PROTESTING GAY MARRIAGE WITH A FAST FOOD SANDWICH WTF IS NEXT?

Wow so I have been out of the loop as I have been out of the blogosphere, no internet, no television, no phone, not as a protest but because I have been broke. No I'm not protesting anything at the moment. So when I get all plugged in what do I see but news about Chick Fil-A and a protest that uses food! How obese of America, the most overweight nation in the world. Protesting gay marriage by eating fried chicken sandwiches, really? I was reading an article that said how "rebellious" it was to eat fried food anyway and now people are having "eat-ins" to protest a cause, well what the fuck have the morbidly obese Americans who partake in fast food dining daily been protesting? Protesting cooking their own food? I am in a complete state of what the fuck is wrong with people? Their are so many American kids who do not eat properly and would love a fast food meal as a treat, but hey when you are on welfare you can't be seen buying a Happy Meal with your EBT card for your kids without getting a stare or two. But shoot just tell em you are protesting gay marriage and they will gladly charge that cash aid card. This is a joke right? Since when is using food, especially fast food as a way to protest something become so popular. In recent days McDonald's and other fast food chains have jumped on the Christianity bandwagon and stood behind Dan Cathy, president, of Chick Fil-A who in a statement said he believed in traditional marriage... traditional two parent families, and that this generation has the "audacity to redefine what constitutes marriage"...Cathy did not specifically say gay marriage, but the media took it and ran with it and what really stinks is so did Cathy and his "Christian" supporters.

 Look, Cathy is entitled to his opinions, but this all stinks of hullaballoo and tactics to get people to go buy more fast food...hello, making Cathy richer by the day. What a bunch of lemmings...followers looking to protest something. Hey here is an idea go to the source. Have you thought about going to church? Why not fill up the pews and pray for these "sinners" instead of eating fried chicken sandwiches. What else will fast food corporate schmoos do to generate millions for their shitty food that is silently killing Americans daily.
I love a good burger don't get me wrong, I eat fast food, but not as a way to protest. No I usually succumb after working 10 plus hours because I don't want to cook or rather I am too tired.

I am a Christian, a work in progress. I believe what the bible says....for the most part. I believe my God and yours, is a loving kind God who may not always like what we do, that is when we sin, but would he ever damn us to a life of eternal hell if we asked him for forgiveness, or if we truly felt in the heart he created that we were being who we were meant to be. I am not pro-gay or pro-anything other than pro-human being. I believe that whatever faults an individual has or a group perceives those individuals to have is really based in ignorance and fear. I went into a church a while back and was so turned off by their anti-gay thought (3 x in one hour) that I never returned. I believe in a union between man and woman but not for any financial or political gain. I also believe it is every persons right to love another person without fear of what others may think. Love cannot be dictated by people, politicians, or even religion. Love happens in the unlikeliest of moments to the most unlikely of people and if its not hurting anyone then leave it alone.

I wish Chick Fil-A's Dan Cathy and other fast food giants would find something else worthwhile to protest like childhood hunger...that would make me respect them more. Don't think I will be eating any fast food again this week.

LOVING AN ADDICT AND THE GOD FACTOR...

These last few weeks have been a trying time for me. I miss my Love like there is no tomorrow. If you follow my blog you know that he is in rehab, and has been away from us for more than two years. When he does return home in five months or so we will have spent more time apart than we ever have together. I know that seems crazy to a lot of people. It sounds crazy to me too. Why would I put up with the life of loving an addict for twenty plus years? I don't have the answer other than that I have waited and been through all of the hard times to learn what real love is. My Love and I are at a point in our lives where we are on the same page. As I write this it is a strange thing to see that, to verbalize, to acknowledge and appreciate.
I am used to being the bold, independent, self sufficient single momma who never had to answer to a man. That has changed for me, in a good and positive way. My Love has always been in our lives through jail and prison and now rehab, my kids and I, but he has never been fully "present". Of course him being incarcerated had a lot to do with that, and that probably seems strange to a lot of people. He has been the passive parent standing to the side because his choices prevented him from being an active participant in his children's lives.

When I found out he would be gone for yet another 2 years I broke down and cried, but now looking back on it I am glad his probation officer didn't let him come home, instead putting him in a rehab facility a few counties away from us. This was so he would not try to leave and come home, something he did anyway once and then it hit him that he was preventing his own happiness. In the beginning he called me and said they are trying to shove religion down my throat..I don't want that I don't need a relationship with God like they want me to have. I told him in those early phone calls to just do whatever he had to do to come home.

I believed, I was a reborn Christian. I was raised Catholic but never practiced as an adult. Instead after going through our domestic violence incident and staying at the local mission for a brief time I was urged by a woman who was also staying at the mission to go to a church near the mission one Sunday. I went and I listened to the sermon, at the end of the sermon they asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to God and to have a personal relationship with him. The way the Pastor spoke was as if he was speaking to me and raising my hand that day changed my heart from one that was hurting to one that would be filled with hope. I was later baptized and when my children came home two of them also became baptized and we faithfully went to church on Wednesday and Sundays for 5 years. At this time their father, my love was in his addiction deep and every time we went to church we prayed for his sobriety and his heart to be changed. He saw how going to church changed me, how happy I had become. He tried to be in our life but I held fast that he would not be in our lives as long as he was using and doing drugs for a long time and then I allowed him to come home after a stint in rehab where he said he changed. When he did live with us I stopped going to church and blamed having a new job and working overtime as the reasons I stopped going to church. My life spiraled and I lost places to live several times because I allowed my Love to make promises to me I knew he would not keep. He again went to jail and prison and I continued making bad choices. Moving a total of 5 times in the next 4 years.

I decided to shut him out, I deserved to be happy, I even went to church occasionally, but not as often as I wanted to. It was during this time that he showed up on my door to visit our kids, in the daytime.. he paid no attention to me. Which was odd because every other time he would say he was coming over to see the kids he would show up late after they went to bed, ashamed for them to see him sucked up and coming down from his meth high. His attention was on his daughters this time and he came and said "I know they( the police) will be looking for me Kris, I am so tired of this life...I don't want to live like this anymore. I love you and my daughters but I don't know how to stop. I want to stop but I don't know how to. I know I have lost you and them." I told him that he hadn't lost us but that we could not live like this, that he needed to get help and that it wasn't something he needed to do for us, but for himself. He needed to love himself so he could fully love us. The next morning after sleeping on my couch he was arrested. That was almost 3 years ago. 1 year of it was spent in jail and then in a rehab in Fresno, that I hated because it had not helped him before, and didn't this time either. He ended up leaving and getting a violation, more jail time, he had done well but was still kidding himself that he could make it out here. I am so glad he violated and that his probation officer put him in the program he is currently in. It is called Teen Challenge and it has saved him from himself and made him a different person entirely. He has been there for one year. Every day after he leaves will be a day of hard work and making the right choices, but now he has a renewed faith and that faith will help us both.

When I speak to him now and spend time with him he is a completely different person. He has grown into the man I always knew was there. He has helped me to parent our children in ways that he never has before and it has been hard to listen to him give me direction because I have been doing it all alone for so long. I got mad the first time he gave me some parenting advice. I was actually upset with him for having the nerve to try to be a parent. Then I realized, wow this is what I had been praying for all this time! A partner who was willing to shoulder the responsibility. How do I know he has changed? It is a gut feeling, just as I knew when he was high on crank or drunk or smoking weed I know now that he has the God factor working in his life. People who find themselves in certain situations...Get God. Everyone in prison says they are saved, of course they are only saved to the extent that it allows them to get out and mess up again. That's not to say that some are truly changed. I had heard this before from my Love when he was in Prison. No this time its different, he had a conversation with me recently and he told me, "Pray Kris!" I answered back, " I do, I do all the time." he then asked, "Do you really pray Kris, or do you just ask for God to get you out of a situation? I am talking about taking time daily to meditate on the Bible and prayer." I was floored. Yes many of my prayers consisted of "Lord just get me out of this situation and I will go to church." Of course the Lord had nothing to do with many of my situations, because they were purely out of my inability to be responsible.
It was during this conversation that he told me to go back to church and I promised him we would. I thought how we might visit another church in the area, but for some reason I decided to go back to the church I had first stepped foot in over 10 years ago.

Last weekend was our first weekend there, there were seven of us, me and my daughters and a nephew and my grandson and my daughters boyfriend. It was nice and we left with a good feeling. This last Sunday we were anxious to go as we were having a special speaker for Fathers Day. All week I had told my Love when I heard from him. This speaker Darwin Benjamin, was like my Love, a former addict. I knew what he had to say would resonate with me so I eagerly anticipated the day wishing my Love could be with us to hear his story. He and his wife's testimony spoke directly to me and my family and rang true in many parallels to my own life with my Love. After church which had run longer than usual my love called and I told him how powerful the speaker was and what his name was and he said, "Wait a minute was he a black guy?" I laughed "Yeah, why?" and my husband told me that he had just heard him this last week at a Teen Challenge Picnic in Turlock. I was amazed that my prayers were answered and that my Love was able to hear Mr. Benjamin's message. I then started to see other coincidences if you will....The church I go to is heavily affiliated with Teen Challenge as it is an Assemblies of God church. I prayed every time I went faithfully to have my husband restored and saved. Darwin Benjamin is also associated with Teen Challenge and my church. The simple fact that my husband has developed a relationship with Christ at this facility is in itself a blessing. Everything is coming full circle from the very first day I walked into that church till now. Even after my absence for a long time God continued to work behind the scenes for me daily even when I thought he had abandoned me. That is the God factor at work. I fully believe that everything we do in life is linked to an event that needs to happen for us to find our higher power. Whether you believe or not is not the question because I believe for you. I know what God has done in my life and will continue to do. All that I or my Love had to do was surrender.

 

I messaged Darwin Benjamin's Truth Ministries on Facebook. I told him about the fact that he spoke at the event my husband was at and the parallels in our stories this is the reply Truth Ministries

• Omg - amazing i sure will pray for you guys and always keep the faith especially if we dont get what we want and how we want - we just need to say like Mary oh well let thy will be done Lord cause the Father knows best - i trust you Lord! Read Isiah 44:22 - 2 Cor 5:19-20 It's all there add 1John 1:9
  
  

  I am not here to tell you what you need to do with your spirituality. I am only here to tell you how my life has taken so many twists and turns and yet it has come full circle to where I first found comfort in believing as an adult. Too many coincidences to be just that. We are all works in progress and the truth is there is a lot of work to be done in both mine and my husbands lives but if me sharing this with you helps you through times of doubt and encourages hope in you then it has all been worth it.

On loss and the lessons it has taught me this week.......To be thankful always, not just 1 day of the year..

I am feeling a little pissed off at God today. I want to believe, I want to have faith, and I want to know that the things he does in our lives are for a purpose. I have had two losses in my family in the last 10 days. My favorite Auntie Annie Avalos, who was 103 passed away. She was a wonderfully kind, genuinely sweet woman who always took the time when she visited my family when I was a child to pay attention to me. She was married to my favorite Uncle Joe, my Mothers older brother. The two of them were some of the happiest people I knew, at least that is what I saw in them. The laughter that filled the house when they were visiting or we were visiting them in San Jose are some of the best memories I have. When my Uncle Joe passed away years ago I saw how it broke my Aunties heart, she had her two sons and daughter and grandchildren to give her comfort. She became the person their lives revolved around, in a most wonderful and positive way. They all cared for her, last year my cousin her oldest son passed away, heartbreak again. I know that a person who has lived such a long life as she did had many up and downs, happiness as well as sadness, but my Auntie seemed to smile through it all with a knowingness that the Lord knew what he was doing in her life. I just can't seem to get that in my life right now.
I want to surrender completely to his will but when I hear the news that my cousins daughter lost her child on Thanksgiving day I just don't understand. I don't get that a God like mine would take from the world a little soul that was so loved, yet he only allowed her to remain with those who loved her for two months. What is the lesson in this loss? How do a mother and father survive this, how do they explain to their other young children where their sister is? How do they find the strength to live through any moment of the day? I cannot fathom the depth of their pain, and I know that no words spoken or written will heal them from their heartache. Really their are no words. I do know that having those that love you around you can be both a blessing and a curse. The comfort their families will provide them is something they will need now, and yet I know from my own losses my parents, and  a miscarriage, that you need time to grieve alone as well. I have not gone to see her yet, things are overwhelming for her. Maybe that's an excuse for me to not have to see her in such pain.... or to relive any of my losses. I think at times like this that is why people find it hard to be in the presence of someone who has had a loss. Its a reminder of their own.
When her father came to tell me I was in complete and utter shock, a wave of numbness and anger washed over me and the comparison of the two losses that our family had just suffered was something I looked at. My Aunties passing was really a joyous thing to see, her family was at peace and the memories of her were so loving and special. It truly was a celebration of the wonderful long life she lived! Yet for little Mykah who had yet to make a mark on the world, why? She came into her parents lives and those that loved them for such a brief time, yet she too like my Auntie has made a lasting impression on my heart. I had not gone to see her yet, I was waiting for this month to pass, I know new baby visitors can be overwhelming, and having been around a lot of sick people I waited. I thought I would have enough time to see her.
That is the shitty part of this lesson God has decided to show me, that there is never enough time....that the things you think you can put off or wait to do really are not promised to you..that life like time is something that happens so fast. The blink of an eye really. I told my cousin that we needed to see each other more that it is sad that we live in the same town and that those of us that live scattered here and there really don't have the closeness of my parents generation. We reminisced on our family reunions that were held in my Aunt Vera's backyard. Even if it was once a year, we all sat and caught up on one anothers lives, that was the Facebook of that time. I mean it is nice to see photos of everyone on Facebook and get a glimpse of their lives, but I don't really know some of my family members...maybe that is the gift Mykah's life has given me. The realization that living fully in the moment and being truly present in our loved ones lives is greater than any "like" on Facebook.

This post is written in memory of two of the sweetest people that ever graced the earth with their presence.....
Annie Avalos came into this world on April 17,1908  called home to Uncle Joe on November 16, 2011

Mykah Marie Bundy was given to the world on September 27, 2011 she was like a shooting star, here for a brief moment in time, called to be one of heavens littlest angels on November 24, 2011

Are You A Religion Slut/Church Hopper?

Yeah I know I am gonna get some flack for my title, but something got me thinking about my faith and how when I am not practicing it regularly I ask if the religion I am practicing is the one for me. I was born to Catholic parents and really only my mother was a devout Catholic, my Father on the other hand dropped us off and picked us up. I guess he had some issues with God. As we got older my mother stopped going so regularly and the only one of the three of us kids to be confirmed was my older sister. I was only baptized and received my first communion. I remember watching "The Story of Bernadette" with my Mom and wanting to become a nun. I remember the nuns at the Catholic school I went to for a couple of years. They looked so clean and shiny. No makeup, porcelain skin, except for Sister Angelis who looked like the wicked witch in "The Wizard of Oz" except not green, but just as mean. Dressed in off white habits and the gold band on their ring finger. Yes I wanted to be a nun and so did my Mother when she was a young girl. She often told me that she had regrets that she didn't follow her heart.
I loved the ritual of being Catholic the beauty of it all. I disliked the sermons, that made me feel that no matter how many rosaries or prayers I said I would still be guilty of something in Gods eyes.

So as a teen and young adult I did not attend church, not even at Christmas or Easter. When I had my daughters they were all baptized in the Catholic church despite my protests, because it was what my Grandmother wanted. We did not go to church though. My Grandma prayed for us and my Mom always said, "I made my first 7 Sundays I know I will go to heaven....." She did, whether she made em or not my Mom was a saint!  I learned about other religions, Bhuddism, Wicca, and even some Native American practices because my love is Native American. I thought about Atheism and evolution also. I also read the Bible occasionally and when I went through being seperated from my daughters I was reborn as a Christian even though I really did not feel completely in agreement with the Evangelistic Christian values my church had. What I did like was that the sermons spoke to me and that the God they represented to me was a loving and forgiving God. That to sing his praises was done so with joy and jubilation not solemness. I liked that they had lots of opportunites to fellowship and many groups to join. I read my Bible daily and even carried it with me a lot of the time. Its pages are dogeared and highlighted and writing is in the margin. I never had my own Bible until I bought one when I was 34. I went to Church for 4 years or so very regularly on Wednesdays and Sundays, my children liked it to some degree but it still was not the right fit for us. When I got my current job I made excuses. I have gone only a handful of times and have read my Bible only occassionally, but lately the pull to worship has been in me.

I question whether there is a church that is the right fit for me.  I have thought about visiting on Sundays but something has always popped up. So, am I a religion slut hopping from church to church, faith to faith? What am I looking for to be filled up with? What am I not getting?

I had a lot of things make me question my faith in God. My mother suffering from Alzheimers is probably the single reason it is so hard for me to wrap my head around a loving God. My Mom did not deserve to suffer and neither did we her family. I was really pissed off at God for a long time. Boy and he knew it. Remnants still linger. My other issue is that I always hear, "Be faithful to the Lord and the Lord will be faithful to you." The thing is I know a lot of heathens who always seem to be doing way better than I am and they cannot be bothered to even praise the Lord for all of their blessings. I know I know I should lead by example and go to church and be thankful in His house. 

I do have so many wonderful blessings to thank Him for. Just today I was worried about how I was going to get some extra money for my daughters field trip this week and her asking me for more to spend was like OUCH I dont have it. Low and behold I come home rather late today we all did, and there was a check from the PG and E Smart AC program that I signed up for when we moved here in July. A check for 25 dollars. Now that my friends is the Lord working in not so mysterious ways. Ask and you shall receive? I always say the Lord will answer us when we are open and ready to receive whatever it is we need, and that is not on our time but His.

So I am thinking of going to church on Sunday.

"religion" and "politics" versus "real life" and the "A" word...

Do you notice how in these election times the issue of the day becomes abortion? There I said it the dreaded "A" word. It is the hot button topic on a good portion of todays candidates agendas, especially here in California. This is when religious groups also promote their beliefs the most, during election time. So much for keeping church and state seperate. It is even the topic of the day in my little central California town. Our local newspaper has run articles for the second or third year about teenage pregnancy. This year they added a story about the fact that a young woman interviewed for the article under conditions of anonymity talk about her abortion experience. Then in todays paper there was an article about a teen who came forward in the public eye and talked about her abortion, and how at the time she thought it was the best decision for her, but now with renewed faith she talks about being pro-life and even shared her story at a faith based rally against abortion. I am glad she came forward about her situation but I do not feel that she has the right to put her beliefs on me or my daughters. Say what ever you want I am all for free speech! I do it all the time! I just feel that by saying that she felt overwhelmingly depressed over her choices and that through faith she was set free, is a dangerous prescription for the next young girl in her situation. Why? Faith is not the cure all for everything that ails you. I also feel counseling is important in working through any choices that one makes, like deciding to have an abortion. Faith has saved me many times but until and unless I addressed the deeper issues that caused my actions faith was not going to heal me alone. I find that it is not only my walk with God but my choices that shape the outcome of my future. That is quite obvious one would think. Is God going to cast me out of the opportunity of eternal life because of my sins? That is not the God I know. Because if that were the case I suppose I would burn in hell for my multitude of transgressions.

One of them being to choose the alternative to having a fourth child. I chose instead to have an abortion. I do not say "alternative" as cold and callously as you read it. It was a choice I agonized over, one that still haunts me today. I will say that I made the choice that was and has been right for me. I was a single mom with three young daughters I was barely able to take care of. In my moment of weakness with my childrens father who was still in his addiction it was not what was on my mind. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my body, and it is a scary thought that some legislator usually a male can tell me what is right for me. I find it hypocritical that people complain about welfare recipients having babies but when we choose to have an abortion we are even worse, because we have done so on their taxes. Maybe they feel they have dirtied their hands with my dirty little secret. I think choice should exist and so should sex education. I was not some teenager at the time. I knew the consequences of my behavior I just made a foolish decision. When I found out I was pregnant I was furious at myself and my love. More so with myself. Because I had to live emotionally  and physically with whatever choice I did make. Not that it had not affected my love, it did and he was wracked with guilt too.

I remember that day like it was yesterday and I remember feeling overwhelmed and questioning myself, was this the right thing for me to do? I remember the tears streaming down my face as my love touched my hand as he drove me to the clinic. I remember the dimmly lit waiting area that seemed serene and tranquil with couches and green plants. I remember seeing the fear on the face of a young woman who was under 16 and her boyfriend sitting on the waiting room couch just as scared. I also remember the well coiffed and manicured mother of a beautiful teen girl, and her sister sitting with her. I remember the mother saying, "this is what will be best for you, you have your whole life ahead of you." Then there I was another nameless woman who like everyone else would not look into the face or eyes of one another. I thought about my daughters at home and I thought of how much we had all been through.When they called my name and I went alone to the back area I felt the door close and I turned to glance at my love whose face was sad. The nurse was matter of fact and went about telling me to change into the gown methodically and in a droning monotone, because this was all routine to her. I remember the anonymous voices of the other women in the dressing rooms as they changed into dressing gowns. I remember one woman saying, "I had to take a half day off of work and I am supposed to be back to work tommorrow or I am gonna loose my job."  She said she was a waitress and really needed her job. Another said "My ole man gets out in a week and if he found out I was pregnant he would beat the shit out of me." I do not agree with women who use abortion as a method of birth control. Contraceptives are readily available and free at Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood for my procedure.. I was working full time at a job as a floral designer that did not have benefits and going to college. I qualified for medi-cal but if I did not I still would have went through with the procedure. My boss at the time who did not believe in abortion knew my situation and she did not judge me or shun me. The procedure for me was different because I was under 10 weeks pregnant. I ingested some pills and had a suppository inserted that opened up my cervix. I was sent home and I slept and cried and had what amounted to cramps. I hated my love, who for all of his sorrow that he felt, could  never fully  know my heartache. That was what seems like a lifetime ago, but it has not left me. The thoughts of what if and I wonder what... still exist today. I also know that being in my 30s at the time was far different than being 16, and alone and scared.

I am not here to make a stand on abortion or a stand against it. I am here to make a stand on the fact that I as a woman face many more issues regarding my body than a body of legislators who will be predominately male. One candidate even vows no abortions not even for victims of rape or incest. That is one candidate who will never be able to fathom what it is like to be a woman. He is a man. Why arent candidates talking about how to prevent teen pregnancies? Hmm. I feel on that day I did choose life! I chose the lives of my 3 daughters, that they have a better life, that I have the opportunity to give them more. We still struggle today we are finally getting above the water almost 9 years later, but we love eachother and want to see eachother succeed. That is what I want for my eighteen year old daughter, success, she is also the teen mom of my beautiful grandson. There is no perfection in my life. Things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Do I fear repurcussions of telling my story? No, I fear living in a country that would not allow choice for a rape or incest survivor.  I fear that some young woman go to some drastic measure to hide her pregnancy in a dumpster.  I fear some woman somewhere feeling that she will not be allowed into Heaven because of a choice she made. Is God going to forgive me? He already has. My God is a forgiving God, he knows me,  he created me.