Sober Life.....I was slapped in the face by my codependent behavior, reality check for mates of those getting sober...

This past weekend was probably one of the best times I have ever spent with my family. My 3 girls, my grandson and my Love. I had dreamed of  days like this not so long ago and often times I had given up hope of having them. When you love an addict you are always waiting for the bottom to fall out, and now after all of these years of waiting for my love to realize that he deserves happiness, its finally happening and I don't know how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong I am soo glad that he is on a road to recovery and sobriety. It has been two long years in rehabs and though I have prayed every day for this I am forced to look at myself as he gains a new outlook on life. Forced to realize that I too need to change harmful old patterns of behavior and change my role in our relationship. He is becoming the guy I fell in love with 20 years ago...funny, confident, loving, the person everyone loves to be around and gravitate to. I am an antisocial people hater..... I say that as nicely as possible. We are complete opposites and that is what I love about him the most, he is all of the things I am not. He brings out the best in me, and unfortunately when he was in his addiction he brought out the worst in me. I was a textbook co-dependent and to some degree I still am, but I have gotten better at drawing boundaries with him.

This weekend I had to check myself for falling into an old pattern, we were having a great day a 12 hour visit and we had a lot planned. I had a lot of stress just getting to him, car rental issues and creditcard issues and no sleep issues. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve, filled with the anxiousness of seeing him after 3 long months since our last visit. It was great, all of  our girls were so excited to see him. My grandson also came, who took to him like he has not been gone. I wanted to take him shopping and buy him some much needed things, specifically tennis shoes, we shopped at the Gilroy outlets after a long morning of Monterey Bay Aquarium and Aptos Beach. Tired and beat I took my girls shopping as I had promised. He was excited just like them. For some reason he loves tennis shoes and I knowing this let him run wild looking at shoes. He was stuck on getting these ugly for lack of a better description effeminate looking sleek Nikes. I told him no, and as I heard myself say it I flashed back to the days of his addiction. I wanted to be in control of the fucking tennis shoe buying experience! This continued for three stores, too expensive, or he just didn't like Vans...I love them and have the hots for guys who wear them. Ok some guys. He then came across some 60 dollar Etnies and I had another shit fit...really I dont even spend that much on any item for myself...my kids maybe but me or him certainly not! I said no again. Wow, was I trying to suck the fun out of the trip or what? In all honesty I could of bought them, but wanted to hold it over his head that I had rented a car, paid for our trip and wasn't that going to be good enough for him...did he really need these damned tennis shoes? I told him as much when I went and bought a purse for 30.00 way over what I normally spend, it was leather and 70 percent off? I deserved it! He reverted to the kid he was when his Mom tried to make him eat meatloaf...nope he had to have Pioneer Chicken...remember that? Or Mc Donalds....I told him your not that lil kid anymore and he said he was "sorry, take back the things you bought me and I am just happy with you just being here."  That made me feel like shit....in the old days he would take it for granted that I would forgive him and reward him... a definite codependent pattern, and I would chide him and make him feel bad. Then he would be sorry and we would make up after hours of arguing.

This little tennis shoe incident made me realize that I need to work on my issues as he gets well. I too, need to stop trying to create conflict when there should not be any. He has had a history of sabotaging important days, especially holidays, and I have learned to react. So now that he has been working on himself and instead made the day memorable for our children in a good way, I had to sabotage it. I caught myself and apologized too. He settled on some tennis shoes he was happy with. I felt good buying them for him. I know in time he will be here helping me support our children financially and emotionally and making a better way, I know he can only do that sober. I know that we can only be a family if I work on my stuff too. Being in control is not all its cracked up to be. Sometimes like the waves ebbing in you just have to go with the flow. Our visit ended as I dropped him off and we said our goodbyes....I watched him walk in with his box of clothes and new shoes and he held his head up high. Something I have not seen him do much of in the past. I am so proud of my love, so proud of him in so many ways. I thank God for answering my prayers..."Dear God if you just let me have one day with my family where everything goes right I would be so happy!"  Yes it was one of the best days yet of my Loves sobriety, and a painful lesson for me. Learning to let him be independent from my control will bring us even closer. Ironic how he is teaching me that!

Lets Get Together!

I am in need of some friend time some much needed adult conversation, so I invited some friends to come and hangout Friday nite at my house. I am one of those people that would rather sit in a backyard with my friends than sit in a stuffy restaurant. I am a jeans and tee shirt gal. Of course I'm going to cook some kickass food but I also asked my friends to byob and also told them it would be a potluck type barbecue... everyone contributes and we have a good time. It has been a long time since I let my hair down and kicked it with my buds. This will be a no frills affair everyone will bring their own chairs and we will have a drink under the stars...just like this song..heard it today and it summed up exactly how I feel about this Friday.

Good music, good food, good drinks,good friends,good times, what more could a girl ask for! See you then!

FLOATING POOP AND DINNER TIME CONVERSATION...

O.K. so I had to go no further than to my dinnertable to get a topic for todays blog.....Do you have time to sit and eat as a family? I try to sit with my kids on a regular basis, lately we have been slacking and eating in the livingroom, or half of us at the table and the other half in the living room. That was tonite, this could account for some of the stains I have seen on my new used couch. So I am sitting there at my table with my oldest lovelie and her friend and my grandson. We are just having conversation that would be deemed small talk between our bites of tacos. Tacos my kids made and I am not doing the dishes either! Usually if it is a week night we are talking about school and how their days went, doing an evening check in. We get into a discussion about how moody my daughter is today and she says "I asked my counselor if I was bipolar once." For some reason my youngest lovelie thought we had shouted her name. I said no, "we said bipolar, but if that is your name...." to which we all burst out laughing. She saunters in and asks to make a grapejuice can of concentrate for my grandson. I said, "sure" and my oldest said, "Why would you ask Mom if you could make it?" Her reply was "I like doing things!" I kid you not I choked on my taco, because this is the kid that will throw a fit and lock herself in the room so she can avoid doing her chores. Then oddly our conversation which was interrupted by middle lovelie turned to virginity. "How can a doctor tell if you are a virgin Mom?"

I was like wow I am eating here. In her case her hymenal ring had been broken years ago by her older sisters big foot when they were jumping on my bed. I checked her and her little undies had blood on them and I rushed her to the hospital thinking she had some devestating internal bleeding. Nope, it was her ring and it had been broken under the weight of her sisters big foot. So for years to come she did not hesitate to tell any one interested "my sister broke my ring" they didn't even know what ring she was talking about!

We continue on about Dr. Oz and something else and as I am taking the last bite of my taco. My oldest lovelie says "Yeah did you know your poop is supposed to sink, not float...." On that note I came and sat at my desk and started this blog. Yes your poop should sink and not float that means you are gassy, by the way.


So these are just some of the reasons we pee our pants eating dinner. I love dinnertime and weekend breakfasts with the kids at the table. It brings back good memories although we did not laugh much at the table when I was a kid because eating was a serious thing for my Dad. Eating everything on our plates was a big deal. I secretly hid greenbeans on the leaf holder under the table. I love feeding my family, it is a way that I show my love. I love watching them eat and them telling me thank you Mom. What is dinnertime like at your house?

I used to love to watch "The Waltons" when I was a kid especially watch as they all sat at the table, it always amazed me how they were such a lively bunch and how everyone seemed to enjoy it. A lot of my kids friends love sitting down to eat at our house and share in our laughter and eat something they have never tried. Cooking things that are not usual for us is something I love to do too. Do you? Once I made Chinese food and we ate with chopsticks. I tried to make sushi California style, but they were too young to appreciate it. I had never made manicotti for them and so I got all the ingredients and made it for my girls and one of their friends and he loved it. We were laughing and having a good time. We ate and cleared the table and it was time for my daughters friend to leave. His mom was waiting outside and as he walked away he farted quite loudly "Ooops you weren't supposed to hear that!" Must have been the cheese. We burst out laughing and to say the least that it is one of my all time favorite dinnertime memories.

Now I want to challenge you to sit down and eat a meal at the dinner table with your kids. Let them help cook. Let them set the table. Try something new on your plate. Turn off the T.V. Turn off your phones. Turn on your ears and really listen to what your kids are saying. Let the conversation flow, get it started if you have to but once they are talking you will find they won't be quiet. You parents should really take the time to listen and enjoy and converse with them because we live in times when not enough parents actually sit down to a meal with their kids. Once you get it going, keep it going. At least on the weekends! Because trust me we all have crazy schedules too, work,  sports practice, youth group, and soon college. I would not ever trade in sitting down to dinner with my family and our friends for eating at a five star restaurant. Besides you can't pee your pants or fart there.