LOVING AN ADDICT AND THE GOD FACTOR...

These last few weeks have been a trying time for me. I miss my Love like there is no tomorrow. If you follow my blog you know that he is in rehab, and has been away from us for more than two years. When he does return home in five months or so we will have spent more time apart than we ever have together. I know that seems crazy to a lot of people. It sounds crazy to me too. Why would I put up with the life of loving an addict for twenty plus years? I don't have the answer other than that I have waited and been through all of the hard times to learn what real love is. My Love and I are at a point in our lives where we are on the same page. As I write this it is a strange thing to see that, to verbalize, to acknowledge and appreciate.
I am used to being the bold, independent, self sufficient single momma who never had to answer to a man. That has changed for me, in a good and positive way. My Love has always been in our lives through jail and prison and now rehab, my kids and I, but he has never been fully "present". Of course him being incarcerated had a lot to do with that, and that probably seems strange to a lot of people. He has been the passive parent standing to the side because his choices prevented him from being an active participant in his children's lives.

When I found out he would be gone for yet another 2 years I broke down and cried, but now looking back on it I am glad his probation officer didn't let him come home, instead putting him in a rehab facility a few counties away from us. This was so he would not try to leave and come home, something he did anyway once and then it hit him that he was preventing his own happiness. In the beginning he called me and said they are trying to shove religion down my throat..I don't want that I don't need a relationship with God like they want me to have. I told him in those early phone calls to just do whatever he had to do to come home.

I believed, I was a reborn Christian. I was raised Catholic but never practiced as an adult. Instead after going through our domestic violence incident and staying at the local mission for a brief time I was urged by a woman who was also staying at the mission to go to a church near the mission one Sunday. I went and I listened to the sermon, at the end of the sermon they asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to God and to have a personal relationship with him. The way the Pastor spoke was as if he was speaking to me and raising my hand that day changed my heart from one that was hurting to one that would be filled with hope. I was later baptized and when my children came home two of them also became baptized and we faithfully went to church on Wednesday and Sundays for 5 years. At this time their father, my love was in his addiction deep and every time we went to church we prayed for his sobriety and his heart to be changed. He saw how going to church changed me, how happy I had become. He tried to be in our life but I held fast that he would not be in our lives as long as he was using and doing drugs for a long time and then I allowed him to come home after a stint in rehab where he said he changed. When he did live with us I stopped going to church and blamed having a new job and working overtime as the reasons I stopped going to church. My life spiraled and I lost places to live several times because I allowed my Love to make promises to me I knew he would not keep. He again went to jail and prison and I continued making bad choices. Moving a total of 5 times in the next 4 years.

I decided to shut him out, I deserved to be happy, I even went to church occasionally, but not as often as I wanted to. It was during this time that he showed up on my door to visit our kids, in the daytime.. he paid no attention to me. Which was odd because every other time he would say he was coming over to see the kids he would show up late after they went to bed, ashamed for them to see him sucked up and coming down from his meth high. His attention was on his daughters this time and he came and said "I know they( the police) will be looking for me Kris, I am so tired of this life...I don't want to live like this anymore. I love you and my daughters but I don't know how to stop. I want to stop but I don't know how to. I know I have lost you and them." I told him that he hadn't lost us but that we could not live like this, that he needed to get help and that it wasn't something he needed to do for us, but for himself. He needed to love himself so he could fully love us. The next morning after sleeping on my couch he was arrested. That was almost 3 years ago. 1 year of it was spent in jail and then in a rehab in Fresno, that I hated because it had not helped him before, and didn't this time either. He ended up leaving and getting a violation, more jail time, he had done well but was still kidding himself that he could make it out here. I am so glad he violated and that his probation officer put him in the program he is currently in. It is called Teen Challenge and it has saved him from himself and made him a different person entirely. He has been there for one year. Every day after he leaves will be a day of hard work and making the right choices, but now he has a renewed faith and that faith will help us both.

When I speak to him now and spend time with him he is a completely different person. He has grown into the man I always knew was there. He has helped me to parent our children in ways that he never has before and it has been hard to listen to him give me direction because I have been doing it all alone for so long. I got mad the first time he gave me some parenting advice. I was actually upset with him for having the nerve to try to be a parent. Then I realized, wow this is what I had been praying for all this time! A partner who was willing to shoulder the responsibility. How do I know he has changed? It is a gut feeling, just as I knew when he was high on crank or drunk or smoking weed I know now that he has the God factor working in his life. People who find themselves in certain situations...Get God. Everyone in prison says they are saved, of course they are only saved to the extent that it allows them to get out and mess up again. That's not to say that some are truly changed. I had heard this before from my Love when he was in Prison. No this time its different, he had a conversation with me recently and he told me, "Pray Kris!" I answered back, " I do, I do all the time." he then asked, "Do you really pray Kris, or do you just ask for God to get you out of a situation? I am talking about taking time daily to meditate on the Bible and prayer." I was floored. Yes many of my prayers consisted of "Lord just get me out of this situation and I will go to church." Of course the Lord had nothing to do with many of my situations, because they were purely out of my inability to be responsible.
It was during this conversation that he told me to go back to church and I promised him we would. I thought how we might visit another church in the area, but for some reason I decided to go back to the church I had first stepped foot in over 10 years ago.

Last weekend was our first weekend there, there were seven of us, me and my daughters and a nephew and my grandson and my daughters boyfriend. It was nice and we left with a good feeling. This last Sunday we were anxious to go as we were having a special speaker for Fathers Day. All week I had told my Love when I heard from him. This speaker Darwin Benjamin, was like my Love, a former addict. I knew what he had to say would resonate with me so I eagerly anticipated the day wishing my Love could be with us to hear his story. He and his wife's testimony spoke directly to me and my family and rang true in many parallels to my own life with my Love. After church which had run longer than usual my love called and I told him how powerful the speaker was and what his name was and he said, "Wait a minute was he a black guy?" I laughed "Yeah, why?" and my husband told me that he had just heard him this last week at a Teen Challenge Picnic in Turlock. I was amazed that my prayers were answered and that my Love was able to hear Mr. Benjamin's message. I then started to see other coincidences if you will....The church I go to is heavily affiliated with Teen Challenge as it is an Assemblies of God church. I prayed every time I went faithfully to have my husband restored and saved. Darwin Benjamin is also associated with Teen Challenge and my church. The simple fact that my husband has developed a relationship with Christ at this facility is in itself a blessing. Everything is coming full circle from the very first day I walked into that church till now. Even after my absence for a long time God continued to work behind the scenes for me daily even when I thought he had abandoned me. That is the God factor at work. I fully believe that everything we do in life is linked to an event that needs to happen for us to find our higher power. Whether you believe or not is not the question because I believe for you. I know what God has done in my life and will continue to do. All that I or my Love had to do was surrender.

 

I messaged Darwin Benjamin's Truth Ministries on Facebook. I told him about the fact that he spoke at the event my husband was at and the parallels in our stories this is the reply Truth Ministries

• Omg - amazing i sure will pray for you guys and always keep the faith especially if we dont get what we want and how we want - we just need to say like Mary oh well let thy will be done Lord cause the Father knows best - i trust you Lord! Read Isiah 44:22 - 2 Cor 5:19-20 It's all there add 1John 1:9
  
  

  I am not here to tell you what you need to do with your spirituality. I am only here to tell you how my life has taken so many twists and turns and yet it has come full circle to where I first found comfort in believing as an adult. Too many coincidences to be just that. We are all works in progress and the truth is there is a lot of work to be done in both mine and my husbands lives but if me sharing this with you helps you through times of doubt and encourages hope in you then it has all been worth it.

Parable of the Proud Daughter: Supporting your Childs Decisions Even If Its Hard!

Sometimes as a parent it is hard to sit and watch you child's life unfold. The times when things are going well and they are successful make you proud of course and are a joy to watch. Those are automatic feelings that happen when pride swells your chest and you say "That's my kid!" to anyone who will listen. I have 3 wonderful daughters and sometimes I feel they only hear the negative things that I say. I know that's all I heard from my Dad. It took a long time to become a "better" parent, more mindful of things I say, even today I ranted and said "stupid" a few times. I am frustrated with "stuff" and I have a lot on my mind. I have been slipping in the praise department, and I know it.

I have my oldest daughter on my mind today as I request friends on Facebook to pray for her to make some hard decisions, that in part have come about because of someone else's irresponsibility's. Some were her own choices, but in the end most of the situation came from something that was not in her control. I selfishly want her to come home and live in my little house again. She has in the past and we have butted heads a lot! I think this time its different, no boyfriend drama is involved, shes an adult now and her son is going to be 4 this year. I think she knows she has to make some choices in his best interest. As much as I want them here so she can get on her feet, I know that is how much she wants to stand alone and be a grown up.

The fact is she is still my Baby, my first baby at that, and I have watched her successes and choices that have led her to a point she is at now happen. I wont call them mistakes or failures, because my grandson is not that. Getting pregnant with him at fifteen changed the way her life would go. I want her to believe that she can still attain her dreams, she has always wanted to work in the criminal justice system with at risk youth, kids like her. She has no high school diploma and tends to want everything to happen NOW! If she studies she will finish her math GED, she is a whiz at English, but math is  for her as it is for me, hard. Her time on welfare is running out, and though she is currently going to beauty school, she may have to take a leave or quit. Especially if she moves home with me. I keep telling her that she CAN finish her GED that she CAN go to college, that she CAN even join the armed services, or continue her education at a school like Fresno State. She is having a hard time believing that I think. Believing in herself. I will never stop believing in her ever, because she is MY kid, made up of the same indomitable DNA that I am. I never let anyone or anything hold me back, yet like her I am my own worst enemy when I fear failure! Sometimes letting my PRIDE get in my way and cloud my judgement. She is too big for this small town life and I know she wants to see more of the world, and I know that will one day take her away from me. For now though I want her home in our crazy little house, safe and sound like the "Prodigal Son". I told her last night that she needed to pray about her decision, and that I would be here for both she and my grandson, and I will be, whatever she decides, sometimes you need to let them fly, let them find themselves...even if it breaks your heart.
I spent a sleepless night and cried a lot. We never stop being Mama's even when they have babies of their own. Love you my Proud Daughter.

How Alzheimer's Robbed Me Of An Adult Relationship With My Mother

I don't really like writing about my Mother, Ruby....not for the reasons you might think. Lately I have been thinking of her a lot, more than usual. I wonder if she were alive today how different my life would be. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1992 the same year that my daughter Destinee was born, the decline of my mother was quite rapid spanning a 10 year period. In that ten year period she went from a shy but active woman in her late fifties who worked outside of the home and cooked, cleaned, who had always taken great care of her family, to someone who could no longer do her normal every day job duties that she had done for 25 years. I noticed about a year prior to her diagnosis that she seemed to be more down then usual, becoming less interested in things that she used to love. Cooking, she either never cooked anymore or practically set the house on fire because she had forgotten a pan of beans on the stove. Decorating for the holidays, she decorated for every single holiday especially Christmas, but the Christmas before my daughter was born she just didn't even care, no stockings, no creche, no decorated table ornaments. She stopped crocheting and sewing too, things she did beautifully. I had told my oldest sister that something was wrong with her in June of 1991 by November, my Aunt who worked with her also noticed she was confused by the things she had done hundreds of times everyday this led her to quit her job of 25 plus years. My sister and Father saw for themselves as I had moved out of state. I was only gone for 3 months and when I came back she was being seen by the Alzheimer's Institute in Fresno California, before my daughter was born in May of 1992. My Father Robert, my sister Loretta, and my brother Kenneth and I sat down at a big long table with doctors from the Institute who said she had Alzheimer's, early onset to be exact. They also told us that there was no cure and really only a handful of medicines they could give her. They told us also that the type of Alzheimer's she had meant my sister or I had a fifty fifty chance of getting it too. This news devastated our family and from that day on I tried to learn as much as I could about it, this was pre-internet, and Alzheimer's research was barely beginning to be relevant.

There were times I would care for her so my Dad could go to the races or get some errands done, and I would go to his house with my young daughter and make sure she would have lunch or dinner and would be ok. Sort of like babysitting, babysitting my own Mother. She would try to leave and walk out the door and yelled, "Robert! Robert! Robert!" in a constant succession and when she could not find him she would go into a cussing tirade that consisted of rapidly repeating "Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit!" looking back at that is quite comical, especially if you knew my Mother. A demure, petite, gentle woman who hated foul language of any kind! I would try to calm her or distract her. Often she would repeat the same story of her brother, Manuel and how he had went to World War II and how once he came home to visit and she could see him walking from a distance as he kicked up dust she knew it was him through the dust clouds because of the shiny epaulets on his shoulders and she ran to greet him. Other times she would get mad at me and tell  me to "Shut Up" she had even pushed me a few times. The conversation or the battle would inevitably come to an end and her sundowning would stop and she would go to her room and I would tuck her in but she refused to take her tennis shoes off, for fear my Dad would come home and she would not be able to leave with him again. My oldest daughter was only 4 at the time and she would peek into my parents room and watch me put  Grandma to bed. One day she asked me "Mommy why does Grandma Ruby go to sleep with her tennis shoes on?" I looked at her and told her "Because when Papa Robert gets home she will be ready to go."

When my daughter started going to daycare so did my Mother, she went to respite care during the day so that my father could have a break and take care of things he needed to do. He cared for her most of the time, refusing to put her in a nursing home. I would pop in at the Cay Dare as my daughter Destinee used to say and visit. They had about 6 clients total in varying stages of Alzheimer's, some were calm and quiet, some were active, some had good days and some had bad. The respite care provided meals and activities. They all seemed to respond to music and loved when records were played, my Mother especially loved Kenny Rogers. The door to the Respite care was painted in a Trump L'oil bookcase so that clients would not try to leave the premises. This did not stop my mother from walking out and getting 3 blocks away before they found her. That was our biggest fear, that she would wander off somewhere. A year after that situation when I had my second daughter Kassidee she declined more.

Roles were reversed and when my second daughter was two she was pretty much bedridden. My father had set up a hospital bed in the living room for her. She spent most of her time there or in a wheelchair that was used to sit her up and feed her. She did not speak now, but I would look into her eyes and try to see a glimmer of the woman she once was...sometimes I would get happily surprised because she would respond as if she was still in there! She was wearing adult diapers and would get mad at me for changing her! My oldest daughter noticed she wore diapers, and I had to explain to her that Grandma Ruby could not go to the potty anymore. She shrugged and said "Oh she has accidents?" There were days after caring for my Mother that I would go either home or to work and feel like God had forsaken me. How could he let my Mother, a woman who would and never did hurt anyone get this terrible disease. How was that fair and I told him one day that I Hated Him, that I would not believe in a God who would allow my Mother to get ill like this.

I did not get to enjoy my adult life with my Mother as I should have. She did not even know my youngest daughter Makenzee at all. She would have fawned over her beautiful Granddaughters, she would have baked cookies with them, taught them how to tie their shoes or brushed and braided their hair. She would have babysat in a pinch and made them grill cheese sandwiches or told my dad to take them to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. She would have made them frilly dresses and crocheted hats or slippers for them. She would have been the proudest at their school events, dried their tears when they skinned their knees or comforted them when a someone made fun of them. She would have been their champion like she was mine. Instead my daughters either vaguely remember her or don't remember her at all and that is the cruelest thing this disease does. It robs not only the Alzheimer's sufferer of memory, but robs those left behind in its wake of any opportunity to have future memories, cherished memories.

I have some friends who occasionally complain about their meddling, nosey, pain in the ass Mothers and when I hear that I get so mad and most times I say to them at least you have your Mother. To which they drop their jaw and in apologetic tones tell me they are sorry....I tell them, "Don't tell me your sorry. Go hug your Mother."

What I would not give to have her here again even for one day so we could catch up on the last 10 years, so she could offer me comfort and tell me she loved me, or share a good laugh or even a good cry. My Mother was eventually put into a nursing home where she lived the rest of her days. My father visited her every day and I saw her often. She passed away on May 2, 2002, my oldest Daughter's birthday due to complications of rectal polyps that were cancerous, but her real death was years before.
I have since come to terms with God and I have forgiven him for taking my Mother from me and my daughters, clearly he needed the angel that she was more than we did here on earth. I know she is constantly watching over me and her Granddaughter's and Great Grandson and that makes me content, but it does not mean I do not miss her every single minute of every single day.

September is World Alzheimer's month. I want to urge all of you to be involved in turning Facebook purple, the signature color for Alzheimer's Awareness, coincidentally one of my Mothers favorite shades! Turn Facebook purple to support Alzheimer's Awareness on September 21st, go to this link to learn how..... http://www.alz.org/wam/wam.asp#boxHome thank you for honoring the memory of my mother, Ruby Gonzales and those affected by Alzheimer's, it touches us all.

Loving someone with an addiction....

I was not going to write anything for a while but as always something got me thinking and the wonderfulness that I feel right now is a feeling I am not used to. If you follow me or like my FB page or are even a friend of mine on FB you pretty much know my deepest darkest secrets. You know that the man I love is an addict, and that we have been on this roller coaster ride for 20, man, 20 years this year. There are those out there that like to classify me as codependent and they would be right to an extent, and they are entitled to their opinion. There are those that know how much I love my Love, and they understand it twisted as it may seem to the outside world. When people see us together when we are at our best they get it and when we are at our worst, they secretly make comments about how they knew my Love was going to mess up anyway and how dumb I must be to keep putting up with it. I did not know that the person that I was going to love would become a meth addict. I didn't fantasize when I was a little girl that I would be on welfare while he went in and out of jail and prison, or that I would raise our daughters mostly solo. I did not plan on all of the things that happened in our life to happen, but they did. I met my love and I fell for him, he was handsome and tormented, and dangerous, the proverbial bad boy. Underneath it all he was lost, he had a lot of issues, issues that he had not ever dealt with. They manifested in his addiction.

His addiction, to me, was like another woman. Oh and believe me he had those too, I could take that, for some strange reason, but his mistress meth I could not stand at all. I could not stand that she kept him coming back for more at times when he should have been focused on I and his children. The days he would stay away, the anger that would build. I left him numerous times and he would find me and beg my forgiveness or my help. When we were apart for four years after our domestic violence incident I still saw him and he found ways to call me or see me. I hesitated to let him in because I knew he was still in his addiction. This last time was different and I was different. He was tired of living the life that he was living, if I did not hear from him over a few days I worried that I might hear he was dead.

So to visit him in his program Sunday and to see the man I fell in love with was to feel such a profound wonderfulness that I cannot fully explain. He was genuinely interested in his children and his grandson. His humour and his caring and loving attitude, attributes that drew me to him in the first place were there. He was there, present in the moment.  Even my Lovelie that swore hatred for him softened under his attention. It was a beautiful reawakening of our family.

Its not without fear that I go into the future. I have no blinders on my eyes, and it is not as though I feel he has been miraculously cured of his addiction. Look at all the celebrities in the news it amazes me that these folks are kidding themselves into an early grave. My Love learned some things about himself this time around. Things he kept in a little safe place and did not want to let out because he would feel what it was like to have emotions instead of being numb to it all. He still has much work to do, and with hope and a renewed faith we work on things individually and together to make our family strong. It will be one step at a time, one day at a time. With the grace of God we will go into our future. Thank you for your love and support it means so very much to us all.