So since the lunar eclipse my lines of communication have been blurred....with family and friends and apparently I have fallen into drama that I actually want no part of of. It is inevitable that with relationships with people drama follows...words are said, things are done, and relationships become damaged. Betrayal at its worst is hard to mend when it happens between friends, let alone family. I have been caught in a vortex of other peoples drama...I have enough of my own thank you very much. I am singleparenting it, to two teen daughters and my 20 something and her son. My house is overflowing with people...my space is not my own and I am missing my Love like crazy. I would not have it any other way even in my grumblings I know that this is a great time in my life and so I have resigned myself to the craziness of it all and written it off as, normal for someone like me. Yet I have been bombarded from the outside crazies with drama and lies and more drama and wow I cannot take it. Toxic people are sucking the life out of me and I like being in bliss mode not drama overload.
Why do we allow people to treat us this way? Why do friends and family turn on eachother over misunderstandings or assumptions and why is it that it usually involves money? Why do we fail to take inventory of ourselves before we point the finger at someone else? Why is it when you make a genuine effort to help someone they manipulate the situation so they are now making you out to be the bad guy when you bailed them out of their situation? This is a general observation of mine. Have I been guilty of it? Yes I have, but then I caught myself doing what every person who manipulates the situation do..play victim. You cannot be the victim of a circumstance you alone have put yourself in. I am not talking about real victimization like abusive relationships or homocide or rape or things like that. I am talking about the victim who believes their problems exist because of everyone else and not the fact that they made the choice to not pay a bill, or tell that lie, or not go to work or betray a friend or family member. That kind of victim playing annoys the fuck out of me. Have I done it? Yes I have. Then I realized just as I cannot allow people to treat me like crap, I have to be responsible for my choices. Ok so I go without water for a few days, or my phone is off because I have a big electric bill, I get pulled over because my tags are expired. So I hustle and work my butt off, maybe friends will come to the rescue and I will have my water back on, which they did....thanks guys. Yes I have or will finish paying them this week, I have not avoided them. I will work overtime to get caught up because hey life happens, things happen and the things I cannot control like my car breaking down or getting sick are inevitable, thats life. So I control the things that I can like making sure to pay a certain bill or giving up cable until I can afford it, simple choices people.
Some people in my circle are generous and kind hearted and some are just takers....until they burn bridge after bridge and then it becomes an issue of paying back that kind hearted person with a barage of drama and insults and trying to make them miserable because they, the taker have failed to live up to their end of the deal. They are literally standing on the piece of driftwood thats left in that river of self pity they have created for themselves. They reach out to whoever will have some sympathy for them and usually its not many that are left, usually only telling their side of the story. We all know that old saying there are three sides to every story theirs, and yours, and the truth. Most people in this situation have to hit their own rock bottom and either admit they have a problem or genuinely ask for help or even apologize to people they have betrayed, but not as a way to get back in good graces. No, as a way to heal a relationship that they may have damaged if it can be repaired. If it cannot then its time to let that person go so that your sanity can be kept intact. I have had to do this recently and though it is hard its best for me and my family. We are moving forward in our lives and cannot afford to have the burden of someone elses inability to be responsible. All I can do is pray for that individual.
Genuine relationships are rare. It is true that we cannot pick our family, that is a card that is dealt to us but we can surely pic the aces in our circle of friends. Surrounding yourself with people who you aspire to be like, is usually a way to bring out the best in yourself and them. True friends find reward in knowing their is no pricetag where friendship is concerned. Someone recently told me a mutual friend of ours became friends with him and his wife because my Love and I never had money to do anything. I didn't want their money, I wanted their friendship. I don't need to be bought and I sure as hell ain't gonna buy you. If you want to come and share a meal and good conversation and laugh into the evening I can be your best friend. Just don't expect me to pay for your fucking pedicure or spend my income tax money on something for you. That was said too. The moral of the drama hurricane I have been caught up in this last week or two is that I know who my real friends are. I love them as they are, with all of their flaws and inconsistencies....just as they love the fucked up person that I am. One of them said that they like that I don't sugar coat, that they know that I will be straightforward with them and that my real friends and family will continue to love me. Lets see after I publish this how true that is.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
To leave or not to leave, When your Bliss is on the Brink of being lost....Settling
I have been noticing a trend among a majority of my female friends and I am wondering why women who are smart and vibrant and beautiful, settle....I am guilty of it too. My relationship is what I would like to think "different", but I have chosen to stay with my Love who I probably should have left 10 years ago. Unlike my friends there is a reason that my "husband" was an asshole, and it was his addiction. He is just getting to a point in his life where it is not controlling him. I don't know what the future holds for us but I want to be positive that whatever happens we will always love each other. That is the key here, my girlfriends either are not in love, or have fallen out of love, or don't know what they are supposed to feel for the significant other in their life. They don't feel appreciated by their male counterparts...yet they choose to stay with them because they are afforded having a sense of financial stability. Not to mention that the sex is either nonexistent or matter of fact "wham bam thank you ma'am"....how sad to live that way.
No, sex is not what a relationship is based on but if you think about it looking back at the one you fell for was it the size of his earning potential or the butterflies in your stomach that had you falling down when he walked in the room? Ideally it would be great to have both, but realistically I think women choose one or the other. I have told my daughters to never depend on a man to support them. I actually like a quote by famed Diarist and lover to many literary men, Anais Nin, “How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, ... Some never awaken.” As women we look for something to complete us as if we were incomplete all alone, when the fact is we are what men need to reproduce....Don't get me wrong I love my children and had my Love been a provider financially I probably would have had 10. If I did not have any I don't think I would have felt I was missing something.... I would have learned to like the me I had become. Lets face it, as women we loose a great deal of me time when we have a family or a demanding husband. That is why you see so many women divorcing as their kids grow and leave the nest because they then have this freedom they never thought they would have. They want to live the life they did not get to as a mother and wife.
When we are young we have this idealistic/unrealistic vision of what marriage and a relationship should be.We formulate this by what we see and live as children. If your parents had a warm and loving relationship chances are you will too, maybe you will even wait till later in life to find that compatible person. If you saw your parents in what you now know to be an unhealthy relationship, chances are you will follow that suit or avoid it altogether. Whatever the reason we end up in unhappy marriages inevitably we need to be happy with who we are first, no one will complete us or make us who we should become, we can only do that on our own.
If you expect your mate to change after 20 years of feeling unappreciated, you will have better luck winning the lottery. But on the other hand if your mate is willing to look at what got you here and work on it together then maybe there is hope. Listen up men when your women are telling you what they want, chances are they have said it a thousand times but you only filtered out the part where they are telling you to take out the trash and even then not doing what they ask, not the part where they are telling you they want more foreplay.
I am not an expert at relationships, quite the contrary but I do know how to communicate well with my Love. I think that is what makes it different for us we actually talk to and listen to each other. We share our hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities, and we talk frankly and openly about sex and what we need from the other. Look if you cannot talk about sex then you probably should not be having it.......just sayin' come to think of it you probably aren't. It takes two to make a relationship thrive and it also takes two to grow the weed of discontent, one partner plants it, the other neglects it. Maybe that's why so many women go after the gardener....the other man who will tell them what they want to hear, woo them in all the right ways and make them feel the best they ever have....until the weed creeps back in because as women we really need to love ourselves and nurture ourselves first, we are in fact the Master Gardeners of our lives.
Life is too short to live in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, bliss is attainable either in or out of the relationship but the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU really want.
No, sex is not what a relationship is based on but if you think about it looking back at the one you fell for was it the size of his earning potential or the butterflies in your stomach that had you falling down when he walked in the room? Ideally it would be great to have both, but realistically I think women choose one or the other. I have told my daughters to never depend on a man to support them. I actually like a quote by famed Diarist and lover to many literary men, Anais Nin, “How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, ... Some never awaken.” As women we look for something to complete us as if we were incomplete all alone, when the fact is we are what men need to reproduce....Don't get me wrong I love my children and had my Love been a provider financially I probably would have had 10. If I did not have any I don't think I would have felt I was missing something.... I would have learned to like the me I had become. Lets face it, as women we loose a great deal of me time when we have a family or a demanding husband. That is why you see so many women divorcing as their kids grow and leave the nest because they then have this freedom they never thought they would have. They want to live the life they did not get to as a mother and wife.
When we are young we have this idealistic/unrealistic vision of what marriage and a relationship should be.We formulate this by what we see and live as children. If your parents had a warm and loving relationship chances are you will too, maybe you will even wait till later in life to find that compatible person. If you saw your parents in what you now know to be an unhealthy relationship, chances are you will follow that suit or avoid it altogether. Whatever the reason we end up in unhappy marriages inevitably we need to be happy with who we are first, no one will complete us or make us who we should become, we can only do that on our own.
If you expect your mate to change after 20 years of feeling unappreciated, you will have better luck winning the lottery. But on the other hand if your mate is willing to look at what got you here and work on it together then maybe there is hope. Listen up men when your women are telling you what they want, chances are they have said it a thousand times but you only filtered out the part where they are telling you to take out the trash and even then not doing what they ask, not the part where they are telling you they want more foreplay.
I am not an expert at relationships, quite the contrary but I do know how to communicate well with my Love. I think that is what makes it different for us we actually talk to and listen to each other. We share our hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities, and we talk frankly and openly about sex and what we need from the other. Look if you cannot talk about sex then you probably should not be having it.......just sayin' come to think of it you probably aren't. It takes two to make a relationship thrive and it also takes two to grow the weed of discontent, one partner plants it, the other neglects it. Maybe that's why so many women go after the gardener....the other man who will tell them what they want to hear, woo them in all the right ways and make them feel the best they ever have....until the weed creeps back in because as women we really need to love ourselves and nurture ourselves first, we are in fact the Master Gardeners of our lives.
Life is too short to live in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, bliss is attainable either in or out of the relationship but the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU really want.
Friday, February 11, 2011
"TIPS FOR EVERY GUY OF EVERY AGE TO SURVIVE VALENTINES DAY FROM A FORMER FLORIST"
As someone who had worked in the floral industry for oh at least 6 years I am soo glad that I am not feeling the pressure of Valentines Day. I miss the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but the one thing I do not miss is the drama of Valentines Day! So listen up guys of all ages here are my thoughts as a woman and a florist on giving Valentines.
Guys are the main customers on this day and let me tell you, some of them wait up until the last minute when the shop is about to close. They'd come in begging us for some sort of arrangement that would redeem them from the silent treatment or a fate worse yet getting shut down from sex completely for some terribly long time that to them would be an eternity. So this blog is directed at you men who seem to be idiots when it comes to things like birthdays, anniverseries and the grandest of them all Valentines Day!
It is already friday the 11th and you, by industry standards are running late on your order if you have not yet placed one, I personally would reccommend Floral Fantasy in Madera and Frankos in Full Bloom in the Fresno area, because they do not compromise and because they both hired me! Floral Fantasy also has some candy usually and lots of other cute gift ideas. They offer some of the better quality higher end flower arrangements that will be sure to please the one you love. You can go in and get an arrangement right out of the cold box, but let me warn you that you will be paying quite a bit for any arrangement. Valentines Day is the floral industries most marketable holiday.....everyone wants a Valentine. For those women that say they don't. They are EFFFING LYING!
Thats right they are LYING, they have probably been burned by some dumbass in their life somewhere along the line, but don't let them fool you. They would be as happy as a pig in shiz to get an arrangement at their job like anyone else. But of course Mon Cheri this means they are tres aime, ('very loved' for you numbskulls). Who does not want to show how much they are loved to the world.
Roses come in a wide array of colors now, everything from deepest burgundy red/almost black to lavender to beautiful serene lime green. These are ordered by men who usually know what they are doing and know their Valentine very well. As far as the general rose colors for Valentines day remember these tips as far as color.
Ok so here are some key things to remember
Red roses signify true love
Pink young love or early stage of the relationship
Yellow are for friendship
White is pure love
Roses are sold in the following ways;
tube rose is a rose in cello with a vial and a smallbow no greenery
wrapped roses, with greenery and filler like baby's breath usually in cello and a tissue liner and a nice bow
all vases have greenery and filler flower unless you prefer greenery only and are sold in the following ways;
bud vases either single, double or triple
half dozen
dozen
two and three dozen
I would not go over three dozen roses in one vase as it is very heavy and awkward to carry 2 dozen roses are best. Some will get the number of years they have been together or add a single special rose or other special flower to signify something that only they and their valentine will understand.
Roses are traditionally filled with baby's breath, I prefer purple wax flower to baby's breath and greenery to kick it up a notch gold bows or twigs are sometimes added, as are butterflies or other little symbols of nature like birds or dragonflies. These would be categorized as Deluxe arrangements.
A classic look for roses that I enjoy making or getting, are roses with greenery only and maybe a twig, nothing too frou frou.
You can also get them wrapped in cellophane but you are better off ordering one in water, if for some reason a vase is not what you want when presenting it have the designer take arranged roses and wrap them in cello, so that they can be added to the vase later, but remember roses need to drink that water, the longer they are left in vials the shorter their lifespan.
As designers we long for that classic rose with a nice firm head as consumers our wants in roses are varied, some want their roses open if that is the case with your valentine, remember that by the time the heads are open the lifespan of the rose is already halfway through.
As for other flowers mixed arrangements are always pretty too, usually you can get what is called a spring mix, you can specify colors or flowers, but in general they include flowers like snap dragons, larkspur, belladonna or gladiolas mixed with daisies and carnations, lilies or gerbera daisies, roses, and and assortment of other smaller filler flowers. Higher end arrangements are more often than not arrangements that include some type of tropical flower. The orchid is the flower most often used in tropical, as are the antherium, and protea.
To keep your arrangements long lasting remember to never place in a window or in a hot area, they like cool areas. Water should be changed every other day and you can add a baby aspirin or a pinch of sugar to the water help them take up nutrients.
If your Valentine likes plants send one with a few roses tucked in with water vials, ask for a green plant with freshcuts in vials. Same goes for silk arrangements, women say oh flowers just die, so then send a nice silk arrangement with freshcuts added in for the day.
Add ons are things like candy, stuffed animals and oh yes balloons, seems the bigger the better, but stop and remember what kind of car they drive are they going to get in an accident trying to tote this stuff home? Personally my favorite add on is jewelery the kind you add yourself if you are presenting your Valentine with the arrangement personally. Most shops shy away from doing anything special with jewelery because they do not want the liability. Another popular gift seems to be lingere although I did not see much of it pass through our doors at the shop, this too can be something you give along with flowers. Other touches like gift certificates to the nail salon or spa or even Starbucks gift cards make great add ons. Personal touches like a cd burned with your songs or a picture of you together in a heart shaped frame, or maybe an origami paper heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLSQlhN5DeU you dont need a lot of money for some of these ideas. Or take my challenge and head out to Childrens Hospital and take a pic in front of the Central Cali's Biggest heart and send that pic to your love saying "this is how much I love you!"or better yet print it and put it in a frame! These are all sweet ideas!
Sweets, my favorite part of Valentines day. I remember getting Valentines Day cakes shaped like a heart from my dad all of us me, my sis, n my mom would get one almost every year, until Perlongos Bakery went out of business. If you don't want a cake or cupcakes from Nonnis in Madera then you better book it to Sees or better yet check the Madera Community Hospital gift shop they sell Sees. If you want to give some wine to your Valentine I highly reccomend Quady wineries "Electra" I have had both the red and the white and I hate wine, but these I loved!!! (thanks Pauline) They were sweet and not overpoweringly bitter, you can find it at Savemart on Howard road or at Cost Plus World Markets in Riverpark, it is a little pricey but well worth it!
Finally a word about cards and what to write on them, as a florist I often times had to find just the right words to put on my clients' card. To me the simplest things are the most memorable and always if possible in your own hand! A heart with your initial, or the word "Always" before your initial or name, or some cute quirky phrase that only your Valentine would understand. I dont want one of those big giant cards that do everything except your laundry,some women might, but to me the simpler the better. If you must write an ode to your love do it in your own hand and write her a true love letter, this is something she is sure to cherish.
However simple or grand you make the occassion, whether you are in the first date stages of your romance or have loved this Valentine of yours for 20 years or more, always remember never to forget to tell your Valentine how much you appreciate and love her the way she is. Well I hope this helps some of you guys out there! Happy Valentines Day!
Guys are the main customers on this day and let me tell you, some of them wait up until the last minute when the shop is about to close. They'd come in begging us for some sort of arrangement that would redeem them from the silent treatment or a fate worse yet getting shut down from sex completely for some terribly long time that to them would be an eternity. So this blog is directed at you men who seem to be idiots when it comes to things like birthdays, anniverseries and the grandest of them all Valentines Day!
It is already friday the 11th and you, by industry standards are running late on your order if you have not yet placed one, I personally would reccommend Floral Fantasy in Madera and Frankos in Full Bloom in the Fresno area, because they do not compromise and because they both hired me! Floral Fantasy also has some candy usually and lots of other cute gift ideas. They offer some of the better quality higher end flower arrangements that will be sure to please the one you love. You can go in and get an arrangement right out of the cold box, but let me warn you that you will be paying quite a bit for any arrangement. Valentines Day is the floral industries most marketable holiday.....everyone wants a Valentine. For those women that say they don't. They are EFFFING LYING!
Thats right they are LYING, they have probably been burned by some dumbass in their life somewhere along the line, but don't let them fool you. They would be as happy as a pig in shiz to get an arrangement at their job like anyone else. But of course Mon Cheri this means they are tres aime, ('very loved' for you numbskulls). Who does not want to show how much they are loved to the world.
Roses come in a wide array of colors now, everything from deepest burgundy red/almost black to lavender to beautiful serene lime green. These are ordered by men who usually know what they are doing and know their Valentine very well. As far as the general rose colors for Valentines day remember these tips as far as color.
Ok so here are some key things to remember
Red roses signify true love
Pink young love or early stage of the relationship
Yellow are for friendship
White is pure love
Roses are sold in the following ways;
tube rose is a rose in cello with a vial and a smallbow no greenery
wrapped roses, with greenery and filler like baby's breath usually in cello and a tissue liner and a nice bow
all vases have greenery and filler flower unless you prefer greenery only and are sold in the following ways;
bud vases either single, double or triple
half dozen
dozen
two and three dozen
I would not go over three dozen roses in one vase as it is very heavy and awkward to carry 2 dozen roses are best. Some will get the number of years they have been together or add a single special rose or other special flower to signify something that only they and their valentine will understand.
Roses are traditionally filled with baby's breath, I prefer purple wax flower to baby's breath and greenery to kick it up a notch gold bows or twigs are sometimes added, as are butterflies or other little symbols of nature like birds or dragonflies. These would be categorized as Deluxe arrangements.
A classic look for roses that I enjoy making or getting, are roses with greenery only and maybe a twig, nothing too frou frou.
You can also get them wrapped in cellophane but you are better off ordering one in water, if for some reason a vase is not what you want when presenting it have the designer take arranged roses and wrap them in cello, so that they can be added to the vase later, but remember roses need to drink that water, the longer they are left in vials the shorter their lifespan.
As designers we long for that classic rose with a nice firm head as consumers our wants in roses are varied, some want their roses open if that is the case with your valentine, remember that by the time the heads are open the lifespan of the rose is already halfway through.
As for other flowers mixed arrangements are always pretty too, usually you can get what is called a spring mix, you can specify colors or flowers, but in general they include flowers like snap dragons, larkspur, belladonna or gladiolas mixed with daisies and carnations, lilies or gerbera daisies, roses, and and assortment of other smaller filler flowers. Higher end arrangements are more often than not arrangements that include some type of tropical flower. The orchid is the flower most often used in tropical, as are the antherium, and protea.
To keep your arrangements long lasting remember to never place in a window or in a hot area, they like cool areas. Water should be changed every other day and you can add a baby aspirin or a pinch of sugar to the water help them take up nutrients.
If your Valentine likes plants send one with a few roses tucked in with water vials, ask for a green plant with freshcuts in vials. Same goes for silk arrangements, women say oh flowers just die, so then send a nice silk arrangement with freshcuts added in for the day.
Add ons are things like candy, stuffed animals and oh yes balloons, seems the bigger the better, but stop and remember what kind of car they drive are they going to get in an accident trying to tote this stuff home? Personally my favorite add on is jewelery the kind you add yourself if you are presenting your Valentine with the arrangement personally. Most shops shy away from doing anything special with jewelery because they do not want the liability. Another popular gift seems to be lingere although I did not see much of it pass through our doors at the shop, this too can be something you give along with flowers. Other touches like gift certificates to the nail salon or spa or even Starbucks gift cards make great add ons. Personal touches like a cd burned with your songs or a picture of you together in a heart shaped frame, or maybe an origami paper heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLSQlhN5DeU you dont need a lot of money for some of these ideas. Or take my challenge and head out to Childrens Hospital and take a pic in front of the Central Cali's Biggest heart and send that pic to your love saying "this is how much I love you!"or better yet print it and put it in a frame! These are all sweet ideas!
Sweets, my favorite part of Valentines day. I remember getting Valentines Day cakes shaped like a heart from my dad all of us me, my sis, n my mom would get one almost every year, until Perlongos Bakery went out of business. If you don't want a cake or cupcakes from Nonnis in Madera then you better book it to Sees or better yet check the Madera Community Hospital gift shop they sell Sees. If you want to give some wine to your Valentine I highly reccomend Quady wineries "Electra" I have had both the red and the white and I hate wine, but these I loved!!! (thanks Pauline) They were sweet and not overpoweringly bitter, you can find it at Savemart on Howard road or at Cost Plus World Markets in Riverpark, it is a little pricey but well worth it!
Finally a word about cards and what to write on them, as a florist I often times had to find just the right words to put on my clients' card. To me the simplest things are the most memorable and always if possible in your own hand! A heart with your initial, or the word "Always" before your initial or name, or some cute quirky phrase that only your Valentine would understand. I dont want one of those big giant cards that do everything except your laundry,some women might, but to me the simpler the better. If you must write an ode to your love do it in your own hand and write her a true love letter, this is something she is sure to cherish.
However simple or grand you make the occassion, whether you are in the first date stages of your romance or have loved this Valentine of yours for 20 years or more, always remember never to forget to tell your Valentine how much you appreciate and love her the way she is. Well I hope this helps some of you guys out there! Happy Valentines Day!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
You Can Lead A Teenager To Church But How Long Did They Whine Before You Got There?
I announced to my lovelies today that We would be going to church tommorrow and they all whined. Maybe it is because we are returning to our old church, the one I wanted them to be more involved in but they refused. We went every Sunday and Wednesday for almost 4 years and they always went to the adult service more often than not, and then when I started my present job we just stopped going. My kids are not very social beings, at least my two oldest aren't and I don't know if that is my fault, because I myself am not extremely outgoing. My youngest lovelie is more of a social being than any of us, I just think that she is less prone to worry about peoples judgement. A carefree type of personality who can adjust to any situation. My two oldest are protesting that they don't have anything to wear as if God himself was Ms. Jay from the show Top Model and he was going to call them out for wearing jeans and a tee. Maybe if they went to the youth group they would see every other teen in the same getup. Hmmmm......but what do I know.
The next issue with going to church for my oldest heathen, err.. I mean lovelie is that she doesn't not believe in God and so why should she have to go since she is 18. The only reason I wanted her to go was to take my grandson and to get him into the nursery there so that he can become more socialized. I would take him but really it is up to his mother how she wants to raise him, and though my hopes would be that there would be some place for spirituality in his life it isn't going to happen until she or he is ready. What gets me is for someone who does not believe in God they sure call out to him a lot when the are frustrated...... That brings me to middle lovelie who did not complain earlier too much when I told her, it was only after I refused to allow her to "strip" her hair, which much to my protests she died black a while back. Stripping the hair is not bleaching the hair Mom.....yeah it is I went to Lyles Beauty College and yes it is bleaching the hair. Another barb for me is that she goes to youth group on Wednesday nights with her boyfriend at a different church altogether. Maybe if he went to our old church she would be up and ready to dance in the aisles and praise the Lord. Do I really want to sit in church with a noncompliant sullen faced angsty teen....who would probably try to text throught the whole service! Blechhhhh!!!!!
So here I am feeling like I am forcefeeding religion on my kids and the sad part is I am. When they were younger they really had no options but to go. Now that they are older and make a lot of their own decisions do I let them stay home? Do I insist they follow my lead under false pretenses. I guess who ever is ready when I leave the house will go with me and if its only my youngest lovelie then that is how it will be.
I need this spiritual renewal. I need to be filled up so that I can pour out what is in me. I am not some Bible thumper or religious zealot. I am a normal frazzled mom of three and Glamma to 1 who finds that when I get my spiritual hunger fed I am a lot more likeable person, I like myself and I tend to make better choices plus my blood pressure goes down and decreases my wrinkle probability. So I am going to go for me without any expectation for my kids to go and then maybe just maybe one day they will follow. I am going to ask for special prayer about that in prayer circle tommorrow.
Special Footnote:
I had just finished this when my youngest came up to me and asked me, "whatcha doin?" I said, "blogging.." then she saw the title and she said, "Oh its about those two" I said, "yes those two assholes...." She confirmed my suspicions that she was going with me and we high fived...as she sat and watched me write this footnote she saw that I referred to her sissies as "assholes" and said, "Arent you going to church tommorrow?" with a giggle...well yeah I am a work in progress.
The next issue with going to church for my oldest heathen, err.. I mean lovelie is that she doesn't not believe in God and so why should she have to go since she is 18. The only reason I wanted her to go was to take my grandson and to get him into the nursery there so that he can become more socialized. I would take him but really it is up to his mother how she wants to raise him, and though my hopes would be that there would be some place for spirituality in his life it isn't going to happen until she or he is ready. What gets me is for someone who does not believe in God they sure call out to him a lot when the are frustrated...... That brings me to middle lovelie who did not complain earlier too much when I told her, it was only after I refused to allow her to "strip" her hair, which much to my protests she died black a while back. Stripping the hair is not bleaching the hair Mom.....yeah it is I went to Lyles Beauty College and yes it is bleaching the hair. Another barb for me is that she goes to youth group on Wednesday nights with her boyfriend at a different church altogether. Maybe if he went to our old church she would be up and ready to dance in the aisles and praise the Lord. Do I really want to sit in church with a noncompliant sullen faced angsty teen....who would probably try to text throught the whole service! Blechhhhh!!!!!
So here I am feeling like I am forcefeeding religion on my kids and the sad part is I am. When they were younger they really had no options but to go. Now that they are older and make a lot of their own decisions do I let them stay home? Do I insist they follow my lead under false pretenses. I guess who ever is ready when I leave the house will go with me and if its only my youngest lovelie then that is how it will be.
I need this spiritual renewal. I need to be filled up so that I can pour out what is in me. I am not some Bible thumper or religious zealot. I am a normal frazzled mom of three and Glamma to 1 who finds that when I get my spiritual hunger fed I am a lot more likeable person, I like myself and I tend to make better choices plus my blood pressure goes down and decreases my wrinkle probability. So I am going to go for me without any expectation for my kids to go and then maybe just maybe one day they will follow. I am going to ask for special prayer about that in prayer circle tommorrow.
Special Footnote:
I had just finished this when my youngest came up to me and asked me, "whatcha doin?" I said, "blogging.." then she saw the title and she said, "Oh its about those two" I said, "yes those two assholes...." She confirmed my suspicions that she was going with me and we high fived...as she sat and watched me write this footnote she saw that I referred to her sissies as "assholes" and said, "Arent you going to church tommorrow?" with a giggle...well yeah I am a work in progress.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
DELETING TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE....
I have been on this happy kick lately, and it is not due to all of the usual suspects, like sex, or money because I am broker than a joker. Its not due to new clothes or new anything, again with the no money phrase. I do not suddenly have everything I want, but yet I do. I am 44 years old and I can finally say that I have reached a stage in my life where I like who I am. Like Sally Field exclaimed as she won that Oscar "You like me you really like me!" That is what my reflection says to me when I catch a glimpse of it unexpectedly. I have trudged through my fair share of the caca in life and then some, thank goodness I was equipped with hip waders! So it was not some epiphanal moment that brought me to my most recent and only known state of bliss as a grownup. So what was it you ask? Hence the title for this post, I stopped dealing with all of the toxic people in my life. I pushed that little delete button in my head and started really rethinking the importance of certain peoples value in my life. Yes, value. I value my relationships with people, and though I am not a social butterfly, quite the opposite, I still have my close circle of loyal friends. Friends who I know would (and have) dropped everything to come and rescue me from what ever trouble I had gotten myself into. I have to admit that I am always the neediest person in my group of friends, or so it feels that way. I hate that I cannot take friends to lunch more often and it be my treat, but then again I am one of those people who have other things to offer. Usually it is advice or understanding and that can drain you more than a lunch at the IHOP.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?" "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.
Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?" "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.
Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.
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