Getting back my blog groove.....

This year I want to make a comittment to blogging a lot more consistently, there have been stops and starts and spurts of inactivity. Everyday I have a topic for a blog on the tip of my brain, but life seems to somehow get in the way. But really that is just an excuse I like to make for myself....haha. I am trying to become more regimented with certain things in my life, like skincare (sunspots what the hell, they are not age spots, they are not age spots, they are not oh wtf), eating better (cutting out the soda, so freeking hard! hey kids leave me a drop of pepsi!), keeping a journal (I can hide it better than this stuff on the computer), doing things for myself (don't remember the last time I shaved my underarms, damn things scared me this morning ready to put cornrows under my pits!) and finally the hardest of all, letting someone have the last word ( I know right?) At least they will think they have it until I come home and blog about it. My boss was explaining to me to say "OK" to problem passengers and just leave it at that, which is very, very hard for me. Especially when I feel like knocking the fuck out of them! I have rules that I need to follow to do my job properly and waiting for you (lady) to put out your cigarette and get your shit in your bag is not one of them. She cut me off "Krisann" style (for those less astute readers I am Krisann!) and then proceeded to talk about me to her friend another passenger for the full 30 minute trip to Wally world. Her friend by the way has literally stalked me on my bus. Why do all the old creepy black men fall in love with me? I am thinking it is the ass, yes it is still quite nice if I say so myself. The crazy thing is the day this happened I was making a conscious effort to be polite. I know that is hard to believe but its true. I had, just the day before gotten called into the office to review a video because a client made a complaint that I was rude to the city. Funny thing is she would not have complained if I was say, Black or White. No I firmly believe she complained because she was upset that I did not speak Spanish the way she thought I should, nevermind that she lives in the United States and should speak English! Do you already see the number of great blogs that come from these two experiences!

Trust me I have something to say everyday about some topic, however minute and abstract it may be... So this year expect to follow my blogs and vlogs on topics such as me reapplying for Welfare, Underpaid "yeah right" City of Madera employees, living on one income, Bankruptcy, Homelessness, specifically homeless camps, Homosexuality, The first Bi-racial President why do they say Black? Inspiring stories of Athletes female and male alike, Religion, more on Addiction, Sexuality, and any number of things that piss me off. For those of you that follow me Thanks so much for doing so. I hope that some of what I write inspires you and makes you think in a different way. I hope I can be informative, and maybe good for a laugh when you have had a particulary shitty day, or if you are having a great day then I hope I say something to upset you! All kidding aside, wait I am serious...thanks for your support!

You Can Lead A Teenager To Church But How Long Did They Whine Before You Got There?

I announced to my lovelies today that We would be going to church tommorrow and they all whined. Maybe it is because we are returning to our old church, the one I wanted them to be more involved in but they refused. We went every Sunday and Wednesday for almost 4 years and they always went to the adult service more often than not, and then when I started my present job we just stopped going. My kids are not very social beings, at least my two oldest aren't and I don't know if that is my fault, because I myself am not extremely outgoing. My youngest lovelie is more of a social being than any of us, I just think that she is less prone to worry about peoples judgement. A carefree type of personality who can adjust to any situation. My two oldest are protesting that they don't have anything to wear as if God himself was Ms. Jay from the show Top Model and he was going to call them out for wearing jeans and a tee. Maybe if they went to the youth group they would see every other teen in the same getup. Hmmmm......but what do I know.

The next issue with going to church for my oldest heathen, err.. I mean lovelie is that she doesn't not believe in God and so why should she have to go since she is 18. The only reason I wanted her to go was to take my grandson and to get him into the nursery there so that he can become more socialized. I would take him but really it is up to his mother how she wants to raise him, and though my hopes would be that there would be some place for spirituality in his life it isn't going to happen until she or he is ready. What gets me is for someone who does not believe in God they sure call out to him a lot when the are frustrated...... That brings me to middle lovelie who did not complain earlier too much when I told her, it was only after I refused to allow her to "strip" her hair, which much to my protests she died black a while back. Stripping the hair is not bleaching the hair Mom.....yeah it is I went to Lyles Beauty College and yes it is bleaching the hair. Another barb for me is that she goes to youth group on Wednesday nights with her boyfriend at a different church altogether. Maybe if he went to our old church she would be up and ready to dance in the aisles and praise the Lord. Do I really want to sit in church with a noncompliant sullen faced angsty teen....who would probably try to text throught the whole service! Blechhhhh!!!!!

So here I am feeling like I am forcefeeding religion on my kids and the sad part is I am. When they were younger they really had no options but to go. Now that they are older and make a lot of their own decisions do I let them stay home? Do I insist they follow my lead under false pretenses. I guess who ever is ready when I leave the house will go with me and if its only my youngest lovelie then that is how it will be.

I need this spiritual renewal. I need to be filled up so that I can pour out what is in me. I am not some Bible thumper or religious zealot. I am a normal frazzled mom of three and Glamma to 1 who finds that when I get my spiritual hunger fed I am a lot more likeable person, I like myself and I tend to make better choices plus my blood pressure goes down and decreases my wrinkle probability. So I am going to go for me without any expectation for my kids to go and then maybe just maybe one day they will follow. I am going to ask for special prayer about that in prayer circle tommorrow.

Special Footnote:
I had just finished this when my youngest came up to me and asked me, "whatcha doin?" I said, "blogging.." then she saw the title and she said, "Oh its about those two" I said, "yes those two assholes...." She confirmed my suspicions that she was going with me and we high fived...as she sat and watched me write this footnote she saw that I referred to her sissies as "assholes" and said, "Arent you going to church tommorrow?" with a giggle...well yeah I am a work in progress.

Are You A Religion Slut/Church Hopper?

Yeah I know I am gonna get some flack for my title, but something got me thinking about my faith and how when I am not practicing it regularly I ask if the religion I am practicing is the one for me. I was born to Catholic parents and really only my mother was a devout Catholic, my Father on the other hand dropped us off and picked us up. I guess he had some issues with God. As we got older my mother stopped going so regularly and the only one of the three of us kids to be confirmed was my older sister. I was only baptized and received my first communion. I remember watching "The Story of Bernadette" with my Mom and wanting to become a nun. I remember the nuns at the Catholic school I went to for a couple of years. They looked so clean and shiny. No makeup, porcelain skin, except for Sister Angelis who looked like the wicked witch in "The Wizard of Oz" except not green, but just as mean. Dressed in off white habits and the gold band on their ring finger. Yes I wanted to be a nun and so did my Mother when she was a young girl. She often told me that she had regrets that she didn't follow her heart.
I loved the ritual of being Catholic the beauty of it all. I disliked the sermons, that made me feel that no matter how many rosaries or prayers I said I would still be guilty of something in Gods eyes.

So as a teen and young adult I did not attend church, not even at Christmas or Easter. When I had my daughters they were all baptized in the Catholic church despite my protests, because it was what my Grandmother wanted. We did not go to church though. My Grandma prayed for us and my Mom always said, "I made my first 7 Sundays I know I will go to heaven....." She did, whether she made em or not my Mom was a saint!  I learned about other religions, Bhuddism, Wicca, and even some Native American practices because my love is Native American. I thought about Atheism and evolution also. I also read the Bible occasionally and when I went through being seperated from my daughters I was reborn as a Christian even though I really did not feel completely in agreement with the Evangelistic Christian values my church had. What I did like was that the sermons spoke to me and that the God they represented to me was a loving and forgiving God. That to sing his praises was done so with joy and jubilation not solemness. I liked that they had lots of opportunites to fellowship and many groups to join. I read my Bible daily and even carried it with me a lot of the time. Its pages are dogeared and highlighted and writing is in the margin. I never had my own Bible until I bought one when I was 34. I went to Church for 4 years or so very regularly on Wednesdays and Sundays, my children liked it to some degree but it still was not the right fit for us. When I got my current job I made excuses. I have gone only a handful of times and have read my Bible only occassionally, but lately the pull to worship has been in me.

I question whether there is a church that is the right fit for me.  I have thought about visiting on Sundays but something has always popped up. So, am I a religion slut hopping from church to church, faith to faith? What am I looking for to be filled up with? What am I not getting?

I had a lot of things make me question my faith in God. My mother suffering from Alzheimers is probably the single reason it is so hard for me to wrap my head around a loving God. My Mom did not deserve to suffer and neither did we her family. I was really pissed off at God for a long time. Boy and he knew it. Remnants still linger. My other issue is that I always hear, "Be faithful to the Lord and the Lord will be faithful to you." The thing is I know a lot of heathens who always seem to be doing way better than I am and they cannot be bothered to even praise the Lord for all of their blessings. I know I know I should lead by example and go to church and be thankful in His house. 

I do have so many wonderful blessings to thank Him for. Just today I was worried about how I was going to get some extra money for my daughters field trip this week and her asking me for more to spend was like OUCH I dont have it. Low and behold I come home rather late today we all did, and there was a check from the PG and E Smart AC program that I signed up for when we moved here in July. A check for 25 dollars. Now that my friends is the Lord working in not so mysterious ways. Ask and you shall receive? I always say the Lord will answer us when we are open and ready to receive whatever it is we need, and that is not on our time but His.

So I am thinking of going to church on Sunday.