i vageled, bet you dont know what the fuck that is.....

I have been off on a hiatus well that is what I was calling it. I was taking a break from all things electronic, computer, phone, internet, even TV. Partly because it was not a priority to pay my internet phone service bill, and partly because our church was doing what is called a 21 day Daniel fast. Then there is always the part that I had a lot of paperwork to deal with. The fast ended yesterday and I was  proud of myself for not getting on Facebook or worrying about my email or what TV show to watch or even what to blog about.
Two weeks ago after church I was having literally one of the best Sundays ever, my eldest lovely decided to go to church with us and that meant my grandson would be going to the Childrens Church. He just about made it through the whole service. We left feeling somehow closer as a family and looking forward to a lazy Sunday. I came home and made chilibeans for the cold blustery day even putting a meatless batch aside for my vegetarian lovely. My oldest made cornbread and we all sat down to watch "The Blindside" one of my favorite feelgood movies. We sat there stuffed and even opened the door to let some rare sunshine in. My grandson was in front of the door facing outside and our backs were to him, he was too quiet for my comfort and I glanced over at him and watched him gag himself with a belt he was sticking down his throat. I told my daughter and she looked over at him and told him to stop and we started to laugh.

My really good friends know how I laugh. I laugh so hard sometimes that no sound comes out....and sometimes I will pee my pants. This was exactly what was about to happen and having just changed into some comfy lounging type pants I made a run for the bathroom. I could not quite get there, I started to pull my comfy louinging type pants off and I peed like one of those lil naked boy fountains. My youngest lovely stood in the door way and laughed at me and all I remember after that was a rush of heat to my face and waking up to my girls in hysterics. I had passed out and fell face first onto the floor, I know this because well I woke up to the grains of wood 1 inch from my nose and blood droplets, a really deep crimson color, on that wood. I remeber uttering "What the fuck??" and my oldest lovely screaming and telling me, "Mom stay there I just called the ambulance they are on their way!" AMBULANCE?

I pushed myself up and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror there was blood on my face, my lip was cut and I was saying, "I'm o.k. really I will be fine....." I said this in hushed quiet tones something I usually don't do. So this worried my kids and they were scrambling as I plopped on my bed and instructed them to get me some clean clothes and a bag of ice. I could feel the right side of my face puff up like a puffer fish. The fire department got here first and man were they fast I sat on the couch as they examined me and then my living room was filled with men. Too bad they weren't there to strip but anyway. So the paramedic examines me, my kids tell them what happened and he tells me. "You vageled."  I laughed so hard that I somehow put pressure on my vagus nerves, nerves that run from your head down to your lower torso. Seems I cut these off laughing so hard. Apparently the vagus nerves control things like blood pressure and heart rate, two things that slowed down due to my laughing, and well voila I face planted. Literally. 

Not the particular fall from grace I was thinking of, but nonetheless  so typical of me to be the one in a million that this kinda shit happens to. Lucky me, no I can't win the lotto but shit I can vagel! Yay for me!

After opting to see my own doctor the next day I sat on the couch and no sooner had the paramedics left were my kids acting out the scenario and laughing. They saw my leopard print underwear and the vision of I, their mother face down on the floor with pants around my ankles somehow became less scary to them and more and more and more funny to them. I will admit I would fall on my face again to get such wonderful love and affection like I got after the fall. They have told me they love me everyday and sometimes more than once and I think it hit them that they need me just as much as I need them. Oh to realize that one day your parent may not be here.

Well I still have remnants of a black eye and my lip is scarred inside and I cannot whistle! I love to whistle hopefully its temporary, my face hurt up until yesterday even the roots of my teeth hurt! I had x-rays and wow was I lucky! I think it was the hook on my schnozola that saved me from a far worse fate! I have always loved my nose, it was never a petite or cute kinda nose but rather a bulbous and wicked witch kinda nose. Its fine too. So that is one of the adventures I have had on my hiatus from the blogosphere and web. So now you have a really good story to tell and I bet that if you ask someone if they know what vageling is they could not tell you.

Look it coulda been worse people vagel when they are trying to poop and are constipated. Yeah it coulda been way worse!

FLOATING POOP AND DINNER TIME CONVERSATION...

O.K. so I had to go no further than to my dinnertable to get a topic for todays blog.....Do you have time to sit and eat as a family? I try to sit with my kids on a regular basis, lately we have been slacking and eating in the livingroom, or half of us at the table and the other half in the living room. That was tonite, this could account for some of the stains I have seen on my new used couch. So I am sitting there at my table with my oldest lovelie and her friend and my grandson. We are just having conversation that would be deemed small talk between our bites of tacos. Tacos my kids made and I am not doing the dishes either! Usually if it is a week night we are talking about school and how their days went, doing an evening check in. We get into a discussion about how moody my daughter is today and she says "I asked my counselor if I was bipolar once." For some reason my youngest lovelie thought we had shouted her name. I said no, "we said bipolar, but if that is your name...." to which we all burst out laughing. She saunters in and asks to make a grapejuice can of concentrate for my grandson. I said, "sure" and my oldest said, "Why would you ask Mom if you could make it?" Her reply was "I like doing things!" I kid you not I choked on my taco, because this is the kid that will throw a fit and lock herself in the room so she can avoid doing her chores. Then oddly our conversation which was interrupted by middle lovelie turned to virginity. "How can a doctor tell if you are a virgin Mom?"

I was like wow I am eating here. In her case her hymenal ring had been broken years ago by her older sisters big foot when they were jumping on my bed. I checked her and her little undies had blood on them and I rushed her to the hospital thinking she had some devestating internal bleeding. Nope, it was her ring and it had been broken under the weight of her sisters big foot. So for years to come she did not hesitate to tell any one interested "my sister broke my ring" they didn't even know what ring she was talking about!

We continue on about Dr. Oz and something else and as I am taking the last bite of my taco. My oldest lovelie says "Yeah did you know your poop is supposed to sink, not float...." On that note I came and sat at my desk and started this blog. Yes your poop should sink and not float that means you are gassy, by the way.


So these are just some of the reasons we pee our pants eating dinner. I love dinnertime and weekend breakfasts with the kids at the table. It brings back good memories although we did not laugh much at the table when I was a kid because eating was a serious thing for my Dad. Eating everything on our plates was a big deal. I secretly hid greenbeans on the leaf holder under the table. I love feeding my family, it is a way that I show my love. I love watching them eat and them telling me thank you Mom. What is dinnertime like at your house?

I used to love to watch "The Waltons" when I was a kid especially watch as they all sat at the table, it always amazed me how they were such a lively bunch and how everyone seemed to enjoy it. A lot of my kids friends love sitting down to eat at our house and share in our laughter and eat something they have never tried. Cooking things that are not usual for us is something I love to do too. Do you? Once I made Chinese food and we ate with chopsticks. I tried to make sushi California style, but they were too young to appreciate it. I had never made manicotti for them and so I got all the ingredients and made it for my girls and one of their friends and he loved it. We were laughing and having a good time. We ate and cleared the table and it was time for my daughters friend to leave. His mom was waiting outside and as he walked away he farted quite loudly "Ooops you weren't supposed to hear that!" Must have been the cheese. We burst out laughing and to say the least that it is one of my all time favorite dinnertime memories.

Now I want to challenge you to sit down and eat a meal at the dinner table with your kids. Let them help cook. Let them set the table. Try something new on your plate. Turn off the T.V. Turn off your phones. Turn on your ears and really listen to what your kids are saying. Let the conversation flow, get it started if you have to but once they are talking you will find they won't be quiet. You parents should really take the time to listen and enjoy and converse with them because we live in times when not enough parents actually sit down to a meal with their kids. Once you get it going, keep it going. At least on the weekends! Because trust me we all have crazy schedules too, work,  sports practice, youth group, and soon college. I would not ever trade in sitting down to dinner with my family and our friends for eating at a five star restaurant. Besides you can't pee your pants or fart there.