i make no excuses about who i am! love me, hate me, just read me!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

i vageled, bet you dont know what the fuck that is.....

I have been off on a hiatus well that is what I was calling it. I was taking a break from all things electronic, computer, phone, internet, even TV. Partly because it was not a priority to pay my internet phone service bill, and partly because our church was doing what is called a 21 day Daniel fast. Then there is always the part that I had a lot of paperwork to deal with. The fast ended yesterday and I was  proud of myself for not getting on Facebook or worrying about my email or what TV show to watch or even what to blog about.
Two weeks ago after church I was having literally one of the best Sundays ever, my eldest lovely decided to go to church with us and that meant my grandson would be going to the Childrens Church. He just about made it through the whole service. We left feeling somehow closer as a family and looking forward to a lazy Sunday. I came home and made chilibeans for the cold blustery day even putting a meatless batch aside for my vegetarian lovely. My oldest made cornbread and we all sat down to watch "The Blindside" one of my favorite feelgood movies. We sat there stuffed and even opened the door to let some rare sunshine in. My grandson was in front of the door facing outside and our backs were to him, he was too quiet for my comfort and I glanced over at him and watched him gag himself with a belt he was sticking down his throat. I told my daughter and she looked over at him and told him to stop and we started to laugh.

My really good friends know how I laugh. I laugh so hard sometimes that no sound comes out....and sometimes I will pee my pants. This was exactly what was about to happen and having just changed into some comfy lounging type pants I made a run for the bathroom. I could not quite get there, I started to pull my comfy louinging type pants off and I peed like one of those lil naked boy fountains. My youngest lovely stood in the door way and laughed at me and all I remember after that was a rush of heat to my face and waking up to my girls in hysterics. I had passed out and fell face first onto the floor, I know this because well I woke up to the grains of wood 1 inch from my nose and blood droplets, a really deep crimson color, on that wood. I remeber uttering "What the fuck??" and my oldest lovely screaming and telling me, "Mom stay there I just called the ambulance they are on their way!" AMBULANCE?

I pushed myself up and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror there was blood on my face, my lip was cut and I was saying, "I'm o.k. really I will be fine....." I said this in hushed quiet tones something I usually don't do. So this worried my kids and they were scrambling as I plopped on my bed and instructed them to get me some clean clothes and a bag of ice. I could feel the right side of my face puff up like a puffer fish. The fire department got here first and man were they fast I sat on the couch as they examined me and then my living room was filled with men. Too bad they weren't there to strip but anyway. So the paramedic examines me, my kids tell them what happened and he tells me. "You vageled."  I laughed so hard that I somehow put pressure on my vagus nerves, nerves that run from your head down to your lower torso. Seems I cut these off laughing so hard. Apparently the vagus nerves control things like blood pressure and heart rate, two things that slowed down due to my laughing, and well voila I face planted. Literally. 

Not the particular fall from grace I was thinking of, but nonetheless  so typical of me to be the one in a million that this kinda shit happens to. Lucky me, no I can't win the lotto but shit I can vagel! Yay for me!

After opting to see my own doctor the next day I sat on the couch and no sooner had the paramedics left were my kids acting out the scenario and laughing. They saw my leopard print underwear and the vision of I, their mother face down on the floor with pants around my ankles somehow became less scary to them and more and more and more funny to them. I will admit I would fall on my face again to get such wonderful love and affection like I got after the fall. They have told me they love me everyday and sometimes more than once and I think it hit them that they need me just as much as I need them. Oh to realize that one day your parent may not be here.

Well I still have remnants of a black eye and my lip is scarred inside and I cannot whistle! I love to whistle hopefully its temporary, my face hurt up until yesterday even the roots of my teeth hurt! I had x-rays and wow was I lucky! I think it was the hook on my schnozola that saved me from a far worse fate! I have always loved my nose, it was never a petite or cute kinda nose but rather a bulbous and wicked witch kinda nose. Its fine too. So that is one of the adventures I have had on my hiatus from the blogosphere and web. So now you have a really good story to tell and I bet that if you ask someone if they know what vageling is they could not tell you.

Look it coulda been worse people vagel when they are trying to poop and are constipated. Yeah it coulda been way worse!

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