LOVING AN ADDICT AND THE GOD FACTOR...

These last few weeks have been a trying time for me. I miss my Love like there is no tomorrow. If you follow my blog you know that he is in rehab, and has been away from us for more than two years. When he does return home in five months or so we will have spent more time apart than we ever have together. I know that seems crazy to a lot of people. It sounds crazy to me too. Why would I put up with the life of loving an addict for twenty plus years? I don't have the answer other than that I have waited and been through all of the hard times to learn what real love is. My Love and I are at a point in our lives where we are on the same page. As I write this it is a strange thing to see that, to verbalize, to acknowledge and appreciate.
I am used to being the bold, independent, self sufficient single momma who never had to answer to a man. That has changed for me, in a good and positive way. My Love has always been in our lives through jail and prison and now rehab, my kids and I, but he has never been fully "present". Of course him being incarcerated had a lot to do with that, and that probably seems strange to a lot of people. He has been the passive parent standing to the side because his choices prevented him from being an active participant in his children's lives.

When I found out he would be gone for yet another 2 years I broke down and cried, but now looking back on it I am glad his probation officer didn't let him come home, instead putting him in a rehab facility a few counties away from us. This was so he would not try to leave and come home, something he did anyway once and then it hit him that he was preventing his own happiness. In the beginning he called me and said they are trying to shove religion down my throat..I don't want that I don't need a relationship with God like they want me to have. I told him in those early phone calls to just do whatever he had to do to come home.

I believed, I was a reborn Christian. I was raised Catholic but never practiced as an adult. Instead after going through our domestic violence incident and staying at the local mission for a brief time I was urged by a woman who was also staying at the mission to go to a church near the mission one Sunday. I went and I listened to the sermon, at the end of the sermon they asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to God and to have a personal relationship with him. The way the Pastor spoke was as if he was speaking to me and raising my hand that day changed my heart from one that was hurting to one that would be filled with hope. I was later baptized and when my children came home two of them also became baptized and we faithfully went to church on Wednesday and Sundays for 5 years. At this time their father, my love was in his addiction deep and every time we went to church we prayed for his sobriety and his heart to be changed. He saw how going to church changed me, how happy I had become. He tried to be in our life but I held fast that he would not be in our lives as long as he was using and doing drugs for a long time and then I allowed him to come home after a stint in rehab where he said he changed. When he did live with us I stopped going to church and blamed having a new job and working overtime as the reasons I stopped going to church. My life spiraled and I lost places to live several times because I allowed my Love to make promises to me I knew he would not keep. He again went to jail and prison and I continued making bad choices. Moving a total of 5 times in the next 4 years.

I decided to shut him out, I deserved to be happy, I even went to church occasionally, but not as often as I wanted to. It was during this time that he showed up on my door to visit our kids, in the daytime.. he paid no attention to me. Which was odd because every other time he would say he was coming over to see the kids he would show up late after they went to bed, ashamed for them to see him sucked up and coming down from his meth high. His attention was on his daughters this time and he came and said "I know they( the police) will be looking for me Kris, I am so tired of this life...I don't want to live like this anymore. I love you and my daughters but I don't know how to stop. I want to stop but I don't know how to. I know I have lost you and them." I told him that he hadn't lost us but that we could not live like this, that he needed to get help and that it wasn't something he needed to do for us, but for himself. He needed to love himself so he could fully love us. The next morning after sleeping on my couch he was arrested. That was almost 3 years ago. 1 year of it was spent in jail and then in a rehab in Fresno, that I hated because it had not helped him before, and didn't this time either. He ended up leaving and getting a violation, more jail time, he had done well but was still kidding himself that he could make it out here. I am so glad he violated and that his probation officer put him in the program he is currently in. It is called Teen Challenge and it has saved him from himself and made him a different person entirely. He has been there for one year. Every day after he leaves will be a day of hard work and making the right choices, but now he has a renewed faith and that faith will help us both.

When I speak to him now and spend time with him he is a completely different person. He has grown into the man I always knew was there. He has helped me to parent our children in ways that he never has before and it has been hard to listen to him give me direction because I have been doing it all alone for so long. I got mad the first time he gave me some parenting advice. I was actually upset with him for having the nerve to try to be a parent. Then I realized, wow this is what I had been praying for all this time! A partner who was willing to shoulder the responsibility. How do I know he has changed? It is a gut feeling, just as I knew when he was high on crank or drunk or smoking weed I know now that he has the God factor working in his life. People who find themselves in certain situations...Get God. Everyone in prison says they are saved, of course they are only saved to the extent that it allows them to get out and mess up again. That's not to say that some are truly changed. I had heard this before from my Love when he was in Prison. No this time its different, he had a conversation with me recently and he told me, "Pray Kris!" I answered back, " I do, I do all the time." he then asked, "Do you really pray Kris, or do you just ask for God to get you out of a situation? I am talking about taking time daily to meditate on the Bible and prayer." I was floored. Yes many of my prayers consisted of "Lord just get me out of this situation and I will go to church." Of course the Lord had nothing to do with many of my situations, because they were purely out of my inability to be responsible.
It was during this conversation that he told me to go back to church and I promised him we would. I thought how we might visit another church in the area, but for some reason I decided to go back to the church I had first stepped foot in over 10 years ago.

Last weekend was our first weekend there, there were seven of us, me and my daughters and a nephew and my grandson and my daughters boyfriend. It was nice and we left with a good feeling. This last Sunday we were anxious to go as we were having a special speaker for Fathers Day. All week I had told my Love when I heard from him. This speaker Darwin Benjamin, was like my Love, a former addict. I knew what he had to say would resonate with me so I eagerly anticipated the day wishing my Love could be with us to hear his story. He and his wife's testimony spoke directly to me and my family and rang true in many parallels to my own life with my Love. After church which had run longer than usual my love called and I told him how powerful the speaker was and what his name was and he said, "Wait a minute was he a black guy?" I laughed "Yeah, why?" and my husband told me that he had just heard him this last week at a Teen Challenge Picnic in Turlock. I was amazed that my prayers were answered and that my Love was able to hear Mr. Benjamin's message. I then started to see other coincidences if you will....The church I go to is heavily affiliated with Teen Challenge as it is an Assemblies of God church. I prayed every time I went faithfully to have my husband restored and saved. Darwin Benjamin is also associated with Teen Challenge and my church. The simple fact that my husband has developed a relationship with Christ at this facility is in itself a blessing. Everything is coming full circle from the very first day I walked into that church till now. Even after my absence for a long time God continued to work behind the scenes for me daily even when I thought he had abandoned me. That is the God factor at work. I fully believe that everything we do in life is linked to an event that needs to happen for us to find our higher power. Whether you believe or not is not the question because I believe for you. I know what God has done in my life and will continue to do. All that I or my Love had to do was surrender.

 

I messaged Darwin Benjamin's Truth Ministries on Facebook. I told him about the fact that he spoke at the event my husband was at and the parallels in our stories this is the reply Truth Ministries

• Omg - amazing i sure will pray for you guys and always keep the faith especially if we dont get what we want and how we want - we just need to say like Mary oh well let thy will be done Lord cause the Father knows best - i trust you Lord! Read Isiah 44:22 - 2 Cor 5:19-20 It's all there add 1John 1:9
  
  

  I am not here to tell you what you need to do with your spirituality. I am only here to tell you how my life has taken so many twists and turns and yet it has come full circle to where I first found comfort in believing as an adult. Too many coincidences to be just that. We are all works in progress and the truth is there is a lot of work to be done in both mine and my husbands lives but if me sharing this with you helps you through times of doubt and encourages hope in you then it has all been worth it.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS WHO NEEDS THEIR OWN ASSHOLE..THE PITFALLS OF BEING A GOOD FRIEND...

So since the lunar eclipse my lines of communication have been blurred....with family and friends and apparently I have fallen into drama that I actually want no part of of. It is inevitable that with relationships with people drama follows...words are said, things are done, and relationships become damaged. Betrayal at its worst is hard to mend when it happens between friends, let alone family. I have been caught in a vortex of other peoples drama...I have enough of my own thank you very much. I am singleparenting it, to two teen daughters and my 20 something and her son. My house is overflowing with people...my space is not my own and I am missing my Love like crazy. I would not have it any other way even in my grumblings I know that this is a great time in my life and so I have resigned myself to the craziness of it all and written it off as, normal for someone like me. Yet I have been bombarded from the outside crazies with drama and lies and more drama and wow I cannot take it. Toxic people are sucking the life out of me and I like being in bliss mode not drama overload.

Why do we allow people to treat us this way? Why do friends and family turn on eachother over misunderstandings or assumptions and why is it that it usually involves money? Why do we fail to take inventory of ourselves before we point the finger at someone else? Why is it when you make a genuine effort to help someone they manipulate the situation so they are now making you out to be the bad guy when you bailed them out of their situation? This is a general observation of mine. Have I been guilty of it? Yes I have, but then I caught myself doing what every person who manipulates the situation do..play victim. You cannot be the victim of a circumstance you alone have put yourself in. I am not talking about real victimization like abusive relationships or homocide or rape or things like that. I am talking about the victim who believes their problems exist because of everyone else and not the fact that they made the choice to not pay a bill, or tell that lie, or not go to work or betray a friend or family member. That kind of victim playing annoys the fuck out of me. Have I done it? Yes I have. Then I realized just as I cannot allow people to treat me like crap, I have to be responsible for my choices. Ok so I go without water for a few days, or my phone is off because I have a big electric bill, I get pulled over because my tags are expired. So I hustle and work my butt off, maybe friends will come to the rescue and I will have my water back on, which they did....thanks guys. Yes I have or will finish paying them this week, I have not avoided them. I will work overtime to get caught up because hey life happens, things happen and the things I cannot control like my car breaking down or getting sick are inevitable, thats life. So I control the things that I can like making sure to pay a certain bill or giving up cable until I can afford it, simple choices people.

 Some people in my circle are generous and kind hearted and some are just takers....until they burn bridge after bridge and then it becomes an issue of paying back that kind hearted person with a barage of drama and insults and trying to make them miserable because they, the taker have failed to live up to their end of the deal. They are literally standing on the piece of driftwood thats left in that river of self pity they have created for themselves. They reach out to whoever will have some sympathy for them and usually its not many that are left, usually only telling their side of the story. We all know that old saying there are three sides to every story theirs, and yours, and the truth. Most people in this situation have to hit their own rock bottom and either admit they have a problem or genuinely ask for help or even apologize to people they have betrayed, but not as a way to get back in good graces. No, as a way to heal a relationship that they may have damaged if it can be repaired. If it cannot then its time to let that person go so that your sanity can be kept intact. I have had to do this recently and though it is hard its best for me and my family. We are moving forward in our lives and cannot afford to have the burden of someone elses inability to be responsible. All I can do is pray for that individual.

Genuine relationships are rare. It is true that we cannot pick our family, that is a card that is dealt to us but we can surely pic the aces in our circle of friends. Surrounding yourself with people who you aspire to be like, is usually a way to bring out the best in yourself and them. True friends find reward in knowing their is no pricetag where friendship is concerned. Someone recently told me a mutual friend of ours became friends with him and his wife because my Love and I never had money to do anything. I didn't want their money, I wanted their friendship. I don't need to be bought and I sure as hell ain't gonna buy you. If you want to come and share a meal and good conversation and laugh into the evening I can be your best friend. Just don't expect me to pay for your fucking pedicure or spend my income tax money on something for you. That was said too. The moral of the drama hurricane I have been caught up in this last week or two is that I know who my real friends are. I love them as they are, with all of their flaws and inconsistencies....just as they love the fucked up person that I am. One of them said that they like that I don't sugar coat, that they know that I will be straightforward with them and that my real friends and family will continue to love me. Lets see after I publish this how true that is.

UN AMERICAN MILITARY MOMS NURSING THEIR CHILDREN! THE RUIN OF THE NATION! GET THE F*#@ OVER IT ALREADY...

What is the military coming too first they let women in the ranks, then they let them breastfeed in uniform! How UN AMERICAN can you be? That is sarcasm friends...sarcasm. I love the photos of the Moms in uniform nursing their babies! I wish that I would have taken photos of my daughters when they were little nursing. Those were special times to me as a mother. I was able to nurse all 3 of my daughters and it was a beautiful thing. I think it created a bond that will last a lifetime, that is when my teens get out of their teen angst years. Breastfeeding for me was not only convenient, they slept in the same bed as I did, it gave me a sense of ultra closeness to my children. They still pile in my bed occasionally. While I am not saying that those Moms who choose not to breastfeed are not developing that same closeness with their child, its a different closeness. I hope I am not offending anyone. Moms are just special creatures equipped with all kinds of amazing abilities, nursing just happens to be one of them. I know moms that know its their child crying in a crowd of kids, or Moms who sense when something is wrong with their child, its Mom intuition a special sense every mom has.
Breastfeeding is a challenging proposition. Engorgement and sometimes blocked ducts, causing mastitis to name a couple, something I had with my last child and it was sooooo painful that I cried when she latched on. Once that passed it was again just my way of nourishing my child. It also allowed me to pass on vital antibodies and nutrients in the colostrum of the first few days of nursing. Two of my children have less allergies and had less ear infections. One of them was just unlucky to have my sensitive skin and allergies. If I had to do it all over again I definitely would!

I did not have a lactation specialist or any coach or any fancy schmancy person helping me. I did have the services of a nurse immediately after my first daughters birth and help and encouragement from nutritionists at the WIC program go to this link to learn more http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/  A great program for nursing mothers and infants and toddlers.
If you choose to nurse their are a lot of resources out there. Find the one that works for you, and hang in there its not easy for everyone, but don't get discouraged.

Now to the soapbox part of my blog. So the Moms in the military uniforms breastfeeding their babies are getting a lot of flack, from the military and civilians. I find it really stupid to liken nursing your child to defecating in your uniform...which I am sure many military people have DONE, among other things. To regard it as sacrilege is nonsense and a total manifestation of MENS obsession with women's breasts. Men view women's breast as a sexual part of a women that serves only to pleasure them. While it is true stimulating the nipples can cause the release of oxytocin during sex, its also released during nursing. So now that I popped your bubble men, let me inform you oxytocin or the "cuddle hormone" helps a womens uterus get back into shape after child birth when they nurse. This also explains why Moms bond with their babies when they nurse.

So basically the Military Moms haters are guys or gals with tit complexes and really need to rethink what women's breasts are for. They were originally intended for nourishing a child. I mean DO we expect animals not to nurse? We dont get uncomfortable seeing a cow nurse a its calf because thats what we expect? Plus most men I know are not sexually attracted to cows....hmmm let me rephrase that and say animals. So why all the hullabaloo? Maybe it has to do with the fact that these Mommas were well, HOT... I mean if they were homely and wrapped in mounds of material who would have cared, or if they were featured in a magazine like National Geographic who would have cared? View the photos and complete story here http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/30/11955844-military-mom-proud-of-breast-feeding-in-uniform-despite-criticism?lite
Men and their obsession with breasts have taken this to a whole new level on my stupidity meter.
I for one am proud those gals serve our country and nurse their children, do I care if they wear a uniform while doing. Not one bit. The photos were shot for upcoming Breastfeeding awareness month, military Moms are still Moms. I just think that the people who are uncomfortable with the photos are probably getting feelings in the lower part of their uniforms.....now that's something to be ashamed of.

THE POLITICS OF BEING A GIRL IN LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL

This years Little League season has come and gone, and for my daughter it was not the season that was promised to her. I will say some of it is from her own behavior, bad attitude, letting her emotions show and get to her. The other part is what has been in existence since the first caveman bore a son and vowed his son would be best hunter, the alpha male, competition has never been the same since. Especially where grown men are concerned. You know the type, the kind who though they are told not to live through their male child do it anyway.
 Ever since our first foray into Little league three years ago it has been more about vicariously living through the chosen son or as it were grandson, and so to a lowly female child whose father was not present to be a positive force in her life, my daughter was often times overlooked and underestimated. It was an old softball coach who picked her up her first year in Little League, a coach set in his ways and unwilling to see past his grandson. It was an ok year. Her second year she was picked up by an old football coach and this seemed like it was going to be a great year, he used her as pitcher and they won their first few games that she played until she moved up to majors where she was just a player filling a void left on the team. A team that came in last place too many times to count. The coach when asking me about her ability heard nothing I said and told me he had ever only seen two girls in his lifetime that were "good" enough to play baseball with the boys. Still he was stuck with her and it became another instance of the chosen grandson and son to be the star...and he was good, I will admit that much. Yet she still did not get the opportunity boys younger than her had. On one of the rare occasions that she was on the mound she struck out one of the leagues best hitters, no one can take that from her. After that it was a loosing season and more time on the bench than play. She wanted off the team and wanted to go back in the draft. When we were told her old triple A coach was possibly taking the team over so we waited. When he did take over this beleaguered loosing team, she was hopeful as he told her he would give her the opportunity to play more, to pitch more, and to shine. When he asked what position she played last season the most the token star player said "bench". With all of the promises that were made to both players and parents it really just was another repeat of last year.What we were not prepared for was that he took this team so he would have an opportunity to take his son off of another team and give him more playing time on this one essentially building an opportunity for him to build his sons stats.
 At first it seemed as if she would get a fair shake until he started playing his son more often at pitcher. As she sat and watched lesser players get more opportunities it became evident to her and I that it was the same ole, same ole. Her attitude began to show, her frustration and anger lashed out in disrespect. When he called me about her I told him to bench her, she deserved it. Then I saw a side of this coach I had never seen before, he made a rude comment when she struck out, yet high fived the star player when he did the same..not wanting to bruise his fragile ego. He allowed this kid after missing a week of practice to come in and pitch in a must win game that we lost anyway. I confronted him about his comments and the fact that he favored players after he said he wouldn't, but if you look at the stats you will see his child led at bats with 46 while a player who didn't have the big ability others had batted 19 times this season. So much for the impartiality we were promised at the beginning of the season...something he cannot deny since its all in black and white on the stats. Since that confrontation our relationship, and his with my child has never been the same and never will be.  I personally feel that Dads who coach should not be allowed to coach their sons or daughters, which would lessen the nepotism that runs rampant on Little League fields everywhere.
To my daughters credit, individual credit I might add, she became the first female to hit two out of the park home runs ever in Madera Little League history. Those were and are wonderful accomplishments and we were happy with that until he benched her at her last ever Little League game in the second inning because she failed to get a ball and apparently gave him attitude, yet his child and others on the team who were unsportsmanlike to another team mate got to play and finish out their season. My daughter sat crying on the bench. She was hoping for another home run.
I sat disgusted and did not watch the last of the game and when we left I told her that it didn't matter, this year was like every other, what man wants their son to be out shined by a girl I told her?
I came home and wrote to one of the people on the board who was one of my daughters  biggest supporters and thanked them. They too were bewildered by what happened this year, especially since the teams standings really did not improve. I know its all about politics and good ole boy standards where girls are concerned in the game of baseball. Little League ball is way worse than high school, college and for that matter, professional ball in my opinion. Run by overzealous males whose beer guts have them unable to play anymore.What I do know, is, this has been a character builder for my daughter and in the future she will hopefully learn to control her emotions...know that the game is the game, and build on those principles she has learned from all of the great coaches who will and have crossed her path and even learn from the not so good coaches who will also unfortunately come life as she continues to play the sports she loves, baseball and tackle football.

Makenzee kissing her first home run ball

 Her dad getting a rare glimpse of his daughter playing at her best

 She is a great ballplayer and a great athlete with tons of potential, we talked about her opportunities in jr. high and beyond. How now, it may be a different playing field....time will tell but one things for sure this girl of mine will always be my shining star.