud Daughter: Supporting your Childs Decisions Even If Its Hard!

Sometimes as a parent it is hard to sit and watch you child's life unfold. The times when things are going well and they are successful make you proud of course and are a joy to watch. Those are automatic feelings that happen when pride swells your chest and you say "That's my kid!" to anyone who will listen. I have 3 wonderful daughters and sometimes I feel they only hear the negative things that I say. I know that's all I heard from my Dad. It took a long time to become a "better" parent, more mindful of things I say, even today I ranted and said "stupid" a few times. I am frustrated with "stuff" and I have a lot on my mind. I have been slipping in the praise department, and I know it.

I have my oldest daughter on my mind today as I request friends on Facebook to pray for her to make some hard decisions, that in part have come about because of someone else's irresponsibility's. Some were her own choices, but in the end most of the situation came from something that was not in her control. I selfishly want her to come home and live in my little house again. She has in the past and we have butted heads a lot! I think this time its different, no boyfriend drama is involved, shes an adult now and her son is going to be 4 this year. I think she knows she has to make some choices in his best interest. As much as I want them here so she can get on her feet, I know that is how much she wants to stand alone and be a grown up.

The fact is she is still my Baby, my first baby at that, and I have watched her successes and choices that have led her to a point she is at now happen. I wont call them mistakes or failures, because my grandson is not that. Getting pregnant with him at fifteen changed the way her life would go. I want her to believe that she can still attain her dreams, she has always wanted to work in the criminal justice system with at risk youth, kids like her. She has no high school diploma and tends to want everything to happen NOW! If she studies she will finish her math GED, she is a whiz at English, but math is  for her as it is for me, hard. Her time on welfare is running out, and though she is currently going to beauty school, she may have to take a leave or quit. Especially if she moves home with me. I keep telling her that she CAN finish her GED that she CAN go to college, that she CAN even join the armed services, or continue her education at a school like Fresno State. She is having a hard time believing that I think. Believing in herself. I will never stop believing in her ever, because she is MY kid, made up of the same indomitable DNA that I am. I never let anyone or anything hold me back, yet like her I am my own worst enemy when I fear failure! Sometimes letting my PRIDE get in my way and cloud my judgement. She is too big for this small town life and I know she wants to see more of the world, and I know that will one day take her away from me. For now though I want her home in our crazy little house, safe and sound like the "Prodigal Son". I told her last night that she needed to pray about her decision, and that I would be here for both she and my grandson, and I will be, whatever she decides, sometimes you need to let them fly, let them find themselves...even if it breaks your heart.
I spent a sleepless night and cried a lot. We never stop being Mama's even when they have babies of their own. Love you my Proud Daughter.

BETRAYING THE ONES YOU LOVE...ABOUT MARIA AND ARNOLD

I have had my own struggles in my relationship with my girls father, as most of you know if you read this blog. So the news that Arnold has a "love" child, with a former maid was not a big shock to me. Not to say that what he has done is ok with me, it's not. He was in a position of great power, and married to a very beautiful, powerful, woman in her own right. I see a lot of parallels here... women like me who make not so great partner choices and Maria Shriver have a lot in common. We are usually very loyal, very forgiving, and always end up giving up something that is very important to us when we choose men with addictive personalities. I am not saying that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a drug addict like my husband, I am saying that he likes the power that he has attained through the years, whether it be bodybuilding or acting or politics. Those fields all have to do with a narcissism that means a person whose involved in them, would have some type of addictive tendencies. I knew long ago that Arnold was a womanizer when I followed him in bodybuilding, and watched him as he worked his way into mainstream America. Most overly confident  men are...I did not say all I said most. So when he married Maria Shriver I was shocked! What was she thinking?

But hah thats what people say about me. Funny isn't it how we hold other people, people we know and people we don't to a higher standard than what we would set for ourselves...whether it be choice of mate or falling from grace. The thing people forget is that the loser addict or  the famous politician  are just people. People who make choices that affect the world around them, and ultimately their families, the people they love the most.

So the thing that does get me is that the people who will suffer the most in this tabloid news, facebook, twitter, media to go, day and age are the children of these relationships. Maria and Arnold's children will feel betrayed and torn, hate and hurt and confused. All valid feelings. To know that you have a half sibling someone who has the same blood running through them as you do, and that is one of the reasons your family is broken is to say the least, overwhelming. Yet these children will endure this under the media glare of the microscope that is our sick obsession with the celebrity life. The "love" child by far will have the most to deal with, not having been raised in the limelight, living by most accounts a "normal" life. Imagine what this will do to him. I often wonder if as adults they feel responsible for the demise of the family whose life they changed, even though clearly they are not the responsible party at all!

When two adults make a choice to betray their families by having an affair its one thing, but when a child comes from that situation it becomes something altogether.

I feel for everyone involved but I know that a person like Maria Shriver will carry herself with poise and grace. I hope that the people involved will be able to move forward from this. After all life will go on.

Men have been betraying women, and vice versa since the dawn of time when that cave person discovered fire he or she was the sought after mate. Once the potential mate got what they needed they moved on and so fire has been handed down from generation to generation. Moral of the story? Don't play with fire kids you will get burned. So for all of the advances in the world people remain the same at their core. Life is full of choices, but ultimately you need to ask yourself can I live with the choices I made today? Sometimes the lure of the fire is just very inviting. 

TRUST ME, IF I WAS A POLE DANCER MY KIDS WOULD STARVE!

On a quick trip to the mall today my daughters and I were on our way out and passed one of those kiosks, the kind that sell those ceramic hair straighteners, body jewelery and catchy catch phrase t-shirts. Well it was one of those t-shirts that's totally adding fuel to my firing blog tonight. Its a curvaceous image of a woman with long flowing hair, dancing.....dancing on a pole. It said, "I Support Single Moms". So WOW that seems to be the consensus of a nation. If not that one, then certainly that we single moms are raising "future strippers and future criminals and outcasts" as one Ann Coulter would have you believe anyway. She parlayed her right wing views into a much overemphasized 15 minutes of fame last year with her "beliefs". So how does it make me, a single mom feel when I read this kinda of crap or hear it? Yep it irritates me because I think I am doing one of the, if not the hardest job in the world....solo.

Let me tell you if I was out there stripping my kids would starve... so it is just better that I drive a bus and hope that my writing takes off one day in the real world and not just in my dreams.

It is those dreams that a lot of single moms give up, making hard thought sacrifices for the kids they love. In my grandparent's generation single moms were usually due to husbands who died in a war leaving behind widows, these women were treated with honor as they should have been. It does not mean that the path ahead of them was smooth.  According to the census which classifies single moms in "The Other Household Families" one era in particular spawned one social impact which created a big increase in the number of single mother households. It was in the 60's and 70's divorce was the big taboo that no one dared even talk about. Single mothers of that era were portrayed as divorcees, incapable of making their man happy at home or too busy finding the feminist side of themselves to worry about the fact that their family was falling apart. They wanted to be the Ms. not the Mrs. Popular culture has a way of taking what is going on in the world and blaming it on the destruction of the nuclear family. Whether what is going on is for the good or the bad. In the 80's and 90's media had us believing that women were so caught up in their careers and shattering those glass ceilings that only men were traditionally supposed to do, that they forgot that their clocks were ticking and chose to go the route of single parenting. As the movie "Baby Boom" which I loved by the way, would have you believe that being a single corporate climbing mom is comical and in the end your kids who are your inspiration make anything possible, even a happy ending.

In my era, media would have you believe single moms are single handedly contributing to the downfall of society as we once knew it. I have to sigh and roll my eyes at this point because it has taken me a long time to get to this stage in my life. You know the one. Where you really do not care what anyone thinks of you. Well that is where I am. But that shirt pissed me off and the comments that were made by Ann Coulter pissed me off. I don't know what her mom status is but who the heck is she to talk crap about moms like me? I am a woman who for any number of reasons is a single mom not by choice. Because I would so love to have a partner that would be solid and stable and be everything that I needed in mine and my kids life. My girl's dad is an addict and is not the best person for himself right now let alone us. I have never had another serious relationship with anyone else because I had girl's and did not want a strange man around them when they were younger. I wasn't consumed by needing a man in my life. I always assumed I could do it alone. The mountains that are placed in front of me are challenges and I always find a way to be resourceful, climb over it, go around. Or just doze my way through it. A lot of people think I am this strong, ballsy, kinda outta her mind gal that never breaks.  I do secretly break in my quiet alone times and have a good cry. I do feel pressure as a single mom to do for my kids. I feel guilty when I do for myself. Heck I broke down and bought new underwear this week four bras and 6 pretty underwear, I felt bad till I looked at my sparse worn collection of undies and the two bras that had broken under wires. I spent a whole 23 dollars on this stuff at a discount store and let me tell you it took a few days for the guilt to wear off. How crazy is that? So yes we single moms do without or sacrifice or push ourselves that much harder to be successful, because we want our children to make better choices and have better lives.

I know a lot of single moms and everyone of them has done the best that they could and not one of them is a pole dancer!  So there! So what if any of them were, how skewed is the view that a single mom who works and pays taxes and is not a burden on the welfare system is something to joke about? I think in the past it was not the norm and women were made to feel that they needed to have it all, and a man too, that a myth was born. That we do not want a "normal" family. If normal is a man that lies, or drinks or has some other addiction, or beats us up, or cheats on us, or grows tired of being with us, or only marries us because we are pregnant, or wants us to be a subservient good wife, or maybe we just grow apart, then I do not want normal. I like who I am and maybe in the future there will be time for me, but for now my focus is on my daughters and my grandson, yes I have a teen mom  for a daughter but that is another blog. She is also a single mom and you know what I have told her..... no man will ever complete you until you complete yourself, go to college get an education, be more than the sum of someones beliefs about you. Because really all that matters at the end of the day when you are putting your baby to sleep is that you know you are doing the best you can for him. So she lives with me, helps me pay the rent and she is going to start community college in the January. My kids are smart, well mannered, not into drugs and they do not get into trouble, they are all unique and wonderful people who have a lot to offer this world. My oldest wants to get her degree in Psychology, my youngest wants to be the first woman player in the NFL, and my middle has not quite decided but wants to have a happy life full of adventure.

I think that shows the world that I am not half bad at doing this singlemomming thing. "Baby Boom" did get that part right, for all the drivel that is written or said about us single moms creating an era of fatherless children, we are at our best as single moms when our kids are our inspiration. I know I would not be where I am right now without them, they keep me wanting more, they keep me in tears and in laughter, and prolonged periods of bliss and joy on the days they aren't making me want to run away and join the circus, that is. They are the reason I write, heck they are the reason that I breathe, and they are my inspiration and my happy ending.

Not Ur Typical Gma
Who Cares Where You Come From, Its Where You Are Going That Matters!



Krisann Gonzales is a single mom who drives a bus by day, and has a secret identity as blogger Not Ur Typical Gma who blogs about how she lives her REAL life and  how others perceive it in her blog "True Confessions Of A Welfare Mother" at noturtypicalgma.blogspot.com/
this post was posted on PIC Blogs via Diary of a Single Mom unfortunately it got lost in their shuffle at Christmas time and  it did not get posted when it was supposed to . They were supposed to repost it but flaked out I guess, and I think my blog was pretty damned good compared to the others yeah really good so what I am full of myself  the new moon is in my house I have every right to be according to my horoscope, so I am finally posting it on my site, this is what they had asked me to write about... hope you like it.

I AM AN AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING, AREN'T MOST WOMEN?

My boss made a remark to me the other day, and I have been pondering it quite a bit. He (jokingly?) called me an "authority on everything". That comment was like a burr stuck on my sock, just rubbing me the wrong way! I later that day asked him how he knew that I was just that? He said because I let everyone know everyday. Now at this point I could have made a seriously rude comment to him that could have crossed the insubordination line but I chose to smile and say, "I am so glad that someone around here is finally acknowledging that I am an authority on everything!" I walked off with a smile on my face and some pep in my step. He guffawed and his assistant manager giggled. I really meant it when I said that to him, just as I am sure he meant it when he made that comment to me. Later that day I told my kids what he had said and I told them my quick thinking retort. They thought he was a dick. I told a dear longtime friend and she said some men in positions of power are usually threatened by a confident woman. Yah I know this.  I have been sitting on this all weekend. Do I come off as a know it all? Its kind of an odd thought I suppose but I am a very confident somewhat articulate woman. I was not always this way.

It developed out of my need to survive. I survived being a middle child, not being good enough in my fathers eyes because after all I was not the son he wanted, he told me this in an intense argument we had when I was sixteen. I have survived the ridicule of bullies as a young blossoming woman. I survived the terrible preteen and teen years when I thought I was not pretty enough or popular enought to fit in. I survived highschool. I survived my first heartbreak. I survived getting fired from one of my first jobs. I survived getting pregnant out of wedlock. I survived my loves drug addiction and infidelities and subsequently I survived the domestic violence cycle that I became addicted to. I survived going to jail when I stabbed my love in one of our domestic incidents. I survived when I had to admit that I was responsible for my own part in the life I had lived to that point. I survived my mothers illness with Alzheimers and her death during this time. I survived being away from my three lovelies when I fought to get reunified with them. I survived getting them back. I survived being homeless and hungry. I survived my oldest lovelie's teen years, and I survived when she told me that she was pregnant. I survived when I quit jobs with no others lined up. I survived giving my fathers eulogy after he refused to see me before his death. I have survived all of the let downs and disappointments and upsets that I have caused or been a part of in my life. I am still a work in progress and as I like to say I am scaling the Great Wall of Motherhood and Gammahood and Womanhood. I am who I am.

My friends think I am this "strong" woman... its so ironic that they don't see me in my quiet alone times. Times when some memory will flash and make me feel less then, and alone and forgotten and unimportant in the scheme of things. I survive those times too.

Do all of these things make me an "authority". Yes, they do. I am an authority on my life and the things I have been through that have brought me to this place of enlightenment and self awareness that maybe others do not or ever will, achieve. How sad for those that can never look at all of the failings they have had and realize that there is a reason they are where they are. Choice, what a great word. We can choose to sit in our heap of misery or we can choose to be an "authority". I like the wisdom I have accumulated in my life so far.
 I cannot wait to get some more!

"religion" and "politics" versus "real life" and the "A" word...

Do you notice how in these election times the issue of the day becomes abortion? There I said it the dreaded "A" word. It is the hot button topic on a good portion of todays candidates agendas, especially here in California. This is when religious groups also promote their beliefs the most, during election time. So much for keeping church and state seperate. It is even the topic of the day in my little central California town. Our local newspaper has run articles for the second or third year about teenage pregnancy. This year they added a story about the fact that a young woman interviewed for the article under conditions of anonymity talk about her abortion experience. Then in todays paper there was an article about a teen who came forward in the public eye and talked about her abortion, and how at the time she thought it was the best decision for her, but now with renewed faith she talks about being pro-life and even shared her story at a faith based rally against abortion. I am glad she came forward about her situation but I do not feel that she has the right to put her beliefs on me or my daughters. Say what ever you want I am all for free speech! I do it all the time! I just feel that by saying that she felt overwhelmingly depressed over her choices and that through faith she was set free, is a dangerous prescription for the next young girl in her situation. Why? Faith is not the cure all for everything that ails you. I also feel counseling is important in working through any choices that one makes, like deciding to have an abortion. Faith has saved me many times but until and unless I addressed the deeper issues that caused my actions faith was not going to heal me alone. I find that it is not only my walk with God but my choices that shape the outcome of my future. That is quite obvious one would think. Is God going to cast me out of the opportunity of eternal life because of my sins? That is not the God I know. Because if that were the case I suppose I would burn in hell for my multitude of transgressions.

One of them being to choose the alternative to having a fourth child. I chose instead to have an abortion. I do not say "alternative" as cold and callously as you read it. It was a choice I agonized over, one that still haunts me today. I will say that I made the choice that was and has been right for me. I was a single mom with three young daughters I was barely able to take care of. In my moment of weakness with my childrens father who was still in his addiction it was not what was on my mind. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my body, and it is a scary thought that some legislator usually a male can tell me what is right for me. I find it hypocritical that people complain about welfare recipients having babies but when we choose to have an abortion we are even worse, because we have done so on their taxes. Maybe they feel they have dirtied their hands with my dirty little secret. I think choice should exist and so should sex education. I was not some teenager at the time. I knew the consequences of my behavior I just made a foolish decision. When I found out I was pregnant I was furious at myself and my love. More so with myself. Because I had to live emotionally  and physically with whatever choice I did make. Not that it had not affected my love, it did and he was wracked with guilt too.

I remember that day like it was yesterday and I remember feeling overwhelmed and questioning myself, was this the right thing for me to do? I remember the tears streaming down my face as my love touched my hand as he drove me to the clinic. I remember the dimmly lit waiting area that seemed serene and tranquil with couches and green plants. I remember seeing the fear on the face of a young woman who was under 16 and her boyfriend sitting on the waiting room couch just as scared. I also remember the well coiffed and manicured mother of a beautiful teen girl, and her sister sitting with her. I remember the mother saying, "this is what will be best for you, you have your whole life ahead of you." Then there I was another nameless woman who like everyone else would not look into the face or eyes of one another. I thought about my daughters at home and I thought of how much we had all been through.When they called my name and I went alone to the back area I felt the door close and I turned to glance at my love whose face was sad. The nurse was matter of fact and went about telling me to change into the gown methodically and in a droning monotone, because this was all routine to her. I remember the anonymous voices of the other women in the dressing rooms as they changed into dressing gowns. I remember one woman saying, "I had to take a half day off of work and I am supposed to be back to work tommorrow or I am gonna loose my job."  She said she was a waitress and really needed her job. Another said "My ole man gets out in a week and if he found out I was pregnant he would beat the shit out of me." I do not agree with women who use abortion as a method of birth control. Contraceptives are readily available and free at Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood for my procedure.. I was working full time at a job as a floral designer that did not have benefits and going to college. I qualified for medi-cal but if I did not I still would have went through with the procedure. My boss at the time who did not believe in abortion knew my situation and she did not judge me or shun me. The procedure for me was different because I was under 10 weeks pregnant. I ingested some pills and had a suppository inserted that opened up my cervix. I was sent home and I slept and cried and had what amounted to cramps. I hated my love, who for all of his sorrow that he felt, could  never fully  know my heartache. That was what seems like a lifetime ago, but it has not left me. The thoughts of what if and I wonder what... still exist today. I also know that being in my 30s at the time was far different than being 16, and alone and scared.

I am not here to make a stand on abortion or a stand against it. I am here to make a stand on the fact that I as a woman face many more issues regarding my body than a body of legislators who will be predominately male. One candidate even vows no abortions not even for victims of rape or incest. That is one candidate who will never be able to fathom what it is like to be a woman. He is a man. Why arent candidates talking about how to prevent teen pregnancies? Hmm. I feel on that day I did choose life! I chose the lives of my 3 daughters, that they have a better life, that I have the opportunity to give them more. We still struggle today we are finally getting above the water almost 9 years later, but we love eachother and want to see eachother succeed. That is what I want for my eighteen year old daughter, success, she is also the teen mom of my beautiful grandson. There is no perfection in my life. Things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Do I fear repurcussions of telling my story? No, I fear living in a country that would not allow choice for a rape or incest survivor.  I fear that some young woman go to some drastic measure to hide her pregnancy in a dumpster.  I fear some woman somewhere feeling that she will not be allowed into Heaven because of a choice she made. Is God going to forgive me? He already has. My God is a forgiving God, he knows me,  he created me.