What am I doing up at this hour? Its raining outside, the kids are asleep, the house is making settling sounds and I am on my blogher.com and I come across a post about this PIC series "Diary of a Single Mom" and at first I was like YAWN..... but then I kept on watching the episodes and let me tell you they ring sooo true. Some of them are a little overdramaticized and kinda stereotypical but really as I watch more I find it speaking to me, especially this episode http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1641244102?bctid=52215407001
The shows heroine Ocean learns that having dreams and wants as a single mom is so vital to moving forward in her own life and bettering her life for her children. Made me wanna prioritize more..... thanks DOASM . I am looking forward to seeing more episodes and following the growth of the characters!
So check it out on who woulda thought, the Public Internet Channel? I love it~NotUrTypicalGma
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"religion" and "politics" versus "real life" and the "A" word...
Do you notice how in these election times the issue of the day becomes abortion? There I said it the dreaded "A" word. It is the hot button topic on a good portion of todays candidates agendas, especially here in California. This is when religious groups also promote their beliefs the most, during election time. So much for keeping church and state seperate. It is even the topic of the day in my little central California town. Our local newspaper has run articles for the second or third year about teenage pregnancy. This year they added a story about the fact that a young woman interviewed for the article under conditions of anonymity talk about her abortion experience. Then in todays paper there was an article about a teen who came forward in the public eye and talked about her abortion, and how at the time she thought it was the best decision for her, but now with renewed faith she talks about being pro-life and even shared her story at a faith based rally against abortion. I am glad she came forward about her situation but I do not feel that she has the right to put her beliefs on me or my daughters. Say what ever you want I am all for free speech! I do it all the time! I just feel that by saying that she felt overwhelmingly depressed over her choices and that through faith she was set free, is a dangerous prescription for the next young girl in her situation. Why? Faith is not the cure all for everything that ails you. I also feel counseling is important in working through any choices that one makes, like deciding to have an abortion. Faith has saved me many times but until and unless I addressed the deeper issues that caused my actions faith was not going to heal me alone. I find that it is not only my walk with God but my choices that shape the outcome of my future. That is quite obvious one would think. Is God going to cast me out of the opportunity of eternal life because of my sins? That is not the God I know. Because if that were the case I suppose I would burn in hell for my multitude of transgressions.
One of them being to choose the alternative to having a fourth child. I chose instead to have an abortion. I do not say "alternative" as cold and callously as you read it. It was a choice I agonized over, one that still haunts me today. I will say that I made the choice that was and has been right for me. I was a single mom with three young daughters I was barely able to take care of. In my moment of weakness with my childrens father who was still in his addiction it was not what was on my mind. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my body, and it is a scary thought that some legislator usually a male can tell me what is right for me. I find it hypocritical that people complain about welfare recipients having babies but when we choose to have an abortion we are even worse, because we have done so on their taxes. Maybe they feel they have dirtied their hands with my dirty little secret. I think choice should exist and so should sex education. I was not some teenager at the time. I knew the consequences of my behavior I just made a foolish decision. When I found out I was pregnant I was furious at myself and my love. More so with myself. Because I had to live emotionally and physically with whatever choice I did make. Not that it had not affected my love, it did and he was wracked with guilt too.
I remember that day like it was yesterday and I remember feeling overwhelmed and questioning myself, was this the right thing for me to do? I remember the tears streaming down my face as my love touched my hand as he drove me to the clinic. I remember the dimmly lit waiting area that seemed serene and tranquil with couches and green plants. I remember seeing the fear on the face of a young woman who was under 16 and her boyfriend sitting on the waiting room couch just as scared. I also remember the well coiffed and manicured mother of a beautiful teen girl, and her sister sitting with her. I remember the mother saying, "this is what will be best for you, you have your whole life ahead of you." Then there I was another nameless woman who like everyone else would not look into the face or eyes of one another. I thought about my daughters at home and I thought of how much we had all been through.When they called my name and I went alone to the back area I felt the door close and I turned to glance at my love whose face was sad. The nurse was matter of fact and went about telling me to change into the gown methodically and in a droning monotone, because this was all routine to her. I remember the anonymous voices of the other women in the dressing rooms as they changed into dressing gowns. I remember one woman saying, "I had to take a half day off of work and I am supposed to be back to work tommorrow or I am gonna loose my job." She said she was a waitress and really needed her job. Another said "My ole man gets out in a week and if he found out I was pregnant he would beat the shit out of me." I do not agree with women who use abortion as a method of birth control. Contraceptives are readily available and free at Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood for my procedure.. I was working full time at a job as a floral designer that did not have benefits and going to college. I qualified for medi-cal but if I did not I still would have went through with the procedure. My boss at the time who did not believe in abortion knew my situation and she did not judge me or shun me. The procedure for me was different because I was under 10 weeks pregnant. I ingested some pills and had a suppository inserted that opened up my cervix. I was sent home and I slept and cried and had what amounted to cramps. I hated my love, who for all of his sorrow that he felt, could never fully know my heartache. That was what seems like a lifetime ago, but it has not left me. The thoughts of what if and I wonder what... still exist today. I also know that being in my 30s at the time was far different than being 16, and alone and scared.
I am not here to make a stand on abortion or a stand against it. I am here to make a stand on the fact that I as a woman face many more issues regarding my body than a body of legislators who will be predominately male. One candidate even vows no abortions not even for victims of rape or incest. That is one candidate who will never be able to fathom what it is like to be a woman. He is a man. Why arent candidates talking about how to prevent teen pregnancies? Hmm. I feel on that day I did choose life! I chose the lives of my 3 daughters, that they have a better life, that I have the opportunity to give them more. We still struggle today we are finally getting above the water almost 9 years later, but we love eachother and want to see eachother succeed. That is what I want for my eighteen year old daughter, success, she is also the teen mom of my beautiful grandson. There is no perfection in my life. Things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Do I fear repurcussions of telling my story? No, I fear living in a country that would not allow choice for a rape or incest survivor. I fear that some young woman go to some drastic measure to hide her pregnancy in a dumpster. I fear some woman somewhere feeling that she will not be allowed into Heaven because of a choice she made. Is God going to forgive me? He already has. My God is a forgiving God, he knows me, he created me.
One of them being to choose the alternative to having a fourth child. I chose instead to have an abortion. I do not say "alternative" as cold and callously as you read it. It was a choice I agonized over, one that still haunts me today. I will say that I made the choice that was and has been right for me. I was a single mom with three young daughters I was barely able to take care of. In my moment of weakness with my childrens father who was still in his addiction it was not what was on my mind. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my body, and it is a scary thought that some legislator usually a male can tell me what is right for me. I find it hypocritical that people complain about welfare recipients having babies but when we choose to have an abortion we are even worse, because we have done so on their taxes. Maybe they feel they have dirtied their hands with my dirty little secret. I think choice should exist and so should sex education. I was not some teenager at the time. I knew the consequences of my behavior I just made a foolish decision. When I found out I was pregnant I was furious at myself and my love. More so with myself. Because I had to live emotionally and physically with whatever choice I did make. Not that it had not affected my love, it did and he was wracked with guilt too.
I remember that day like it was yesterday and I remember feeling overwhelmed and questioning myself, was this the right thing for me to do? I remember the tears streaming down my face as my love touched my hand as he drove me to the clinic. I remember the dimmly lit waiting area that seemed serene and tranquil with couches and green plants. I remember seeing the fear on the face of a young woman who was under 16 and her boyfriend sitting on the waiting room couch just as scared. I also remember the well coiffed and manicured mother of a beautiful teen girl, and her sister sitting with her. I remember the mother saying, "this is what will be best for you, you have your whole life ahead of you." Then there I was another nameless woman who like everyone else would not look into the face or eyes of one another. I thought about my daughters at home and I thought of how much we had all been through.When they called my name and I went alone to the back area I felt the door close and I turned to glance at my love whose face was sad. The nurse was matter of fact and went about telling me to change into the gown methodically and in a droning monotone, because this was all routine to her. I remember the anonymous voices of the other women in the dressing rooms as they changed into dressing gowns. I remember one woman saying, "I had to take a half day off of work and I am supposed to be back to work tommorrow or I am gonna loose my job." She said she was a waitress and really needed her job. Another said "My ole man gets out in a week and if he found out I was pregnant he would beat the shit out of me." I do not agree with women who use abortion as a method of birth control. Contraceptives are readily available and free at Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood for my procedure.. I was working full time at a job as a floral designer that did not have benefits and going to college. I qualified for medi-cal but if I did not I still would have went through with the procedure. My boss at the time who did not believe in abortion knew my situation and she did not judge me or shun me. The procedure for me was different because I was under 10 weeks pregnant. I ingested some pills and had a suppository inserted that opened up my cervix. I was sent home and I slept and cried and had what amounted to cramps. I hated my love, who for all of his sorrow that he felt, could never fully know my heartache. That was what seems like a lifetime ago, but it has not left me. The thoughts of what if and I wonder what... still exist today. I also know that being in my 30s at the time was far different than being 16, and alone and scared.
I am not here to make a stand on abortion or a stand against it. I am here to make a stand on the fact that I as a woman face many more issues regarding my body than a body of legislators who will be predominately male. One candidate even vows no abortions not even for victims of rape or incest. That is one candidate who will never be able to fathom what it is like to be a woman. He is a man. Why arent candidates talking about how to prevent teen pregnancies? Hmm. I feel on that day I did choose life! I chose the lives of my 3 daughters, that they have a better life, that I have the opportunity to give them more. We still struggle today we are finally getting above the water almost 9 years later, but we love eachother and want to see eachother succeed. That is what I want for my eighteen year old daughter, success, she is also the teen mom of my beautiful grandson. There is no perfection in my life. Things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Do I fear repurcussions of telling my story? No, I fear living in a country that would not allow choice for a rape or incest survivor. I fear that some young woman go to some drastic measure to hide her pregnancy in a dumpster. I fear some woman somewhere feeling that she will not be allowed into Heaven because of a choice she made. Is God going to forgive me? He already has. My God is a forgiving God, he knows me, he created me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
good morning football fans....is that a girl in that helmet?
It is a beautiful California classic day outside and I am gearing up to go to my daughters football game. I cannot wait to be out there cheering my girl on. This is my daughters 2nd year playing tackle football. Thats right tackle.... no she is not on some girls league. She plays with the boys. She plays in a local youth league ages 6 through 12. I will say that I think this is the best thing I could have ever allowed her to do. Not just because she ROCKS on the field, but because it has taught her important life lessons that she otherwise might not have learned. When she asked me I will admit I was concerned, but when she played it was just a thing of beauty to watch. Last year her peewee team went undefeated and won every game that they played. She learned the importance of teamwork, and how to be proud of her accomplishments. This year she is in the 5th and 6th grade division called the pups, and they have not won all of their games. This has taught her that you are not always going to be a winner and that loosing gracefully is something great players do. She has walked around on the sidelines mopey and irritated when something has not gone her way and man that really annoys me as a parent. I say that because I know my daughter has leadership qualities that you do not find in a lot of other kids at this early an age. When she mopes she sends out vibes to her teammates the "lets give up" vibe. That is not a quality that will get you anywhere in life. We have discussed this and she realizes what it does to her self esteem and her teams.
Self esteem, such a powerful phrase and not so easily attainable for young people especially young girls and young women. It is as if your whole idea of success hinges on that phrase in these teen and tween years. I do know firsthand that being involved in sports has created a child more different than her two older siblings. She is more vocal, more confident and relates better to other kids. Not that I have shrinking violet, antisocial, doormat, daughters in my other two. Other things have created strengths in them that sports did not. I just feel sports has been beneficial to the social development of my youngest daughter. She also plays softball and baseball and is now setting her sites on basketball.
The possibilities are endless for my daughter and yours. It was not long ago that playing football was a dream in some little girls head. In the 70's while Title IX was being passed without reference to sports but rather education, Billie Jean King was breaking a barrier for women everywhere with her infamous "Battle of the Sexes" match. It was also at this time in my backyard that I was doing cartwheels like Nadia Comaneci and learning to throw a football like Roger Staubach. When I asked if I could play football with the boys I was told a resounding "NO!" My father broke my spirit and created a monster by telling me "no". It was from that day on that I vowed that if I ever had a daughter I would never say "no" to any traditional male sport or occupation, if they asked me if they could do it. Heck girls can pee standing up as far as I am concerned! So as fate would have it and a lot of prayers that I would not have a boy, I would not have a boy, no I would not have a boy to leave some machismo legacy for my father, I had 3 beautiful daughters! What was I thinking? When my oldest was little we put her in t-ball which she quickly lost interest in even before the first game. My middle daughter wrestled in fourth grade and though she did not win a lot of her matches, she won a very important meet match at the local highschool in front of hundreds of screaming kids all cheering her on. Her braids trailing down her back, she amazingly TKOed and pinned her opponent. I was so extremely proud of her at that moment and she was proud of herself. After a neck injury and as the boys got stronger she lost interest. She still has that competitive heart. I would love to see her do MMA.
I respect all the trailblazers out there making it easier for the next generation of girls to reach for that brass ring and shatter more glass ceilings in the world of sports. Did you know that as early as 1722 a woman stepped in the boxing ring for the first time? Her name was Elizabeth Wilkins. Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila followed in her fathers footsteps. Two local MMA fighters introduced to martial arts by their father are sisters Zoila and Stephanie Frausto. Zoila has a record of 9 wins and 1 loss. I think that is awesome! The first pro female pitcher has already happened in 1898, Lizzie Arlington pitched for the Philadelphia Reserves, and 12 year old Chelsea Baker with a 70 MPH fastball pitched her second perfect game in April of this year. Mildred "Babe" Didrikson Zaharias blazed the trails for Wilma Rudolph who blazed the trail for Marion Jones today. A local highschool standout Alicia Brown has a promising future in track. Janet Guthrie participated in the Indy 500 long before Danica Patrick. Holley Mangold, New York Jets lineman Nick Mangold's little sister played varsity football and earned her letter, she now pursues weightlifting and has lifted over 500 pounds. Katie Nhida a kicker for Division 1A team New Mexico scored two points in 2003. Learn more about women in sports, and Title IX at http://www.girls-explore.com/ and http://womenssportsfoundation.org/. In the eighties and nineties provisions were made in Title IX that said female sports programs should be equal and proportionate to males sports programs in schools. Recently it has added community league sports to be inclusive in this ruling as well like the one my daughter plays in.
We lost our game today and though it was a crushing loss my daughter who plays both offense and defense played her heart out as did her teammates. I cannot wait for next year her last year in community league football, after that it will be junior high and then high school. Will she still have the passion for the game that she has now? I think she will and thats what inspires me to learn as much as I can about women in sports to show her that she too is a pioneer in a traditionally male sport. So CHEERS to all the girls out there that will be opening doors for the next generation of female athletes. You make me proud, you make me inspired, you lead the way! I wanna be like you when I grow up!
Self esteem, such a powerful phrase and not so easily attainable for young people especially young girls and young women. It is as if your whole idea of success hinges on that phrase in these teen and tween years. I do know firsthand that being involved in sports has created a child more different than her two older siblings. She is more vocal, more confident and relates better to other kids. Not that I have shrinking violet, antisocial, doormat, daughters in my other two. Other things have created strengths in them that sports did not. I just feel sports has been beneficial to the social development of my youngest daughter. She also plays softball and baseball and is now setting her sites on basketball.
The possibilities are endless for my daughter and yours. It was not long ago that playing football was a dream in some little girls head. In the 70's while Title IX was being passed without reference to sports but rather education, Billie Jean King was breaking a barrier for women everywhere with her infamous "Battle of the Sexes" match. It was also at this time in my backyard that I was doing cartwheels like Nadia Comaneci and learning to throw a football like Roger Staubach. When I asked if I could play football with the boys I was told a resounding "NO!" My father broke my spirit and created a monster by telling me "no". It was from that day on that I vowed that if I ever had a daughter I would never say "no" to any traditional male sport or occupation, if they asked me if they could do it. Heck girls can pee standing up as far as I am concerned! So as fate would have it and a lot of prayers that I would not have a boy, I would not have a boy, no I would not have a boy to leave some machismo legacy for my father, I had 3 beautiful daughters! What was I thinking? When my oldest was little we put her in t-ball which she quickly lost interest in even before the first game. My middle daughter wrestled in fourth grade and though she did not win a lot of her matches, she won a very important meet match at the local highschool in front of hundreds of screaming kids all cheering her on. Her braids trailing down her back, she amazingly TKOed and pinned her opponent. I was so extremely proud of her at that moment and she was proud of herself. After a neck injury and as the boys got stronger she lost interest. She still has that competitive heart. I would love to see her do MMA.
I respect all the trailblazers out there making it easier for the next generation of girls to reach for that brass ring and shatter more glass ceilings in the world of sports. Did you know that as early as 1722 a woman stepped in the boxing ring for the first time? Her name was Elizabeth Wilkins. Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila followed in her fathers footsteps. Two local MMA fighters introduced to martial arts by their father are sisters Zoila and Stephanie Frausto. Zoila has a record of 9 wins and 1 loss. I think that is awesome! The first pro female pitcher has already happened in 1898, Lizzie Arlington pitched for the Philadelphia Reserves, and 12 year old Chelsea Baker with a 70 MPH fastball pitched her second perfect game in April of this year. Mildred "Babe" Didrikson Zaharias blazed the trails for Wilma Rudolph who blazed the trail for Marion Jones today. A local highschool standout Alicia Brown has a promising future in track. Janet Guthrie participated in the Indy 500 long before Danica Patrick. Holley Mangold, New York Jets lineman Nick Mangold's little sister played varsity football and earned her letter, she now pursues weightlifting and has lifted over 500 pounds. Katie Nhida a kicker for Division 1A team New Mexico scored two points in 2003. Learn more about women in sports, and Title IX at http://www.girls-explore.com/ and http://womenssportsfoundation.org/. In the eighties and nineties provisions were made in Title IX that said female sports programs should be equal and proportionate to males sports programs in schools. Recently it has added community league sports to be inclusive in this ruling as well like the one my daughter plays in.
We lost our game today and though it was a crushing loss my daughter who plays both offense and defense played her heart out as did her teammates. I cannot wait for next year her last year in community league football, after that it will be junior high and then high school. Will she still have the passion for the game that she has now? I think she will and thats what inspires me to learn as much as I can about women in sports to show her that she too is a pioneer in a traditionally male sport. So CHEERS to all the girls out there that will be opening doors for the next generation of female athletes. You make me proud, you make me inspired, you lead the way! I wanna be like you when I grow up!
DELETING TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE....
I have been on this happy kick lately, and it is not due to all of the usual suspects, like sex, or money because I am broker than a joker. Its not due to new clothes or new anything, again with the no money phrase. I do not suddenly have everything I want, but yet I do. I am 44 years old and I can finally say that I have reached a stage in my life where I like who I am. Like Sally Field exclaimed as she won that Oscar "You like me you really like me!" That is what my reflection says to me when I catch a glimpse of it unexpectedly. I have trudged through my fair share of the caca in life and then some, thank goodness I was equipped with hip waders! So it was not some epiphanal moment that brought me to my most recent and only known state of bliss as a grownup. So what was it you ask? Hence the title for this post, I stopped dealing with all of the toxic people in my life. I pushed that little delete button in my head and started really rethinking the importance of certain peoples value in my life. Yes, value. I value my relationships with people, and though I am not a social butterfly, quite the opposite, I still have my close circle of loyal friends. Friends who I know would (and have) dropped everything to come and rescue me from what ever trouble I had gotten myself into. I have to admit that I am always the neediest person in my group of friends, or so it feels that way. I hate that I cannot take friends to lunch more often and it be my treat, but then again I am one of those people who have other things to offer. Usually it is advice or understanding and that can drain you more than a lunch at the IHOP.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?" "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.
Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.
So it came to pass that I was on the outs with a particular friend who had been a great friend but nonetheless a constant complainer, when we spoke on the phone I dreaded asking, "How are you?", because I would enevitably get spewed on with this molten lava of discontent and dissatisfaction from the drama she called her life. She was, "lonely...wished she had a man in her life...her mother was driving her crazy....she had lost a job she should have never had in the first place...when were her kids going to respect her.... how was she going to pay her bills.... my math class is so hard.... I hate how fat I have gotten....do you think I should cut my hair... am I prettier than my ex-husbands wife?" "No!" would have been the answer I was thinking in my head to that last question! It was not until our kids had a falling out that I realized we could no longer be friends and I began to distance myself from her. Just deleting that one person from my life made me feel so much better. Did I miss her? Not really. So than maybe our 10 year friendship and 10 years of being acquainted prior to our friendship really was not what it seemed. We had become fast friends because we were both going through a lot of the same issues, domestic violence and not having our children with us. I know that is what forged our friendship, as time went on and we grew as strong independent women, we grew apart and the things we once had in common were no longer there.
That happens right? People grow apart all of the time. But what if you have to delete a toxic family member from your life. I did that too. I actually stopped talking with my brother and sister, a lot of it due to me not liking their choice in mate or they mine. Its a lot more than just that, but at the crux of the matter is that I felt drained by them spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I allowed the negativity I felt towards my brothers future wife control me. I resented my sister for causing a rift between me and my eldest daughter. The negativity you allow that person to create in you is like having a vampire suck the lifeblood out of you! So I chose to get my familial vampires out of my life and I have to deal with them on my terms. I speak to my sister occassionally but never the types of discussions we used to have. My brother who said some hurtful things to me, is not someone I choose to even talk to right now. Everyone says "oh you should let it go", but somethings are not that easily forgiven and should not be on anyones terms, but my own.
Am I lonely for them? Sometimes I am, but I am not longing for all of the friction we have had as adults whose parents are no longer alive. People have said,"you guys are all you have got." To which I say that is not true I have my family, my girls and my grandson and my reforming addict love who I deleted from my life too. When I did that he focused on the fact that he needed help with his addiction to be in mine and our childrens lives. We are our family and I still have my friends who know me and still love me as I am.
Acceptance is what is important here, does the person you are thinking about deleting from your life make you the best possible you, you can be? Do you feel more dread than happy to see that person? When you do not see that person for a while do you actually miss them? Does this person give to you or take away from you? I am not talking stuff here, do they add to the quality of your relationship with them? For me if I answer no to one of these then I need to reevaluate having them in my life. I need people in my life that are going to help me move forward not backstep. Don't get me wrong I am not little Miss Mary Freakin Sunshine! I can still let my moods get the best of me, but it does not last as long. I don't live in the past anymore the past is the past, and right now it is all about creating a future for myself and my family. Is it scary? Heck yes! Positivity is what I have found in this whole deleting process. I have found that I am more equipped to deal with my issues on my terms and that I do not have to meet someones expectations of what my life should or should not be. Happiness is really a hot commodity once you have it you want to keep it. Yes I think I like living in this bliss state.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
i am needing a blogfix....
I HAVE NOT BLOGGED IN A FEW WEEKS AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! UGHH SO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT AND SO LITTLE TIME... BUT THAT IS OK I WILL SET ME TIME UP FOR MYSELF. WE HAVE BEEN WITHOUT OUR FAITHFUL COMPUTER FOR A FEW WEEKS I HAD TO SAVE UP 60 BUCKS TO GET IT REPAIRED BUT LUCKILY IT WAS FIXED QUICKLY, THEN CAME THE DOWNLOADS AND UPDATES FOR MY DINOSAUR XP AND THEN JUST NO TIME TO SIT AND THEN MY 3 KIDS GETTIN THEIR COMP FIX.... OUR TV CONVERTER WENT OUT TOOOOOOO............SOOO WE HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH OTHER VENTURES LIKE MY DAUGHTERS FOOTBALL GAMES AND PRACTICES AND EVERYDAY STUFF LIKE BOYFRIENDS AND CHORES AND WEDNESDAY NITE YOUTH CHURCH AND CHASING MY GRANDSON AROUND IN THE YARD AS HE MAKES A MESS OF THE LEAVES I JUST RAKED ITS NICE TO HEAR LAUGHTER IN MY HOUSE..... I LOVE THE CHAOS THAT IS MY LIFE..... I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT IT AND SIDES WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT!!! THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME I HOPE THAT YOU READ MY NEXT ENTRIES AS I POST THEM! CIAO FOR NOW...
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