WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS WHO NEEDS THEIR OWN ASSHOLE..THE PITFALLS OF BEING A GOOD FRIEND...

So since the lunar eclipse my lines of communication have been blurred....with family and friends and apparently I have fallen into drama that I actually want no part of of. It is inevitable that with relationships with people drama follows...words are said, things are done, and relationships become damaged. Betrayal at its worst is hard to mend when it happens between friends, let alone family. I have been caught in a vortex of other peoples drama...I have enough of my own thank you very much. I am singleparenting it, to two teen daughters and my 20 something and her son. My house is overflowing with people...my space is not my own and I am missing my Love like crazy. I would not have it any other way even in my grumblings I know that this is a great time in my life and so I have resigned myself to the craziness of it all and written it off as, normal for someone like me. Yet I have been bombarded from the outside crazies with drama and lies and more drama and wow I cannot take it. Toxic people are sucking the life out of me and I like being in bliss mode not drama overload.

Why do we allow people to treat us this way? Why do friends and family turn on eachother over misunderstandings or assumptions and why is it that it usually involves money? Why do we fail to take inventory of ourselves before we point the finger at someone else? Why is it when you make a genuine effort to help someone they manipulate the situation so they are now making you out to be the bad guy when you bailed them out of their situation? This is a general observation of mine. Have I been guilty of it? Yes I have, but then I caught myself doing what every person who manipulates the situation do..play victim. You cannot be the victim of a circumstance you alone have put yourself in. I am not talking about real victimization like abusive relationships or homocide or rape or things like that. I am talking about the victim who believes their problems exist because of everyone else and not the fact that they made the choice to not pay a bill, or tell that lie, or not go to work or betray a friend or family member. That kind of victim playing annoys the fuck out of me. Have I done it? Yes I have. Then I realized just as I cannot allow people to treat me like crap, I have to be responsible for my choices. Ok so I go without water for a few days, or my phone is off because I have a big electric bill, I get pulled over because my tags are expired. So I hustle and work my butt off, maybe friends will come to the rescue and I will have my water back on, which they did....thanks guys. Yes I have or will finish paying them this week, I have not avoided them. I will work overtime to get caught up because hey life happens, things happen and the things I cannot control like my car breaking down or getting sick are inevitable, thats life. So I control the things that I can like making sure to pay a certain bill or giving up cable until I can afford it, simple choices people.

 Some people in my circle are generous and kind hearted and some are just takers....until they burn bridge after bridge and then it becomes an issue of paying back that kind hearted person with a barage of drama and insults and trying to make them miserable because they, the taker have failed to live up to their end of the deal. They are literally standing on the piece of driftwood thats left in that river of self pity they have created for themselves. They reach out to whoever will have some sympathy for them and usually its not many that are left, usually only telling their side of the story. We all know that old saying there are three sides to every story theirs, and yours, and the truth. Most people in this situation have to hit their own rock bottom and either admit they have a problem or genuinely ask for help or even apologize to people they have betrayed, but not as a way to get back in good graces. No, as a way to heal a relationship that they may have damaged if it can be repaired. If it cannot then its time to let that person go so that your sanity can be kept intact. I have had to do this recently and though it is hard its best for me and my family. We are moving forward in our lives and cannot afford to have the burden of someone elses inability to be responsible. All I can do is pray for that individual.

Genuine relationships are rare. It is true that we cannot pick our family, that is a card that is dealt to us but we can surely pic the aces in our circle of friends. Surrounding yourself with people who you aspire to be like, is usually a way to bring out the best in yourself and them. True friends find reward in knowing their is no pricetag where friendship is concerned. Someone recently told me a mutual friend of ours became friends with him and his wife because my Love and I never had money to do anything. I didn't want their money, I wanted their friendship. I don't need to be bought and I sure as hell ain't gonna buy you. If you want to come and share a meal and good conversation and laugh into the evening I can be your best friend. Just don't expect me to pay for your fucking pedicure or spend my income tax money on something for you. That was said too. The moral of the drama hurricane I have been caught up in this last week or two is that I know who my real friends are. I love them as they are, with all of their flaws and inconsistencies....just as they love the fucked up person that I am. One of them said that they like that I don't sugar coat, that they know that I will be straightforward with them and that my real friends and family will continue to love me. Lets see after I publish this how true that is.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY FACEBOOK STATUS, FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!

Apparently I may have to start adding this to my FB status, "ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL." Lately I have alienated several people with Facebook posts, just my thoughts about something that was going on in my life at the moment that they may or may not have been a part of and they either thought they knew who I was referring to or else they knew it was them. I have been told by these "friends" that I shouldn't have posted those "feelings" of mine on Facebook. The fact of the matter is that whatever I choose to post is my business and if you do not like it BLOCK ME. I have blocked people who I view as assholes, and I am sure that I am someone's asshole out in the Facebook universe. That being said, who are these "friends" of mine to tell me what I should and should not post. According to Facebook itself, " Facebook's mission is to give people the power to share and make the world more open and connected." I think the fact that some of my "friends" had made comments to support me are what have upset the subjects of my posts. Keep in mind I use no names just how I feel. So in doing this I opened up what was a personal situation to that person and shared it with the Facebook Universe and  in that persons eyes I insulted them and their family...hope they don't see this blog then! A personal motto of mine is to not say anything about anyone if I cannot say it to their face directly, one thing I will do is be direct in person. I would expect the same from someone who has something to say about me, I prefer you say it to me. With that said I will not edit or censor my feelings for the few who I may offend. Trust me you don't want me to hold it inside, I did that for a long time and ended up stabbing someone....more about that in this link http://noturtypicalgma.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-had-ambitions-and-dreams-then-i-went.html  I am the type of person who tries not to hide who or what I am or the things I have been through. I think I am "real" what you see, is what you get. I don't have a Facebook page that has nothing but positive posts or religious quotes nor do I think my page is narcissistic, its just me and my life and my family and friends. The good the bad, the ugly, my feelings my thoughts, my hopes my dreams, the occasional F word, or show of support for any one of my "friends" So tell me do you edit or censor or block your Facebook, and if so whats the reason? Have you deleted people, and why? Do you check your Facebook before you say, get out of bed or before you turn in, do you have notifications sent to your phone, do you have an app for it on your  phone so you can access even at a funeral? What do you Facebook? Why do you Facebook? Is your Facebook public? So you block certain people? The following link allows you to control your settings and who views your pages and what your "friends" see https://www.facebook.com/settings/?tab=privacy&ref=mb, I personally don't block people from posts unless they are minors and there is something I don't want to share with them. All of my children have access to my page including my youngest who is 12 but for the sake of Facebook sign up has been 13 for the last year....I also view their pages and if they choose to block something from my view that is their choice. 
 So I have lost a "friend" or two or have strained some relationship because of my posts but were they ever really my "friend" in the true sense of the word, I mean come on, I have never been to your home and you have never been to mine, I generally "know" the people on my Facebook in some way either as my friends in real life, coworkers, family, people from church. Some of my "friends" have met through mutual friends or from my child being involved in her sport...you can label your "friends" now..which is apparently something I will do next, just so there is no confusion the next time you see something you may think is about you that you may not like on my page. Happy Facebooking!

Lets Get Together!

I am in need of some friend time some much needed adult conversation, so I invited some friends to come and hangout Friday nite at my house. I am one of those people that would rather sit in a backyard with my friends than sit in a stuffy restaurant. I am a jeans and tee shirt gal. Of course I'm going to cook some kickass food but I also asked my friends to byob and also told them it would be a potluck type barbecue... everyone contributes and we have a good time. It has been a long time since I let my hair down and kicked it with my buds. This will be a no frills affair everyone will bring their own chairs and we will have a drink under the stars...just like this song..heard it today and it summed up exactly how I feel about this Friday.

Good music, good food, good drinks,good friends,good times, what more could a girl ask for! See you then!

DELETING TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE....

I have been on this happy kick lately, and it is not due to all of the usual suspects, like sex, or money because I am broker than a joker. Its not due to new clothes or new anything, again with the no money phrase. I do not suddenly have everything I want, but yet I do. I am 44 years old and I can finally say that I have reached a stage in my life where I like who I am. Like Sally Field exclaimed as she won that Oscar "You like me you really like me!" That is what my reflection says to me when I catch a glimpse of it unexpectedly. I have trudged through my fair share of the caca in life and then some, thank goodness I was equipped with hip waders! So it was not some epiphanal moment that brought me to my most recent and only known state of bliss as a grownup. So what was it you ask? Hence the title for this post, I stopped dealing with all of the toxic people in my life. I pushed that little delete button in my head and started really rethinking the importance of certain peoples value in my life. Yes, value. I value my relationships with people, and though I am not a social butterfly, quite the opposite, I still have my close circle of loyal friends. Friends who I know would (and have) dropped everything to come and rescue me from what ever trouble I had gotten myself into. I have to admit that I am always the neediest person in my group of friends, or so it feels that way. I hate that I cannot take friends to lunch more often and it be my treat, but then again I am one of those people who have other things to offer. Usually it is advice or understanding and that can drain you more than a lunch at the IHOP.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?"  "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.

Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is  really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.